51. The Power of Acceptance in Caregiving

When we’re caregiving, it’s easy to get stuck in frustration, grief, and overwhelm—especially when we believe that our circumstances shouldn’t be happening. But what if we stopped resisting reality and started seeing things as just facts?

In this episode, I talk about how our thoughts—not the circumstances themselves—shape our emotions. I share real-life examples, including my own struggles with resisting problems, and explain how shifting our mindset can help us regain a sense of control. By learning to accept what is and choosing how we want to think about it, we free up energy for what truly matters.

If you’re feeling stuck in the weight of caregiving, this episode will give you a simple but powerful tool to help you move forward with more peace and clarity.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Transcript

Have you ever felt like life keeps throwing problems at you, and you just can’t catch a break? Maybe it’s your partner’s illness, a financial struggle, or just dealing with endless insurance paperwork. What if I told you that the way we think about these problems could be what’s actually keeping us stuck?

After last week’s episode about the model, I started really looking at some of my current challenges I’m facing in my life and asking myself —what if I stopped resisting this and just saw them for what it was? No judgment, no wishing they were different, just facts. The more i really thought about it this way - this is just my current situation - and if it’s a fact, how DO I want to think about it?

The more I thought about it that way - isolating the facts in my life and really seeing them as just facts, the more it helped me gain perspective and shift toward where I had control.  

So today, I want to talk about the power of accepting the circumstances in our lives and deciding—on purpose—how we want to think about them. When we stop seeing our problems as things that shouldn’t be happening and start seeing them as neutral facts, we open up a whole new way of responding. And in doing so, we take back a sense of control, even when life feels out of control.

The Problem: Where We Get Stuck

We all have challenges. For many of you, the biggest challenge is that your partner has cancer. Or maybe you’re dealing with a difficult family member, a stressful job, or medical bills piling up. Maybe it’s exhaustion from juggling too many responsibilities at once.

What do we do? We focus all our attention on the problem. We argue with it, we feel bad about having it, or we wish it were different. We resist it, sometimes without even realizing we’re doing it. And all of that resistance adds an extra layer of exhaustion and stress.

Take this example: You see your partner struggling to stand up or move around. That is a fact. But then the thoughts come rushing in—This isn’t fair. He shouldn’t have to go through this. I hate seeing him like this. And suddenly, you’re drowning in heartbreak, frustration, and helplessness.

This happens because we link our thoughts directly to the circumstance. We believe the fact is causing our emotions, when in reality, it’s our thoughts about the fact that create how we feel. And those thoughts—whether they serve us or not—become automatic patterns that keep us stuck.

Why This Happens

Our brains are wired to focus on problems—it’s a survival mechanism. In the past, noticing danger kept us alive. But in today’s world, this tendency often works against us. We become so caught up in negative thoughts about a situation that we don’t realize we have the power to shift our perspective.

When you see your partner struggling, your brain automatically zeroes in on loss. You notice every change, every ounce of strength they’ve lost. And you feel heartbroken—not because of the fact itself, but because of the way your brain is processing it.

The problem is, we don’t just feel the sadness in that moment—we carry it with us. It lingers in the back of our minds, shaping how we approach the rest of our day. And over time, these thoughts create a deep sense of powerlessness.

How We Try to Cope—and Why It Doesn’t Work

Because we believe our emotions are coming from the circumstance itself, we try to change the circumstance.

If the issue is debt, we obsess over getting out of it as fast as possible. If it’s a difficult boss, we fantasize about quitting. And if it’s caregiving, we try to fix things for our partner—to make it easier for them, to hold back reality, to make it all feel less painful.

But here’s the hard truth: Sometimes, we can’t change the circumstance. No matter how much you want to, you can’t undo your partner’s illness. You can’t reverse their weight loss, their fatigue, their struggle. And when we fixate on something we can’t control, we only end up feeling more powerless. We exhaust ourselves fighting against something that isn’t going to change, and in the process, we lose sight of the things we can influence.

A Different Approach: What If It’s Just a Fact?

What if, instead of resisting the fact, we simply accepted it? What if we allowed it to be what it is—and then deliberately chose how we wanted to think about it?

Let’s take an example that’s a little less emotionally charged:

Say you have $20,000 in debt. You could focus on it, feel ashamed, replay every bad financial decision you’ve ever made, and worry nonstop about how you’ll pay it off.

OR, you could decide: This is just a number. It’s a fact about my life right now. What do I want to think about it? Maybe something like: There are lots of ways to pay off debt—I will find the best one for me.

Now let’s bring it back to caregiving. If your partner is struggling to walk, and that is just a fact, how do you want to think about it? Instead of dwelling on how unfair it is, you might decide: I want to be a partner who offers love and patience through this. I want to focus on supporting him, not resenting the situation.

Why This Works

The moment you stop fighting reality, you free up energy to focus on what you can control. Instead of being stuck in frustration, you can shift into action—whether that means problem-solving, showing up with more patience, or simply finding peace in the moment.

Another Example: A Leak in My Garage

To show how this applies in everyday life, here’s something I’ve been dealing with: I own a home in California that I now rent out, and recently, the tenants told me there was a leak in the garage. I had people come out to check, but no one could figure out where the leak was coming from. Meanwhile, the problem got worse.

I kept procrastinating on dealing with it because, honestly, I just didn’t want to be dealing with it at all. I was resisting the fact that, as a landlord, it’s my responsibility to fix it.

Then I caught myself. I asked: If this is just a fact, how do I want to think about it? And I realized—I want my tenants to know I care. I want to take care of this home. I want to be the kind of landlord who doesn’t ignore problems.

The fact didn’t change. But how I thought about it did. And that changed everything.

The Skills You Need to Do This

There are two key skills to shifting your perspective this way:

1. Understanding the Model – Circumstances are neutral. Our thoughts create our emotions, not the circumstances themselves. If you missed last week’s episode, I go deeper into this there.
2. Becoming Aware of Your Thoughts – This takes practice. Often, we only notice our feelings—frustration, sadness, helplessness. But underneath those emotions are thoughts that are shaping them. You have to slow down and uncover what you’re actually thinking.

The Result: Regaining Control

When you do this, it is so freeing and empowering. We will always have challenges, and caregiving brings many of them. But the simple act of asking, If this is just a fact, how do I want to think about it? puts you back in the driver’s seat.

This is where your power lies—not in fixing every challenge, but in choosing how you respond.

So, take a moment. Think of something you’re struggling with right now. Breathe that in. Then ask: How do I want to think about this?

That shift can be life-changing, my friends.