52. When Your Spouse With Cancer Pushes You Away

When your partner has cancer and starts withdrawing, it can feel confusing, frustrating, and even heartbreaking. You might wonder why they’re pulling away, whether it’s about you, or how to bridge the growing emotional distance. In this episode, I break down the real reasons why this happens, from feelings of helplessness to a need for privacy, and what you can do to stay connected—even when words or actions feel distant.

I’ll share practical strategies for holding space, avoiding assumptions, and believing in your partner’s strength while also taking care of yourself. If you’ve been struggling with feeling shut out, this episode will help you navigate it with more understanding, patience, and emotional resilience.

Tune in now, and remember—you are not alone in this. 💙

You'll take away: 

• Why your spouse may be pushing you away – Understand the emotional and psychological reasons behind their withdrawal, from loss of identity to fear, overwhelm, and a need for control.
• How to respond without making it personal – Learn why their distance isn’t about you and how shifting your mindset can prevent resentment and strengthen your connection.
• The power of holding space – Discover how simply being present—without trying to fix or force a conversation—can create a safe emotional environment for your spouse.
• Why believing in their strength matters – See how viewing your partner as resilient, rather than fragile, can change the dynamic of your relationship in a positive way.
• The importance of taking care of yourself – Find out why your emotional well-being is essential, not just for you, but for maintaining a healthy connection with your partner during this difficult time.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Transcript

Hey there, and welcome back to the podcast. Today, I want to talk about something that has come up for several of my clients. And I wrote an article about this a few years ago and it’s one of my most clicked on articles. So I know this is a pretty common problem and that is that their spouse has cancer and is pushing them away.”

If you’ve felt this, you’re not alone. It’s actually really common. The vast majority of my clients have been women married to men, so I want to mention that because I also think there are some gender and cultural differences in the different ways men and women cope with their illness in a relationship. But, I also think pulling away or pushing your spouse away is not an uncommon response when someone is diagnosed with cancer—or when their condition changes—they may withdraw, isolate, or even actively push people away. And if that’s you on the receiving end, it can be confusing, frustrating, and heartbreaking.

So in this episode, we’re going to explore why this happens, how it might show up in your relationship, and what you can do when it does. Because while you can’t control your spouse’s emotions, you can control how you respond to them—and that can make a world of difference. The goal isn’t to force connection or demand openness but to create an environment where closeness can still exist, even when words or actions feel distant.

Problem

First, let’s talk about why someone with cancer might withdraw and push us away.

Every person’s experience with cancer is different. But from what I’ve seen, there are a few common reasons why this happens.

They can’t play the same role in the relationship the way they did before. Now, for men this may mean they can no longer do a lot of the physical things they used to do. They can’t be intimate in the same way.  They can’t take care of you or the house…They can’t do the “man” things they used to do.  And that loss of identity can be incredibly painful. They may struggle with feeling useless or less than they once were, which can manifest in frustration, irritability, or even lashing out. The sense of helplessness can be overwhelming, leading to anger—not necessarily at you, but at their situation, their body, and the limitations they never expected to face. It’s not about not loving you; it’s about grieving the role they once played and the independence they’ve lost.

For one of my clients, her husband told her outright to leave because he couldn’t be there for her in the way she wanted. And she chose to stay with him, but it was really hard. He was not able to be the husband she wanted and their relationship suffered. He recently passed away and she is still struggling to come to terms with this. 

Another reason your partner might push you away is that they might feel isolated in their experience. Even if they’re surrounded by family and friends, they may feel like no one really understands what they’re going through. They might even feel guilty for feeling this way, but that doesn’t stop the loneliness from creeping in. Sometimes, they may not want to explain it because they don’t have the words for what they’re feeling, or they fear being misunderstood.

Another reason? They might just be trying to process their new reality. A cancer diagnosis—or a change in prognosis—can bring a flood of emotions: fear, uncertainty, sadness. Sometimes, it’s just easier to pull away than to try and explain it all. Even the act of trying to share what they’re going through can feel exhausting. And if they’re struggling to come to terms with it themselves, talking about it may feel impossible.

Then there’s the discomfort and pain factor. Being the center of attention, feeling like a burden, or even struggling with physical changes in their body—these things can make someone want to retreat. Also, being in physical pain can take a toll. It can take a huge amount of energy and focus just to cope with pain. If your spouse was always independent, it might be hard for them to accept help, even from you. There might also be a deep fear of being seen differently, or of losing the identity they had before cancer entered their lives. For another client, she has see the pattern that when her husband is going through a rough patch with his treatment and is in more physical pain and discomfort, he withdraws. He focuses more on the news, because it helps him compartmentalize and cope. 

And a final reason I’ll bring up that could contribute is losing privacy. Cancer treatments can be incredibly invasive. And all the unpleasant changes their body is going through can feel embarrassing. When someone’s body no longer feels like their own, withdrawing might be their way of holding onto a sense of control. If your spouse values their privacy, they may feel like they’re losing not just their health, but their autonomy, too. They may crave space simply as a way to reclaim some sense of self.

These are just a few of the reasons I see why your partner with a serious illness like cancer may seem to be pushing you away, but I’m sure there are more. 

Why it’s a problem

We take it personally—feeling like their withdrawal is about us, a rejection of our love and support. It’s easy to interpret their silence or distance as a sign that we’re failing them or that they no longer need us. This can make it incredibly difficult to connect, to have open conversations, or to share what we’re feeling. The more we internalize their withdrawal as something personal, the more hurt and resentment can build, creating an even wider gap in the relationship. Over time, this emotional distance can turn into avoidance, resentment, or even feelings of isolation—on both sides.

What we think is the solution

In turn, we often respond by shutting down ourselves, withdrawing emotionally, and hesitating to reach out. It can feel like protecting ourselves from further hurt, but in reality, it only deepens the distance. Or, we go the other way—we confront them, telling them how much their behavior is hurting us, demanding that they change or be better. We might believe that if they just opened up or acted differently, things would go back to the way they were. And when nothing changes, resentment can build. In some cases, the emotional strain feels so heavy that we start questioning the relationship itself—wondering if we can keep going like this. I know I certainly entertained that thought many times, wondering if our marriage could survive the weight of it all.

It doesn’t address the deeper issue at play. When we tell them, “You’re not treating me right,” they may feel criticized or attacked, leading them to become defensive rather than open up. Instead of fostering connection, this approach can push them further away, making it even harder to have an honest conversation about what’s really going on beneath the surface.

So if your partner has pulled away, it’s probably not about you. They might not even fully understand why they’re doing it themselves. But the good news is that you always have control over how you respond. And there are things you can do to support them and stay connected.

First, hold space for their emotions.

I know—it’s hard to see your spouse struggling. You want to help. You want to fix it. And when you try, and they shut down, it feels frustrating. It can even feel like rejection.

I did this with my husband. I would try to be positive or reassuring, and it just irritated him. What I eventually realized is—he didn’t want me to fix anything. He just wanted me to be there.

In coaching, we call this “holding space.” It means allowing them to feel whatever they need to feel—without fixing, without advice, without trying to make it better. It’s about creating an emotional safe zone where they can exist as they are, without pressure to perform or pretend.

Practically, this might mean giving them quiet space. Or simply saying, “I’m here if you want to talk.” A squeeze of the hand. A hug. Just being present, without expectation. Even a small moment of connection, like sitting in silence together, can help remind them that they are not alone.

Second, don’t make it mean anything.

It’s easy to interpret their withdrawal as something bigger. “They don’t want me around.” “They’ve given up.” “They’re depressed.” “They don’t care about me.”  But those are just stories we tell ourselves.

The truth is, unless they tell you what they’re thinking, you don’t really know. So instead of jumping to conclusions, try to let them be where they are. It’s not about you—it’s about them figuring out how to cope. Remember the model? Well, their model is in action here. Their thoughts are creating an emotion which is fueling their behavior. I only bring that up to help you understand. Not to point it out to them  - because believe me that will not help! 

One way to shift this is to practice curiosity instead of assumption. Instead of thinking, “They don’t want me around,” try thinking, “I wonder what they need right now?” That small shift can change the way you approach them and make it easier to stay present without personalizing their actions. And if you’re unsure, ask. A gentle, “Do you need space, or do you want company?” can go a long way.

Third is to believe in their strength.

Your spouse may not feel strong right now. But you can believe in their resilience, even when they can’t see it for themselves.

Think about everything they’ve gotten through before. Find all the ways they are strong. And here’s the thing—you don’t even have to tell them. When you believe it, they will feel it. And that can be incredibly powerful.

When you see them as capable, not fragile, it changes the way you interact. It allows you to step back without fear, to offer support without overstepping, and to trust that they will reach out when they’re ready. It reminds them, in the quietest but strongest way, that they are still themselves beneath all of this.

And finally, take care of yourself. 

It’s easy to focus entirely on your partner’s needs, but your well-being matters too. Your partner may not be able to connect with you in the way you’d like, and that can be painful. But that doesn’t mean your needs are not valid. Finding ways to care for yourself isn’t selfish—it’s necessary. I call this spiritual connection - how we feel connected to ourselves and the world around us. You really need to nurture that during this time. Whether it’s taking a walk, calling a friend, journaling, or even just taking a few deep breaths, these small acts of self-care help you stay grounded. The stronger you are emotionally, the more you’ll be able to show up for your partner with love and patience. 

I find it really helpful to ask, how can I care for myself though this?  

Why this works: 

When you hold space for your partner’s emotions without trying to fix them, you create an environment where they feel safe to process their feelings at their own pace. This fosters trust and emotional connection, even if they’re not expressing it outwardly.

By not making their withdrawal mean something negative about you or your relationship, you prevent unnecessary resentment from building. This allows you to respond with patience and even curiosity rather than reacting out of hurt or frustration.

Believing in their strength shifts the dynamic from seeing them as someone who needs rescuing to someone who is resilient in their own way. That quiet confidence can be reassuring and empowering for them.

Taking care of yourself is essential because caregiving is emotionally demanding. When you nurture your own well-being, you bring a steadier, calmer energy into your interactions, which benefits both you and your spouse.

One last thing I want to bring up here is this: if you’re feeling hurt or resentful because you feel like your spouse has pushed you away—like you’ve done everything you can, and now they need to change—I want to share something a relationship coach once told me: "You go first."

A relationship is a system, and every part of that system influences the other. If one person makes a change, it creates a ripple effect. That means that if you’re willing to take a step back and examine your own thoughts, behaviors, and responses, you can shift the dynamic—even if your spouse isn’t actively working on it with you.

For example, instead of thinking, "They don’t care about me anymore," what if you shifted that thought to, "They’re going through something really hard, and this is how they’re coping"? That simple mindset shift changes the energy you bring to your interactions. Instead of frustration, you bring understanding. Instead of pulling back in self-protection, you create space for connection.

It may take time, and it may not always be easy, but illness doesn’t just challenge relationships—it can also be an opportunity for growth. I know it was for me. The more I focused on what I could control—my own emotions, my own responses—the more things started to shift. And even in the hardest moments, that gave me a sense of strength and agency that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.

So to recap, if it feels like your spouse is pushing you away, remember:

1. Hold space for their emotions without trying to fix them.
2. Don’t make their withdrawal mean something it doesn’t.
3. Believe in their strength—because they are strong, even if they don’t feel it.
4. Take care of yourself -  find ways to feel connected to yourself and the world around you

This will help you support your partner while maintaining your own emotional stability. It keeps the door open for connection rather than closing it with frustration or unmet expectations. 

I know this isn’t easy. But you are not alone. And if you need more support, I’m here.

If this episode resonated with you, be sure to subscribe and share it with someone who might need it. And I would be thrilled if you left me a review. That helps others find the podcast. 

Thanks for listening. Until next time, take care of yourself, too.