53. Turning Toward Your Partner During Tough Times

When illness enters a relationship, it can create emotional distance just when connection is needed most. As a spousal caregiver or cancer caregiver, you may find yourself overwhelmed by responsibilities, emotionally drained, and feeling like all the care is one-sided. The simple moments that once brought you and your partner closer can feel strained or even disappear, making it harder to stay emotionally connected.

In this episode, I explore how to bridge that emotional gap by focusing on “bids for connection”—those small, everyday moments when your partner reaches out for attention, comfort, or understanding. These bids might be as simple as a glance, a sigh, or a casual, “I miss how we used to watch movies together.” Recognizing these moments and learning how to respond can make the difference between feeling isolated and staying emotionally connected.

We’ll dive into why it’s so easy to miss these bids, especially during the stress and emotional strain of illness, and how our own exhaustion or feelings of resentment can get in the way. I’ll also share practical strategies for both recognizing your partner’s bids and making your own, even when you’re running on empty. Because sometimes, you need to step away before you can step closer.

If you’re a spousal caregiver or cancer caregiver feeling the emotional distance that illness can create, this episode will give you tools to reconnect and support your partner in a way that strengthens your relationship.

In this episode, you’ll learn:

• What “bids for connection” are and why they’re crucial for emotional intimacy
• How illness changes the way partners give and receive bids
• The common reasons we miss or ignore bids (and how to avoid them)
• Ways to recognize subtle, non-verbal bids during caregiving
• How to give meaningful bids, even when you're emotionally drained
• The three ways to respond to bids—and which one strengthens your bond
• Why stepping away sometimes helps you step closer
• Simple tools to maintain emotional closeness, even during the hardest times

References:

🔗 Learn more about bids for connection at The Gottman Institute

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Transcript

One of the biggest challenges is not recognizing when our partner—or even other loved ones—are reaching out to connect. These attempts are called "bids for connection." They can be as simple as, "Did you see that bird outside?" or as direct as, "I need a hug." Bids can come in the form of questions, statements, or even non-verbal cues like a glance or a touch.

When we're overwhelmed or emotionally depleted, it's easy to miss these moments. We may be so focused on caregiving tasks, medical details, or managing our own emotions that these bids pass us by unnoticed. And over time, this can lead to feelings of disconnection and emotional distance.

For example, imagine your partner, who is going through chemotherapy, sighs deeply and says, "I feel so tired today." This might seem like a simple statement about their physical state, but it could also be a bid for comfort, support, or even just acknowledgment. Responding with, "I’m sorry you’re feeling that way. Do you want to rest together for a bit?" shows that you recognize their need for connection.

On the other hand, if that comment is met with silence or a distracted, "Yeah, I bet," while scrolling through your phone, the bid is effectively missed. Over time, consistently missing these moments can make your partner feel isolated, unseen, or unimportant, especially during a time when they are already feeling vulnerable.

Recognizing these bids requires mindfulness and presence. It involves tuning into not just what your partner says, but how they say it, and paying attention to non-verbal cues that might signal a deeper emotional need. By doing so, you create opportunities to strengthen your emotional bond, even during the most challenging times. 

Why It's a Problem

When we miss these bids, we lose an opportunity to connect and understand our partner better. Over time, missed bids can create emotional distance, leading to feelings of loneliness, isolation, or even resentment. It’s like small cracks forming in the foundation of your relationship. Individually, they may seem minor, but together they can weaken the entire structure.

Recognizing and responding to these small moments builds trust and emotional intimacy—the foundation of any strong relationship. It reinforces the message that "I see you, I hear you, and I care about you," even when words are hard to find.

Why It Occurs

Illness changes everything, including how we communicate. You may not recognize your partner's bids because they look different now. Maybe they're quieter, more subtle, or filled with emotion you're not sure how to handle. Sometimes, our own thoughts and judgments get in the way:

• "He's just going to complain again."
• "She only wants to vent, and I don't have the energy for it."
• "Why is he bringing this up now when I’m already overwhelmed?"

Another challenge is that you might misinterpret a bid as just another problem you need to fix or a task to handle. For example, if your partner says, "I’m really scared about my next treatment," you might jump into problem-solving mode, saying, "Don’t worry, I’ll call the doctor and ask more questions." While well-intentioned, this response might miss the emotional need behind the bid—your partner may simply want comfort or someone to listen. Recognizing when a bid is a call for connection, not a solution, can help deepen emotional intimacy during these difficult moments.

And let's be honest—when you're emotionally depleted, it's hard to be open and receptive. You might also feel resentful or unheard yourself, making it even harder to turn toward your partner. Caregiving can create an emotional tug-of-war between wanting to be present and feeling stretched too thin.

Another layer to this challenge is the feeling that all the care is one-sided. When you're constantly giving—managing medications, attending appointments, handling household tasks—it can start to feel like you're the only one contributing to the relationship. This imbalance can lead to feelings of frustration, resentment, or emotional burnout, making it even more difficult to notice or respond to your partner’s bids for connection.

For example, if your partner casually says, "I miss how we used to watch movies together," you might hear it as another responsibility or a critique, rather than as a bid for closeness. In these moments, it's important to recognize that their comment is likely an attempt to reconnect, not add to your already heavy load. Acknowledging these bids, even when you’re running on empty, can help bridge the emotional gap and remind both of you that the relationship still matters amid the challenges.

What Actually Needs to Occur

The first step is taking care of yourself. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s necessary if you want to stay emotionally available to your partner. Even small acts of self-care—like stepping outside for fresh air, taking a short walk, or spending five minutes breathing deeply—can help refill your emotional reserves.

This isn’t about abandoning your partner but recognizing that pausing to care for yourself allows you to show up more fully. Think of it like recharging a battery—you need that energy to stay connected and responsive. Giving yourself permission to step back when needed can actually strengthen your relationship in the long run, as it prevents burnout and fosters healthier, more meaningful interactions.

Next, it's about becoming attuned to the ways your partner is still trying to connect. Bids may look different now, but they’re still there. Sometimes they’re subtle, like a sigh that invites a "What’s on your mind?" Other times they’re more obvious, like directly asking for a hug or some company.

Recognizing a Bid for Connection

Bids come in many forms—both verbal and non-verbal. According to Dr. John Gottman, they’re the fundamental unit of emotional communication. Verbal bids might be explicit, like saying, "I’m really scared about my test results tomorrow," or more casual, such as, "Can we watch a movie together tonight?" These statements invite connection and provide an opening for meaningful interaction.

Non-verbal bids can be just as powerful, especially in the context of illness, but they can also be harder to recognize. These subtle cues often carry deep emotional weight, yet they can easily go unnoticed when you're preoccupied or emotionally drained. A gentle touch on the hand while sitting in a waiting room, a tired but hopeful glance during treatment, or even a deep sigh can all serve as quiet requests for support and acknowledgment.

Unlike verbal bids, non-verbal ones don’t come with clear instructions, which makes them easier to overlook. For example, your partner might sit closer to you on the couch, silently hoping for a comforting touch, or they might fidget with their blanket during a difficult conversation, signaling anxiety without saying a word. In the context of illness, fatigue or discomfort might make it harder for your partner to express themselves verbally, increasing the importance of tuning into these quieter signals.

Sometimes, the most profound bids are unspoken—like when your partner reaches for your hand during a painful moment or simply rests their head on your shoulder seeking comfort. Recognizing these non-verbal cues requires mindfulness and presence, allowing you to respond in ways that strengthen your emotional bond even when words fall short.

Recognizing these bids is essential, particularly when illness changes how your partner communicates. Fatigue, pain, or emotional overwhelm can make verbalizing needs difficult, so being attuned to these subtle cues ensures you don't miss important opportunities to connect. By understanding the many forms bids can take, you can better support your partner and strengthen your bond during challenging times.

Sometimes, these bids are subtle, especially if your partner is feeling vulnerable or afraid of rejection. Recognizing these moments is the first step in turning toward them. Pay attention to shifts in tone, body language, or even silences that might be a quiet call for connection.

Giving Bids

You also need to make your own bids for connection, even if it feels hard—especially during times of illness when emotions are heightened, and communication can feel strained. Giving bids is about reaching out to your partner, signaling that you want to connect, whether it’s through words, actions, or simple gestures.

Bids can be playful, serious, practical, or romantic, and they don’t always have to be grand gestures. In fact, the small, everyday bids often carry the most weight in maintaining emotional closeness.

Here are some examples of ways to give bids for connection:

• Playful Bids: Lighten the mood by sending a funny meme, sharing an inside joke, or gently teasing your partner. Even in tough times, moments of levity can strengthen your bond.
• Serious Bids: Be open about your own feelings. Saying, "I’m feeling overwhelmed—can we talk for a minute?" or "I’m scared about tomorrow’s appointment" invites deeper emotional connection.
• Practical Bids: In the middle of caregiving routines, simple actions like asking, "Can you help me fold the laundry?" or "Do you want to go over the medication schedule together?" can serve as subtle ways to engage and collaborate.
• Romantic Bids: Small gestures like holding hands, giving a soft touch on the shoulder, or saying, "I love you," can offer reassurance and intimacy, even when words are hard to find.

During arguments, bids can also show up as repair attempts. These are efforts to de-escalate tension and reconnect, even amid conflict:

• "I’m sorry. Can we start over?"
• "I see your point."
• "Let’s take a break and come back to this."

For example, if you’re having a heated conversation about treatment options and one of you says, "I know this is hard on both of us. I just want us to feel like a team," that’s a bid for connection within conflict—a way of saying, "I still care about you, even though we’re struggling."

It’s also important to recognize that illness can sometimes make it harder for partners to give bids directly. Fatigue, pain, or emotional overwhelm might cause them to retreat or become less expressive. In these moments, small gestures—like sitting quietly next to them, making their favorite cup of tea, or simply offering a reassuring smile—can serve as powerful bids that say, "I’m here with you."

Giving bids is about consistently reaching out, even in small ways, to remind your partner that you’re connected and in this together. These gestures, no matter how simple, can help sustain emotional closeness through even the most challenging times. also need to make your own bids for connection, even if it feels hard.

Even in conflict, bids for connection help de-escalate tension and build emotional resilience. It’s about reaching out and saying, "I still want to connect, even though we’re struggling right now."

Responding to Bids

When your partner makes a bid, you have three choices:

1. Turn toward – Acknowledge the bid with attention and care. For example, if your partner says, "I’m feeling really anxious about tomorrow’s doctor’s appointment," you might respond, "I understand. Want to talk about what’s worrying you?" This shows empathy and lets your partner know you’re there to support them.
2. Turn away – Ignore or miss the bid. If your partner quietly says, "I’m really tired after chemo today," and you don’t respond or change the subject, that’s turning away. It may not be intentional, but it can leave your partner feeling unseen and isolated during a vulnerable moment.
3. Turn against – Reject the bid in a hostile or dismissive way. This could look like responding, "You’re always complaining about how you feel," when your partner expresses discomfort or fatigue. Turning against not only dismisses their feelings but can also create emotional distance and deepen feelings of loneliness.

Healthy relationships thrive when we consistently turn toward bids, especially during times of illness when emotional connections can feel strained. That doesn’t mean you have to respond perfectly every time, but aiming for more high-energy, engaged responses helps strengthen your bond and provide much-needed support.

For example, if your partner says, "I’m feeling really anxious about my next treatment," a high-energy response could be, "I understand, and I’m here for you. Do you want to talk about it or would a distraction help right now?" This shows empathy and presence.

A low-energy but still positive response might be, "That sounds really tough," said while making dinner, showing you’ve heard them even if you can’t fully engage at the moment.

On the other hand, if you respond passively with a simple, "Hmm," while scrolling through your phone, your partner might feel ignored. And turning against the bid—like saying, "You’re always worrying about everything,"—can create emotional distance and feelings of rejection.

By consciously choosing to turn toward your partner, even in small ways, you reinforce your emotional connection and help them feel supported during difficult times. It’s about finding balance—being present when you can, and gently communicating when you need a moment to recharge.

It’s okay if you don’t have the emotional stamina to turn toward every bid. No one can be emotionally available all the time, especially when dealing with the stress and fatigue that come with caregiving. What matters most is making an effort and being honest about your limitations. Communicating when you need space or time to recharge shows your partner that you still care and want to connect, even if you can't do it in that exact moment.

For example, saying something like, "I want to hear about this, but can we talk in an hour?" is a gentle way of acknowledging their bid while also setting a boundary for your own well-being. You can also offer alternatives, like suggesting, "I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed right now, but how about we sit down together after dinner and talk?" These small moments of honest communication help maintain trust and connection.

It’s also important to recognize that sometimes even a simple gesture—a smile, a reassuring touch, or a quick "I’m here for you"—can go a long way when you don’t have the energy for a full conversation. These small acts still count as turning toward your partner and can help bridge the emotional gap during difficult times.

Turning toward your partner, especially during illness, isn’t always easy—but it’s one of the most powerful ways to maintain connection. Recognizing, giving, and responding to bids helps you navigate this difficult time together.

Remember, taking care of yourself is key to being able to turn toward your partner. Even the smallest moments of connection can create a sense of closeness and understanding. And if you want to dive deeper into how to strengthen your emotional resilience during caregiving, check out my podcast, In This Together. We’re in this together, and you don’t have to do it alone.