64: Coach Talk: Resilience, Responsibility, and Real Life

In this episode, you’re in for a treat.

I sit down with my good friend and fellow coach, Ben Pugh, for a heartfelt, hilarious, and honest conversation about everything from emotional resilience to the wisdom of Ted Lasso.

Ben and I met in coach training back in 2018, and we’ve been coaching each other ever since. He’s an incredible coach for parents of teens, and over the years, we’ve noticed just how much parenting and caregiving have in common.

Here’s just a peek at what we dive into:

• How Ben coached me through one of the hardest seasons of my life
• The power of believing in your kids’ emotional resilience
• What happens when we only see life through our own lens
• Why trying to fix everything outside ourselves doesn’t work—in parenting or caregiving
• The ongoing question: Who do I want to be right now?
• Ted Lasso, polarity, and why laughter helps us grow
• The importance of staying in our own lane (and knowing where that lane actually is)

This episode was inspired by a short video of Bob Proctor, the legendary self-help teacher—and it sparked a conversation full of wisdom, laughter, and real-life insight.

Don’t miss this one. It’s like sitting in on a deep, honest talk between two coaches who have each other’s backs—and have learned a lot along the way.

Resources: 

Ben Pugh Coaching - Be the parent of your dreams! 

Do You Know Who You Are - Bob Proctor Interview

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Transcript

I am actually super excited about this. Those of you guys that have listened to my

podcast, I talked about my coach all the time. This is my coach. This is Marika.

I don't think Jim Fortin listens to my podcast, but I've been working with him on

about a weekly basis right now being trained to become one of his coaches and it's just blowing my mind and I would still say Marika you are my favorite coach I love

working with you and I am super proud that I get to show you off to my friends

here on the podcast. You are very kind Ben and I will tell you for on my podcast

I have talked about you many times because, of course, we've been coaching together

for years, years now, and we've known each other since we became coaches.

I mean, we literally met in coach training. Yeah, that was May of 2018.

Which is crazy. Like seven years. Crazy. 

And I will just for, for my listeners, Ben is the person that coached me through my husband's really

difficult time when he was overseas in a hospital in Vienna. And I remember you and

I have talked about this many times. He was getting ready to come back and his

plane got delayed. And I remember you coaching me and I was parked in this like

Target parking lot and we had just found out his plane was delayed. Oh,

he had all of these crazy Bad luck things that happened on his flight back from

Vienna. He ended up going back later to the hospital But I it was just a really

hard time and you coached me through that really really hard time and subsequent

really hard times a year later as well, when I also was just really struggling.

So you have been there for me through some major things in my life. - Well,

thank you. I just feel privileged that you let me be a part of your life. So

anyways, you guys listen and Marika has all the respect that I can give her.

 am super excited about what we're going to talk about. This is also, like just a

heads up, Marika sent me a video, a Bob Proctor video from like 1982.

Okay, I don't know the real date, it just looks old. It does look old. It looks

80s, definitely looks 80s. That was my guesses around as well. So we're in the 80s

for sure. Yeah. And somewhere in the early 80s, 80s because late 80s where it kind

of started looking like the 90s. I'm like, oh, that's not as cringy. But the stuff

that he was teaching is a lot of what I've been teaching and a lot of what you

teach. And it's just so applicable. And I think sometimes we, we just are like,

Oh, no, that's from the 80s. Like they didn't know anything in the 80s, we know

everything today. And you know, I'll, I'll link the video in the show notes,

but Marika, why did you send me that video? And why did you want to talk about

that? 

Yeah, I sent you that video because another coach friend of mine sent it to

me. And she sent it to me because we were talking about success. And we had been

talking about, you know, for so many of us, I think this is really true and this

is probably a function of our upbringing. Success is determined by how much money we

make. We, and a lot of times how much education we have. I mean, I think that's

our, unfortunately, our cultural heritage that we've acquired this belief that success

means money and or status or a combination of that.

So she sent me this video because in the very beginning, he talks about a

definition of success. That's just very different from that. And he actually is

quoting somebody else who talks about success being defined by you know where you

are and you have goals for where you're going and you're actively working to get

there. - Yeah, I wrote that down because I loved it so much.

A person's successful if they know where they are and they know where they're going

and they're progressively, that's the word that I like, like progressively moving in

that direction. 

- Yes. - And I feel like when I feel dissatisfied in my life and

unsuccessful, it's usually, it's not that I haven't arrived where I want to arrive,

it's usually because I'm not progressively moving in that direction. I'm like,

whatever the opposite of progressively moving is, like statically doing nothing. - Or

actively resisting or questioning or doubting or wondering if this is the right

direction, or all the other things that we distract ourselves from moving in the

direction. This is kind of my recent work is trusting myself that I am moving in

the right direction. - Yeah, it's kind of like, so I recently read the alchemist

like three times straight And it is so powerful because if you read the Alchemist

guys on my podcast you guys know who I am. I totally have ADHD. I have notes here

in front of me. This isn't even part of the notes. I'm sorry I'm raking. We've

gotten distracted. I know. I do want to come back to the notes though. We will.

But in the Alchemist you can see how everything works out The way it was always

supposed to and it would be easy to think oh man that guy's off -track for a year

or two years and I really think that everything that occurs in our lives and

especially this is what I tell parents of teens all the time Trust that the

struggles that your teen is dealing with are exactly what they need and it's going

to make sense until 40 years down the road and you can look back and be like oh

dang that's when I really learned resilience or that's when I really appreciated my

family and that changed everything. You know I was just literally just yesterday

talking about this very thing because my daughter is 17 And I heard her just really

emotional the other night and it's really hard to hear.

And part of me wants to go in and fix it or I want her to talk to me and share

what's going on. And she's just not at this stage where she's sharing things with

her parents. Nor was I at that age. I never talked to my parents about that kind

of stuff, anything. I don't even know what it was. But I had to remind myself, my

first year in college, I went away, I went on the other side of the country from

the west coast where I grew up, I went to college on the east coast, and I

remember crying a lot that year. And this is pre -cell phone, so my parents had no

idea. But I was in huge emotional turmoil that year, and it was just a major

transition for me. And so I had to remember like, she is just about a year younger

than I was at that time. But remembering and realizing I got through that time,

like I figured it out on my own, I didn't need my parents. Now I did call home

to, you know, check in with my parents. And I do remember crying on the phone with

them as well, but they didn't, you know, they were like 3 ,000 miles away.

And so it was just a reminder for me that our kids are resilient and they will

figure it out. And even if it's hard to see them struggling, which is where I am

right now, it's hard to see her struggling, but she is at this age where she is

figuring and out in her own way. I mean, that's, that's the, you know, teenage

years, especially the later teenage years. They want to be independent. They want to

figure it out. 

Yeah. My oldest turned 18 in November, early November, which means that we had three quarters of the school year last while he's 18. And his favorite thing to do is let us know that he's 18. Dad, I'm an adult. I can do whatever I want. I'm like, bro, I pay for half of your existence

at least. Yes. Yes. It's one of those things where, like you said, older teens, they want that autonomy. They want that independence until they want you to come save them. That's what noticed. 

But yes, that is also true. That also just happened to me last night. And I had to,

I had to draw a line there. I'm like, Nope, you got to figure this one out on

your own. You know, the same is true. So one thing we didn't say is that I'm a

coach for people who are caregiving. And in that role, while your partner is an

Adult, It's the same dynamic that happens though when they are struggling. It's so hard to

Not want to step in and fix it for them or Figure out how to solve their

problems, especially when those are emotional challenges, which they often are and

What I always tell people is you have to believe they can do it themselves, even

when you don't see the evidence of that. And I think that applies equally to adults

as well as to our kids, to our teenagers. We feel like they're not doing it right.

Real quick, for my audience, explain what your niche is and what caregiving means.

Because "If I didn't know you, I don't think I would know." - Yeah, so I coach

people who are caring for a partner with cancer. And that in that role are going

through the often very challenging journey of disease with their partner,

but from the side of the caregiver. So they have all those challenges as well and

all the fears and anxieties of their life turning upside down and I help them build

the mental and emotional and physical and spiritual resilience to really get through

that time. So they can support their partner and be there for their partner without

losing themselves in the process and burning out and becoming exhausted. And yeah,

which as we've talked is very similar. A lot of the practices are very similar to

the parent -team dynamic. - Yeah. The more I get into coaching, the more I realize

these

truths and these principles are just eternal truths and principles.

And you can apply them. Like, I feel like, well, before I tank your mind,

I'm curious, what would you say that you coach me on the most your business.

Yeah, my business, like, yeah. And I coach you,

you're probably a little more balanced than me. I coach you on like parenting, your

business, relationships. No. The principles are all the same.

They apply and it just depends. I would say It's almost a filter through which you

look at your life these goals and the coaching tools that we use and teach you can

look through it's almost like a pair of glasses that you can just put on and You

now see everything through that lens and it's a much more helpful lens And this

actually ties us back into the notes where we got super off track. I wasn't even

planning that, just got lucky here. 

But one of the things that I really liked about Bob Proctor, he talks about how most people are fixated on things outside of their control. In addition to that, I would say most people are convinced that the way they perceive reality is the only way to perceive reality and they're scared and worried and unhappy because of the lenses through which they're looking at the world.

Yeah that also I think he talks about that in the very beginning of the interview

and it is so true I mean we all get caught up in that we forget that Our view

of the world is just that it's simply a view it's it's one way of seeing things

and we get so used to seeing it Through our own Perspective that I think it's easy

to forget that there's other ideas out there or there's other ways of looking at it

And that's why coaching is so powerful And I think this is what you and I do for

each other when we coach each other is we just simply, it's that reminder that

you're only looking at it from this one perspective. And I think,

yeah, with parenting, that's so true. With caregiving, we can get so convinced that

we know how our partners should behave or be or be taking care of themselves or be

handling it mentally. And we feel like that's the only way, that's the right way.

And if, if what they're doing conflicts with that, it just causes so much turmoil

in ourselves, because you're like, they're doing it wrong, they're doing it wrong.

And you can just, it's, but it, but ultimately comes back to it. What they're doing

is outside of your control. I ultimately, I've got a perfect story to go with that

so my second oldest he's a really good basketball player he's decided to basically

medically retire from football because he doesn't want to get hurt in football which

breaks my heart because I love football and he is really good at football anyways

he doesn't want to get hurt and for that to mess up basketball and so he's like

yeah I'll just go all in on basketball well His all -in on basketball is not what

I think his all -in on basketball should be. And we have a friend, he plays

basketball with me. He played college basketball and he works with teens to help

them be more prepared for high school. And this guy's offering, my son has gone to

most of his workouts, but they're sometimes where he's like, "No, I'm too sore. I'm

too tired." I'm like, bro, you're 16 years old, like, wait till you turn 43.

And then you'll know what story. You don't know what tired is kid. Well,

like, I'm so I like to talk about it in terms of the model. Like, I have my

model, he has his model. And I'm sitting here trying to manage his model for him.

like, no, no, these are the behaviors that I think you should take. No, you should

be more motivated. No, don't think that like, and all the time I spend trying to

manage his model, I'm not managing my own. 

And human beings, we're terrible at this, we're constantly trying to fix things outside of us,

we're looking for the solution on the outside, rather than turning that focus inward

and being responsible for our own little more pure model, like they're like the teams that I work with right now are high end athletes or like I'm working with a wide range,

but like he focuses on the refs or my shot is off or something like that.

Parents, they sound just like that story for me, like they're focused on their team,

like they're dating someone I don't like or they're slacking in school and not

getting as good of grades as I think.

And then the other thing, I coach a lot of moms, sometimes it is the spouse that

they're like, my freaking husband. And it's just the human condition.

We want to fix external things so we don't have to fix ourselves. Yeah. Oh, gosh,

I think that's that says it very well. We do. We want to fix external things. It

seems easier. So for me, actually, that's very similar with with my clients as well.

I have a client right now who's, it's been amazing when she came to me,

she, her boyfriend got diagnosed with a brain tumor.

I'm not sure it may be a brain tumor or brain cancer, but, and he's,

it's terminal or, and when she came to me, she wanted to help him through this

time and he has shut her out and he said, you need to move on. I don't want to

see you anymore. You know, I don't want to drag you through this. And she was just

stated. And she's like, I need to be part of his life. He should not be going

through this alone. I need to help him through this. And she was entirely focused

on him. And the first thing I said in our consultation was, I said,

look, my job is to help you. And we can't control what he's going to do if he

shuts you out or not, like, We can't control that, but what I can do is help you

figure out how to be strong and show up how you want to be. And so that's what

we've worked on. And I will tell you, it is incredible within,

you know, weeks. She has completely shifted her focus away from him and what he's

doing and on herself and who she wants to be. And she has achieved,

like in a very short time, this peace and serenity that she did not have.

She was wracked with anxiety. She said, "It's like this cold claw in my stomach."

And, but all she really did was shifted her focus away from him and what he's

doing and the actions he's taking in his life and choices he's making and putting

them instead, just refocusing on herself. And that has just completely changed.

He's still, they are still talking and, you know, but nothing has really changed in his life,

but her ability to show up for him without this, like attachment

Well, his choices has just completely changed because she refocused on herself,

which was what she can't control But it it seemed easier to want to fix him, you

know Yeah Yeah, that's beautiful. Yeah, I was gonna ask what it looks like in your

world when someone applies this as a super awesome example One of the things I've

noticed in mind. So I was working with a young man. Here's one of the things about

my coaching. Like I seriously think I could charge the same amount that I charge

for nine sessions and just deliver one session. Like this one young man,

I'm gonna tell you about, like he came home from his mission early and in the

church, that's a big deal. And people are like, well, were you not worthy? were you

like what's going on and he was like I need to have a good excuse so that people

don't judge me and I was like bro people are gonna judge you no matter what yes

right what they think and we talked about the hero mentality versus the victim

mentality and one of the things was was like, when you're in the victim mentality,

you're focused on other people. Like, man, what are they thinking about me? What are

their adjustments?

And like, we've finished coaching now, but his biggest breakthrough was,

it was the free consultation. Like, he could have not paid me anything and just

like, that was the biggest breakthrough, the whole thing. When he realized, I'm

trying to control how other people think of me. Yeah, that's not who I want to be.

I'm gonna re harness all of that energy and apply it to being me. And yeah,

to say all the rest of our coaching sessions were a waste. Like, the discussion was

on like, like, we're actually accidentally following our notes here, like, it was on

him realizing, Oh, I need to define this is who I want to be and then practice

being that every day. Yeah. And I think that answering that question for ourselves,

who do I want to be is something that we need to be doing constantly.

And I will tell you one of the ways you coached me on that Fairly recently,

I mean, it's been probably six months, but when I was struggling with in my

relationship and the, the guy I'm dating, like he was kind of unsure of his

feelings about me and you, your coaching, which was so powerful was about Marika,

you cannot let Let him decide whatever he's gonna let him figure it out.

Who do you want to be? And I said I want to be someone who loves without

Expecting anything in return and I actually shared that with my client who I just

mentioned as well because

We all Like, it takes that shift of reading who do I want to be and not who do

I want them to be or what do I want to get from them or what do I want in

return for this? It's more who do I want to be. And I think as caregivers too,

like in our, in our relationships, choosing who we want to show up as regardless of

how the other person is what kind of parent do I want to be regardless of whether

my teen tells me they hate me or you know they do all the things I think they

should like it doesn't matter right because it it doesn't change anything but if we

consistently show up in in the way that we think is most powerful for ourselves

ironically people do do change. Like that's what influences and creates change in

others, I think way more than anything else. It's when we decide,

we show up powerfully. Yeah, one of my favorite tools that I use in coaching,

I say it's one of my favorites, I feel like I haven't used it in like six months.

And I need to like, I don't plan like session to session, I don't follow an

outline. Maybe I should someday. But this model, people are really good at

identifying what they're afraid of. And I think most people are very aware of what

they're afraid of. They're just reacting to what's happening in life. And anyways,

I like to identify like, okay, what are all the things that you're afraid of?

Because it's kind of like, if you don't take the time to identify it, It seems way

scarier. That's actually a principle in horror movies. They wait till the very end

to reveal the monster or the scary thing because it will always disappoint you

compared to what your imagination came up with. Right. 

Anyway, so we take the time

to define what are you afraid of. And I call that catastrophizing. And then I'm

like, well, let's just optimize for a it. Like, what if it works out better than

you could have expected? It is just perfect. And they spend the time so like

parents have a look like, oh, my team's ruining their life, they're failing school,

they're going to drop out, they're going to become a drug dealer and like just the

worst of the worst. And then I'm like, Oh, what about the best case scenario? And

they're like, man, he could actually be a really good businessman, he could be a

millionaire. He could be a great husband and father. And then they started to

optimize. And then I pause them. I'm like, okay, let's look at the best case

scenario. If that happens, who would you like to be in that moment?

And they're like, man, I want to be proud. I want to be loving and caring.

I want to be supportive. And I'm like, okay, awesome. Now let's go back to that

scary worst case scenario that you came up with. All those ways of being,

do they apply to the worst case scenario? Do you still wanna be loving? Do you

still wanna be confident? Do you still wanna be kind? 100 % of the time they're

like, oh, yeah, I do want to be that. And it makes your life so much easier

because now worrying about all the crap outside of your control, you can just let

go of that and focus on the one thing within your control. Who do I want to be?

And you can trust it will be applicable to the best case scenario, and it'll be

applicable to the worst case scenario, but your job's easy because you just have one

job, be the you that you want to be. Yeah, that's a great,

Yeah, that's a great example and I think taking people to the place of,

of what they're afraid of is so helpful because we all have these ideas looming in

the back of our head, but they feel so much bigger. And it is crazy with horror

movies, which when they don't, you don't see the monster until the whole thing, it's

the anticipation is because it's an undefined thing that makes it so scary,

you know. And that's, there's so many things I think in our lives that are like

that, that we haven't defined that we're afraid of. And then just recognizing, I

mean, just naming it first and then, then tying it back to how you want to be

regardless of what the monster is or, or what the fantasy, like the best case

scenario is, what the dream is versus the monster. Yeah. The thing that I really

liked about the Bob Proctor video, two things, right from the very start is like

everyone's looking for solutions from outside of themselves. And he talks about the

need to really know who you are and who you want to be and kind of know that

you're moving in that direction, I think most of the world is in reaction mode.

And I started seeing this real clearly in the US when I quit caring about politics.

Like there was a time, man, I was getting so into it, like Donald Trump and

Hillary were the two options and the person that I liked was a dude named Andrew

Yang that no one had even heard about but I'm like this guy is the guy and I was

getting all into it and it was funny the polls would come out and they'd be like

Hillary's ahead she's gonna win and all my Republican friends are like she's gonna

ruin the world this is the end of the world as we know it And then the next poll

would come out and they're like, no, like somehow Donald Trump could win and all my

Democrat friends are like, that's the end of the world. And I was like, I don't

have to be a part of that. Like I can choose rather than reacting to whatever

happens, like really who I vote for has such a little impact.

I want to know who I want to be and not be like 95 % of the population that's

being in reaction to their surroundings. Yes. And that brings me to the exercise

that you do and I do as well about defining who we want to be.

And I've told my clients this and I've done this exercise in this podcast,

defining who you want to be as a caregiver. But I stole that exercise from you,

defining who you want to be as a parent. I took you freely with love.

But it's so, it's so powerful because it turns that question back on ourselves.

And then, and then I think you said it so best, like, then it just makes our job

simple. Like once you figure that out, who do you want to be in this role,

in this part of your life, then all you have to do is just focus on it and just

consistently be that or keep coming back to it or keep reminding yourself, who do I

want to be here? And I do that in my relationship, literally that coaching like,

who do I want to be in my relationships with others? I have, you know,

consistently remind myself of that. I think that makes our job, it just makes it

Easier. to learn from who they see us being so much.

And in the good and the bad, right? Like, they will learn from us, from who we're

being in our life, probably way more than anything will ever tell them. And all of

us right now could think about like, yes, there's probably a few things that our

parents said that stand out. But mostly the lessons we learn for or from who they

were. Good and bad, right?

So I gotta know this thing that you stole from me.

Like, do you have your clients write a ten -word vision statement and everything? No,

no, not exactly. Not a vision statement. I have them define, kind of define it,

but not into a single statement. I thought about doing that, I feel like sometimes

that's really hard. It's really hard to condense it. But the positive side, the pro

side is that it's also easier to remember and keep kind of top of your mind.

But I have them sort of write out like five kind of phrases or sentences and then

post it somewhere. Yeah. So I like to have mine write out a 10 word vision

statement like mine is parenting with love confidence and curiosity is easy and fun

like that helps ground me it helps point me in the right direction and I have my

clients write that on like five three by five cards and then hang it up throughout

prominent locations in their lives so like mine was like above my bed on my

bathroom mirror on the refrigerator door on the pantry door, because obviously I stop

for food all the time, and on my garage door as I head out to my car. The reason

I think that's important, it's one thing to know who you want to be.

But part of the human condition is that you will never be exactly who you want to

be. There will always be an area of growth. Like, man, I watched Ted Lasso and I'm like, gosh, if I could just be more like Ted Lasso, he's so funny and just it's all scripted. Like he has an unfair advantage.

He's got a team of writers that help him be that. But the thing is, you will

never be who you want to be. There will always be a little gap in between who you

are, where you want to be. The goal is to know who you want to be, know who you

are and practice being that best version of yourself. And for me, I like to use

the wheel of life principle that I teach where easy times are the top of the

wheel, hard times are the bottom of the wheel. Most people are like, okay, I got

to practice in the hard times. No, give yourself a break. Practice when it's easy

and that'll help you prepare for one is tough. And then you'll start finding like,

oh, I can actually show up and be intentional way more easily now than I could two

weeks ago. Yeah. Yeah. And Bob Proctor talked about that very thing as well in that

interview where he talks about our self image And imagining who we want to be and

getting very specific, which I think goes back to your 10 word vision statement and

writing that down and having it be very specific. Who do I want to be?

 Yeah, that's awesome. - So let's talk about the law of polarity real quick 'cause he

talks about that a little bit. And I know that's one that you mentioned that you

wanted to talk about. Anything you want to say about the law of polarity? Well,

first of all, I want to define it because this is not something I talk a whole

lot about it with my clients. And it's just another way of looking at things and

the law of polarity, at least the way Bob Proctor defines it. And as we were

talking, his information probably comes from, not exactly sure, but from the various

sources that all life coaching and self transformation comes from basically the dawn

of time. But the idea that there are there are opposites in the world, like this

is a law of nature that there are always everything has its opposite. And one of

the examples he gives There are, you know, there's positive things and negative

things always. And if something seemingly bad happens, there's a positive side to it

in vice versa, right? So everything has an opposite, which is the law of polarity.

And so if there are both good and bad in everything or there is an opposite to

everything, we naturally see a lot of times, I think especially in the circumstances

of our lives, we see the bad, we zoom in on the bad,

we focus on the bad, and we don't see the good, but it's there.

Because if this is the law and we're accepting the fact that everything in life has

an opposite to it, then we have to find the good. And that's something I do talk

about a lot, but I don't talk about in terms of this really being a law of

nature, that there's both a positive and a negative side of everything.

Yeah. I just looked at the time. Do you have a few more minutes? Do you have a

call right after this? Nope. Nope. I'm good. I have about 10 minutes, And have you

ever read The Kabalian? I have not. No. Have you ever heard of it?

So it's, let's see, I don't even know how to describe it. AI says The Kabalian is

a book on hermetic philosophy that outlines seven universal principles and laws.

Anyways, that's one of them. I like The Kabalian. I thought it was awesome. I

talked to someone about that and they're like, do you know that's part of the

occult? I'm like, what? It's not like Satanism or anything. It's just teachings that

came before Christ basically, right? Yes, but yeah, I it teaches polarity and it

also teaches this I'm probably gonna butcher it but like kind of a duality where

things appear to be different, but they're just two different sides of the same

thing. And so one of the examples is like light and darkness or hot and cold,

a hot and cold or the same thing. And it's a very subjective as to what is hot,

what is cold, like someone might think, like, I live in Utah, we'd go to Southern

California around Christmas time and we'd be out playing in the ocean and people

would come and ask us and they'd be like, are you guys from Utah? And we'd be

like, yeah, how'd you know? Utahns are the only people crazy enough to play in the

ocean when it's this cold. I'm like, this isn't even cold. It's like 70 degrees.

Anyways, when you can start to understand these Laws and these principles is like I

said earlier. It's kind of like changing the glasses or changing the lenses through

which You see the world most people are trained to see the world through the lens

of What's going wrong? Why is this happening to me? I don't like this and if you

Look at the world through those lenses If you look at the world through the lens

of what you don't like, you'll never truly know what you do like. You'll just be

trying to escape what you don't like rather than trying to seek out what you do

like. If you're asking why is this happening to me, that is a crappy question to

ask.

Why does the world suck so bad? Don't ask these type of questions intentionally

choose to change the filter through which you see the world, it'll change how the

world interacts with you. - Yeah, and the questions that you just pointed out are

such an easy way to do that. And to your point, like asking, you know, why does the world suck? I mean, we can all find answers to that right now. And, but we all could for ever as well. Like the world doesn't suck any less now than it did 50 years ago or 100 years ago. And the world is

equally amazing now, as it was 100 years ago or 200 years ago.

And so asking that question, you know, what is good about this? Like finding the

opposite in what you're seeing or forcing yourself to look for it. And, and just

because we don't by nature, like we see the bad, we automatically, you know, look

for it. And I think in carrying that so it can be hard to do. I mean, cancer and

the treatment and the process of combating that disease.

There is a lot of ugliness and horribleness in that.

And there is also beauty in not exactly the disease, but the moments that might

create the connection, the greater understanding about the meaning of life and what

is really important and what matters most to us, like those are also come about

when we are thinking about our mortality and others mortality And the depth of love

that we can have for someone, the amount of energy that we discover we are capable

of, like sustaining over long periods of time under incredible stress,

like those are all amazing things that come out of something that's a really hard

situation. 

And it's just a matter of, you know, as we, as we face the challenge of the pain of loss and seeing losing some parts of our partner as the disease progresses, or just the things that we lose in our

relationship through because of disease or facing it or caregiving. And that loss,

though, I mean, there's always a, there's always another side to it. There's always

things that we're gaining in the process, maybe gaining deeper understanding of what's

important to us. So that's the opposite side, but you have to look for it 'cause

you'll miss it. I mean, you'll just see, again, what you don't want. - Yeah,

I had a similar conversation with someone that was kind of curious about what I do.

And I talked about how like, obviously, I don't coach on caregiving. So it wasn't

about that. But I do coach on like, the struggles and the ugly things and even

like teen suicide is something I've had to coach parents on, which is scary because

that's outside of your control. And basically, I was talking about how in your

story, you are the main character. Like your existence is about you and everything

that happens to you around you is for your good and for your growth.

And the funny thing was, so this person was like, Oh, so you teach people how to

be a narcissist. And I'm like, Oh, you're kind of missing the point. But when you

can start to see that, oh, my child is not doing what I think they should,

or my spouse is not handling this condition the way I think they should. What's the

opportunity for my growth, for my development?

Because really, you have two options. You can fixate on the other person and be

miserable, or you can bring that fix it fixation and all the energy that comes with

that internally bring it inside and apply it to your own growth.

And that could be physical growth, spiritual growth, mental and emotional growth. And

I feel like in the world that we live in, like, we call everyone a narcissist

nowadays. But by the way, it's like 0 .7 % of the population is narcissistic,

so it can't be everyone, guys. But when you can really look and embrace,

I'm responsible for more than I'm taking credit for. And I'm also not responsible

for more things that I'm trying to take credit for. And if you can just delineate

between those and be like, "Oh, this is my responsibility. I will manage that.

This is not my responsibility. I'm not going to manage that. It'll make your life

easier." Yeah. I love, that's a great way to describe it.

Of, yeah, lanes of responsibility. And we're so often in another person's lane trying

to take responsible for things that are not our responsibility and shirking our own

responsibilities.

And abdicating that responsibility, like no, no, that's your fault. Yes, yes.

Oh my gosh, we do that in so many ways. We definitely, I mean, I can see myself

doing that as a parent for sure. We do that, yes, in caregiving. I mean,

that is, I think that's, and I think it's something that you have to consciously

stay mindful of and be asking yourself, "What's my responsibility here?" That's

actually probably a great question to just ask, "What's my responsibility here?" Or,

"What's this an opportunity? How can I grow here?" Like you mentioned, that's another

great way to think about it. Yeah. I need to Bob, if I kind of took over,

I'm sorry, I'm pushing, what is one thing that you want both of our audiences to

just hear and take away?

I really like thinking about what we just talked about,

I think, is just something that I probably haven't talked about enough,

which is, what am I responsible for? And I think one of the reasons is because in

caregiving, we do take on a lot of responsibility. And often, a lot of those

responsibilities are for the other person's care, right? Their health and well -being,

we take that on or we've been given that or it falls on our shoulders. And so you

feel like you are responsible for them. And in many ways you are. I mean, I have

one client who's, who has literally, you know, is caring for her husband,

who's, who's terminal and her responsibilities are like kind of almost to the level

of a nurse, I mean, basically it is, you know, she's, she's literally responsible

from maintaining his life. It's a huge responsibility. And yet you have to still

define or divide where that ends and then what your responsibilities are.

And I think that can be really hard in caregiving because we do, there is a lot

of overlap. And so maybe figuring out, you know, the the mental and emotional side,

their their emotional well -being is not something we can take responsibility for.

And I think that's the area we want to and we try to. And we can't, you know,

and in in so doing, in so placing our focus externally on their emotional health

and well -being, we advocate our own, and that's the biggest, that's what ends,

I think, for the biggest struggle in so many caregivers. So, figuring out,

you know, how can I, where is my responsibility here for my own emotional well

-being, mental and emotional well -being? 

Yeah, and I would just add, with caregiving, I would imagine it's the same, For sure with being a teenager a lot of times we think man. I have to do this like I Made this child.

I have to take care of them guys. I was a foster parent for 10 years I know that

no parent has to take care of their child. I've seen it all the time It's powerful

when you shift the lens from This is something I have to do - this is something

I'm choosing to do through which you see your reality. It has the power to empower you and also make it easier. So yeah, yeah, absolutely. 

Ben, this has been awesome. We could talk forever and we should just do a podcast

together. And maybe we will sometime. I'm still working on it,

guys. Have you enjoyed this episode with Marika? And if you're one of Marika's

listeners, hey, I love you just the same as I love my listeners. But feel free to

reach out to Marika and say, "Hey, you should do more podcasts with Ben. That'll

help my cause."

It's in my podcast. You can use the text Ben feature. Let me know how much you

love Marika. She's awesome. I'd love to get her back on the show. And if you have

any questions, feel free to reach out. Marika, where could people find you just in

case you just take this and throw or if I don't edit it and just throw it online?

Where could people find you? Yes, find me through my website, coachmarika.com.

And you can email me from there, set up a consultation. Yeah, head to my website,

coach marika .com. What about you, Ben? Where's the best place to find you?

- Benpughcoaching.com.

And Marika has a podcast. I have a podcast. If you like us, go listen to more of

our podcasts. - We will link to each other's podcasts in the show notes as well.

- And Bob Proctor is he even still alive? We're gonna link to that guy's video too.

- Yes. - If you like him. Yes, I watched that video like five times.

Well, thank you, Marika. And I will talk to you soon. All right, then. Thanks. Bye.