57. Asking Better Questions in Caregiving and Life

Caregiving is exhausting—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally. When we’re overwhelmed, our brains tend to focus on everything that’s hard, keeping us stuck in a cycle of stress and negativity. But what if the key to feeling better wasn’t about fixing every problem, but simply asking better questions?

In this episode, I talk about how our thoughts shape our experience and why shifting from problem-focused thinking to solution-focused thinking can make a huge difference. I share personal examples, practical strategies, and simple but powerful questions that can help you break out of the negativity loop and move forward with more ease.

If you’ve ever felt like you’re drowning in the weight of caregiving, this episode is for you. Tune in and learn how to take back some control—one better question at a time.

You'll Learn:

Why Negative Thinking Keeps You Stuck – Learn how your brain’s natural negativity bias reinforces stress and exhaustion, making caregiving feel even harder.

The Power of Better Questions – Discover how shifting from problem-focused thinking to solution-oriented questions can help you feel more in control.

Simple Questions to Change Your Mindset – Get practical examples of questions that can turn frustration into action, like What’s the simplest way to do this? or How can I make this easier?

How to Break Free from Overwhelm – Find out why focusing on problems doesn’t lead to solutions—and what to do instead.

A Small Action That Creates Big Change – Learn an easy exercise to start practicing better questions today and notice the immediate shift in how you feel.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Transcript

Why This Matters
 Caregiving adds a lot to our already busy lives. Beyond the physical tasks—like the extra chores you’ve taken on because your partner can’t do them anymore—there are also new responsibilities related to their care. Giving medications, picking up prescriptions, calling doctors, scheduling appointments. Every day can feel like a never-ending to-do list.

And then there’s the mental and emotional weight. Caregiving doesn’t just add tasks; it creates a constant mental load. The worry, the uncertainty, the pressure of making the right decisions—it’s exhausting. It’s easy to get caught up in negative thinking, which only makes everything feel heavier.

The Problem
 Our brains have a built-in negativity bias. It’s a survival mechanism—constantly scanning for problems and potential dangers. That instinct was helpful when we had to dodge saber-tooth tigers. But today, it just means our brains tend to focus on everything that’s wrong.

I’m too tired. I have too much to do. I don’t know how I can handle this. I don’t have the energy. What if something happens? What if they get worse?

That constant negative brain chatter keeps us stuck. And when we’re stuck in that loop, it starts to feel like there’s no way out.

Why This Is a Problem
 In today’s world, that survival instinct doesn’t protect us—it just weighs us down. We get trapped in a loop of seeing only problems, repeating the same negative thoughts over and over. It becomes the story we tell ourselves. And the more we repeat it, the more we believe it.

And if you’re thinking, Yeah, but it’s true! I really am exhausted!—I get it. Those feelings are valid. Too often, caregivers push their emotions aside, and that’s not helpful. Suppressing emotions doesn’t make them go away—it just bottles them up until they explode.

But I’ve talked about acknowledging emotions in other episodes, so I won’t go into that here. Instead, I want to give you a way to shift out of this mindset so you can actually get stuff done and feel better doing it.

What We Think Is the Solution
 When we’re stuck in negative thinking, we assume the best strategy is to keep repeating the problem, as if saying it enough times will somehow bring a solution. Or at least it justifies our frustration. We vent, we complain, we replay the same thoughts in our minds, hoping that eventually, something will change.

Why That Doesn’t Work
 Focusing on the problem keeps us stuck in it. And our brains will keep finding more and more proof to support it.

I’m so tired. I have so much to do. No one helps me. I can’t afford to pay for help.

The more we focus on what’s wrong, the more stuck we feel. And this isn’t just about the things we don’t want to do—it happens with things we do want to do, too. Maybe you want to go for a walk or get to the gym, but it’s cold, rainy, and you’re exhausted. That negative chatter keeps you from taking action.

And here’s the kicker: The more we stay stuck in problem-thinking, the harder it becomes to see any way forward. We lose our ability to be creative, to think flexibly, to find solutions that might actually make our lives easier.

A Personal Example
 This podcast episode actually came from my own experience. I love doing this podcast. I love listening to podcasts that inspire me or help me think differently, and that’s what I want for this podcast. But creating an episode every week is work.

I have to come up with a topic, write out my thoughts, make sure I cover everything clearly and give good examples. Then I edit, record, and publish it. I write a summary and an article about it. It’s a lot.

And this week, I caught myself thinking, Ugh, I have to get my podcast done. It’s so much work. Why is this so hard? I felt totally bogged down.

Then, I started asking myself better questions: What’s the simplest way I could get this done? What’s something I really want to share?

The moment I shifted to those questions, I had a topic. I figured out how to be more efficient. And here we are—talking about the power of good questions.

The Real Solution
 Instead of dwelling on problems, shift your brain by asking better questions.

• If you think, I’m too tired, ask: What would re-energize me right now?
• If you think, I don’t want to do this, ask: How could this be fun?
• If you think, This is too hard, ask: What’s the simplest way to get this done?
• If you think, What if they get worse? How will I cope?, ask: What helps me cope now? How can I do more of that?

Good questions shift you from problem-focused thinking to solution-focused thinking. They take you out of a stuck mindset and into one that’s action-oriented.

Why This Works
 We all have a lot of answers inside us. We just don’t always access them because it feels easier to stay stuck. Complaining and feeling defeated takes less effort than finding solutions.

But staying stuck feels awful. Shifting into action feels better.

The brain is like a search engine—when you ask it a question, it starts looking for answers. But if you only ask negative questions—like Why is this so hard? or Why can’t I handle this?—your brain will come up with answers that reinforce the negativity. Because life is unfair. Because you’re overwhelmed. Because you always struggle with this.

Instead, when you ask productive questions, your brain will search for useful answers. And that’s how you get unstuck.

How You’ll Know It’s Working
 When you start asking better questions, you’ll notice an immediate shift. It won’t erase the challenges, but it will make you feel more empowered. And taking action creates momentum.

The more you practice this, the more natural it becomes. Eventually, it will be a habit—one that makes your life easier.

Action Step
 Think about something you’ve been procrastinating on or a thought that’s dragging you down. Then, ask yourself a better question. Put your brain to work. Notice how it feels when you shift from problem mode to solution mode.

One Last Thing
 Sometimes, we’re just not ready to let go of our misery. We get attached to our struggles because they feel justified. And that’s okay. Sometimes, you need to let yourself be in that space. But give yourself a time limit. Say, Today, I’m going to feel stuck. I’m going to let myself feel this. No judgment. But spend that time processing and allowing the emotion, not just walling in it. Go listen to episodes 3 and 30 of the podcast to dive more into processing emotions. 

Then, tomorrow, start asking yourself better questions. Because moving forward—even just a little—always feels better than staying stuck. 

This is not about being positive, it’s about being powerful. It about being effective. 

Final Thoughts

Caregiving is already tough—mentally, emotionally, and physically. And when we let negative thoughts take over, it only makes everything feel heavier. But staying stuck in problem-thinking doesn’t help us move forward.

By asking better questions, we shift from feeling trapped to finding solutions. Instead of reinforcing what’s hard, we train our brains to look for ways to make things easier. It’s not about ignoring the struggles—it’s about finding ways to navigate them with more ease.

Try it. The next time you feel overwhelmed, ask yourself a better question. You might be surprised at the answers you already have inside you. And if you want more strategies like this, keep listening—because you don’t have to figure this out alone.