56. Feeling Unappreciated in Caregiving

As a caregiver, you pour so much of yourself into supporting your partner, yet it can often feel like no one notices or acknowledges your efforts. That lack of appreciation can be frustrating, even demoralizing, leading to resentment and emotional exhaustion.

In this episode, I dive into why feeling unappreciated is such a common struggle in caregiving, why our partners may not express gratitude the way we expect, and how waiting for external validation can keep us stuck in a cycle of frustration. 

More importantly, I’ll share how to shift your perspective, reconnect with your reasons for caregiving, and take back control of your emotional well-being. Because the truth is, you deserve to feel valued—and that starts with you.

Listen in to learn how to break free from resentment, recognize your own worth, and create a more fulfilling caregiving experience.

What you'll Learn: 

• Why caregivers often feel unappreciated – Understand the common reasons why your partner or others may not express gratitude the way you expect.
• How feeling unappreciated impacts your emotions and behavior – Learn how this frustration can lead to resentment, burnout, or withdrawing from your relationship.
• A mindset shift that puts you back in control – Discover how reconnecting with your why and appreciating yourself can transform your experience.
• Practical steps to change the dynamic – Get actionable strategies for setting boundaries, recognizing unspoken appreciation, and communicating your needs in a healthy way.

Resources: 

55. Reconnecting to Your Purpose in Caregiving

50. The Mental Framework To Regain Control in Your Life

22. Setting Boundaries to Sustain Your Caregiving Journey

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Transcript

We all want to feel appreciated—especially when we’re giving so much of ourselves. And as a caregiver, you’re doing a lot for your partner. You’re showing up every day, making sacrifices, handling things they may not even realize. So when they don’t say thank you, when they don’t seem to notice everything you’re doing, it stings. It can feel unfair, even hurtful.

But here’s the thing—feeling unappreciated isn’t just about what they are or aren’t doing. There’s more to it. So today, I want to unpack this feeling—why it happens, what’s really going on beneath the surface, and, most importantly, what you can do about it. Because you deserve to feel valued, whether or not anyone else is saying the words.

Problem

“I just want him to appreciate me.”

That thought seems so simple—so reasonable. You work hard, handle so much, and sometimes you just wish your spouse would acknowledge all that you're doing. After all, who doesn’t want to feel appreciated?

Maybe it’s not even your spouse. Maybe it’s family members, friends, or even coworkers who don’t seem to recognize what you’re juggling. They don’t understand how exhausting it is to take care of a sick partner while also keeping up with work, managing the house, and holding everything together. A simple “thank you” would go a long way.

And when that appreciation doesn’t come? It can feel demoralizing, like all your effort is invisible. The problem is, when we rely on others to make us feel appreciated and they don’t deliver, it often leads to frustration, anger, and resentment.

Why This Problem Exists

You might be thinking, “It’s not that hard to say thank you. Why doesn’t he just do it?”

Here’s the thing—most people are caught up in their own experience. And when cancer enters the picture, your spouse may feel a deep loss of control and independence. He might even resent that he needs help in the first place. No one likes feeling dependent.

And let’s be honest—feeling unappreciated isn’t new. It happens in relationships all the time, even before illness. Think about those times you planned a special meal, organized a trip, or just kept the household running, and no one seemed to notice. It stings.

To make things even trickier, appreciation doesn’t always look the way we expect. Your partner may actually be showing gratitude, just in a way that isn’t obvious to you. This is where love languages come in—some people express appreciation through words, others through actions, quality time, or small gestures. If their way of showing it doesn’t match how you receive it, you might miss it entirely.

What They Do to Try to Solve It

If we put the thought “they don’t appreciate me” into the Model, what happens? That thought makes us feel unappreciated. And that feeling? It drives our behavior.

So how do we react when we feel unappreciated?

• We get irritated or short-tempered, snapping over little things. Maybe you find yourself rolling your eyes when your partner asks for something simple or responding with a sharp tone. You start feeling resentment bubble up over things that wouldn’t have bothered you before.
• We shut down emotionally or physically, withdrawing from conversations and connection. You might stop initiating conversations, avoid sitting in the same room as your partner, or disengage from activities you once enjoyed together.
• Some of us overcompensate—doing even more, hoping if we work hard enough, someone will finally notice. Maybe you push yourself to keep everything perfect, believing that if you just do one more thing, they’ll finally say thank you. You exhaust yourself trying to be everything to everyone.
• Others start making pointed comments like, “Guess I’m just the maid around here” or “A little thank you would be nice.” These remarks might slip out in frustration, hoping your partner picks up on your feelings, but often they just create tension.
• Or we stop going the extra mile altogether, doing the bare minimum out of resentment. You might think, "If no one notices, why should I bother?" and start cutting corners on things you once took pride in—whether that’s cooking meals, keeping up with housework, or even engaging emotionally with your partner.

If this is an emotion that you've been feeling either lately or in the past, think about how you have responded. All of these are normal reactions, especially when those feelings build up over time, but we want to have awareness of our own patterns so we can see them and decide if they are serving us.

Because none of these reactions actually get us what we want. In fact, they often push us further away from it.

Why This Approach Doesn’t Work

Waiting for others to appreciate us puts our emotional well-being in their hands. It means our happiness depends on whether or not someone else says the right words at the right time. And when they don’t? We feel worse.

Even worse, this creates a cycle. Feeling unappreciated leads to frustration, withdrawal, or passive-aggressive behavior, which then creates more distance between us and our partner. And the further we drift, the less likely we are to get that appreciation we crave.

And even if they do say “thank you,” if we’re already feeling resentful, it often doesn’t land the way we want. It can feel hollow or not enough. Instead of feeling validated, we find ourselves thinking, “Well, it’s about time,” or “That doesn’t count—he only said it because I brought it up.”

An Better Solution

Here’s the truth—you are responsible for your own emotional well-being. And that’s actually a good thing! Taking responsibility for your emotions means questioning the thought behind them, exploring the emotion to see what it's telling you, and then deciding deliberately how you want to respond.

If the thought is "they don't appreciate me," think about the last time that came up for you. Be specific. We often generalize—"they never appreciate me"—but generalizing isn’t helpful. It doesn’t get us anywhere.

Once you have a specific situation in mind, ask yourself if it's true. Often, people show their appreciation in ways we don’t recognize. Just explore that for a bit.

Next, examine the feeling of being unappreciated. Emotions are messengers. What is this emotion telling you?

• Perhaps you need to reconnect with your why. Why did you choose to be a caregiver? There was likely love, commitment, and a desire to help at the root of your decision. Recommitting to that can shift how you feel about your efforts.
• Maybe you’re doing too much or acting out of obligation rather than choice.
• It might be a sign that you need to set boundaries.

Whatever is behind the emotion, when you explore it, you learn more about yourself.

Then, take deliberate action. Maybe it’s having a conversation and explaining how you feel. Maybe it’s setting boundaries about what you will and won’t do going forward. Whatever it is, you can take action from a place of power rather than reaction.

Why This Solution Works

You are the only one who can make you feel appreciated.

When you gain awareness and insight into what is behind your thoughts and feelings, you put yourself back in control. You recognize your own efforts, set boundaries where needed, and appreciate yourself without waiting for external validation. This shift leads to greater emotional resilience, stronger relationships, and a deeper sense of fulfillment in your caregiving journey.

You have to choose to acknowledge and appreciate yourself for what you are doing, regardless of what other people say or don’t say.

Necessary Skills

Now, let’s talk about how you can avoid this thought/feeling pattern that leads to feeling unappreciated or taken for granted in the first place. To avoid feeling unappreciated, it helps to build some key skills that can shift your perspective and improve your relationships. 

First, self-awareness is crucial. Knowing what you truly need—whether it's acknowledgment, gratitude, or support—can help you communicate those needs clearly to others. If you're clear on what makes you feel appreciated, it’s easier to express that. When you feel unappreciated, instead of letting it build up, it's key to express your feelings in a calm, direct way without blaming. This opens up space for understanding rather than defensiveness.

Another important skill is self-affirmation. You are doing an amazing job! So, take a minute, especially when things are hard and Remind yourself of your own strengths and the value you bring. We can give appreciation to ourselves. 

Setting boundaries is also important. If you're constantly giving without receiving, it can lead to burnout. Protect your emotional energy by setting some limits. I talk about this in episode 22, so you can check that one out.  Defining your role for yourself as a caregiver is not about being selfish—it’s about maintaining balance and energy and connection to your self. And remember, managing expectations is key too. Your partner may not be able to provide the appreciation you’d like right now. Maybe they are already doing the best they can. Just recognizing that can help you adjusting your expectations. 

Finally, resilience is vital. Life isn’t always smooth, and sometimes you might feel overlooked. Building emotional resilience helps you handle these moments better and bounce back faster. Practicing gratitude can also shift your focus—acknowledge the small gestures of kindness, even if they don’t always feel like big gestures. When you develop these skills, you’ll feel more appreciated both by others and, importantly, by yourself.

Results Created

When you shift your focus to appreciating yourself and making choices from a place of intention, everything changes. You begin to see your own worth independent of external validation. You feel more in control of your emotions and actions, less burdened by resentment, and more deeply connected to your own sense of purpose. 

This shift allows you to engage in caregiving with a renewed perspective—one where your efforts are not just about fulfilling duties, but about honoring the love and commitment that brought you to this role in the first place.

And often an interesting thing happens—when you appreciate yourself, others often follow. Not because you demanded it, but because your energy and presence shift. Appreciation starts with you.

Summarize and Conclude

If you've been feeling unappreciated, know that you're not alone. But also know that you have the power to shift this experience for yourself. Start by acknowledging your own efforts, reconnecting with your reasons for caregiving, and choosing how you want to show up.

You deserve to feel valued—so start by valuing yourself.