50. The Mental Framework To Regain Control in Your Life

When your partner has cancer, it can feel like your entire world has been turned upside down. The emotional and mental stress is overwhelming, and it’s easy to feel like you have no control. But what if I told you that the way you experience this challenge—and life in general—has more to do with your thoughts than the circumstances themselves?

In this episode, I introduce a concept I learned from my coach, Brooke Castillo called The Model, a simple but powerful way of understanding how we make sense of the world. I’ll break down how our thoughts shape our emotions, which drive our actions, and ultimately create our reality. I’ll share real-life examples (including my own) to show how shifting your thoughts can change your experience—even when you can’t change the situation.

If you’ve ever felt stuck, overwhelmed, or out of control, this episode will give you a new perspective—and a practical tool—to help you regain some clarity and power in your life. 

Tune in to learn how your thoughts can work for you instead of against you.

References: 

Brooke Castillo, The Life Coach School

The Model

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Transcript

So much of the stress we experience when our partner has cancer—or any serious illness—comes from the mental and emotional strain that comes along with it. It’s not just about doctor’s appointments, treatments, or side effects. It’s about how our minds react to it all.

I’ll never forget when my husband first told me his diagnosis. I was away on a business trip when he found out, and he waited until I got home to tell me. The moment he said the words, it felt like my entire world flipped upside down. Everything that had seemed certain the day before—our plans, our future—suddenly felt completely out of my control.

But here’s the interesting part: while my reaction was devastation, someone else in the same situation might have reacted differently. Some people go into problem-solving mode. Others shut down. Some feel determined, and others feel hopeless.

Here’s another example: Imagine two people lose their jobs on the same day. One person spirals, thinking, I’m a failure. No one will hire me again. They feel hopeless and shut down. The other person thinks, This is a chance to find something better. They start networking immediately. Same situation, completely different reactions.

So, why does this happen? If the circumstances are the same, why do people respond so differently? That’s what we’re going to talk about today. And I think you’re going to find it eye-opening.

So, why does this happen? If the circumstances are the same, why do people respond so differently? That’s what we’re going to talk about today. And I think you’re going to find it eye-opening.

The Problem: Why We Struggle

Think about how you’ve been feeling lately. Maybe you woke up in a good mood, or maybe you looked at your partner and suddenly felt a wave of sadness. We experience so many emotions throughout the day, and those emotions shape everything—whether we have a good day or a bad one.

The problem is that most of us don’t fully understand what causes our emotions. We just know we feel sad, angry, or frustrated. And naturally, we assume it’s because of something happening around us—our partner’s diagnosis, the way they react to treatment, the doctor who never calls back, the friend who doesn’t understand, the boss who keeps piling on work.

And then there’s the mental chatter. Most of us don’t pay attention to the constant stream of thoughts running through our minds. Instead, we get swept up in them. We believe every worry and fear as if it’s fact. Or we try to ignore them altogether—only to have them resurface later, stronger than before.

Here’s another example: Let’s say your partner has been withdrawn lately. One thought might be, They’re struggling, and I need to give them space. That leads to feelings of compassion and patience. But another thought might be, They don’t appreciate everything I do for them. That thought creates resentment. Same situation, completely different feelings, based on the thoughts we attach to it.

And when your partner is sick, this can make you feel completely out of control. Like life is just happening to you.

What We Think is the Solution (But Isn’t)

When we feel out of control, we try to get control. We micromanage things. We try to control how our partner eats, how they handle their diagnosis, how the doctors do their job. We try to control the future by researching every possible outcome. We try to make people see things the way we do.

And sometimes, we try to control our own emotions by suppressing them. We push down sadness or fear, thinking, I don’t have time to feel this right now. We tell ourselves to just stay strong and keep going.

But this approach rarely works—because the truth is, so many things in life are out of our control.

Have you ever had a day where you planned everything out, only for things to go completely sideways? Maybe you had a whole list of tasks, but then your partner had a bad day and needed you more than usual. Or a friend canceled plans last minute. It’s frustrating because we thought we could control the day. But life doesn’t work like that, and trying to force it only makes us more exhausted.

We can’t control the diagnosis.
We can’t control how our partner feels or copes.
We can’t control how doctors, family, or friends react.

And when we try to control things we can’t, we only end up frustrated and exhausted.

What Actually Works: Understanding How Your Brain Makes Sense of the World

Here’s the shift that changes everything: Instead of trying to control the world around you, you focus on what you can control—your own thoughts and responses.

In coaching, I use a tool that I learned from my coach, Brook Castillo of the Life Coach School called The Model to explain how our brains make sense of the world. I’m going to explain it to you here, but I’ll also give a link in the show notes because it’s much easier to see an image of what I’m going to describe. The model is a tools that helps you see the cause and effect of your thought. It will help you discover exactly why you feel the way you do. 

Here’s how it works:

1. Circumstances – These are the facts of your life. Things that happen. Your partner’s diagnosis is a circumstance. The weather is a circumstance. Someone bumping into you at the grocery store is a circumstance. They’re neutral—until we interpret them. Now, I want you to really hear that part - circumstances are neutral. You might be thinking, how can Cancer be neutral? But it is neutral in that it’s just a fact of life. Just like taxes and your age - these are just facts. 
2. Thoughts – Your brain immediately creates thoughts about those circumstances. You have thoughts about your partner’s diagnosis, thoughts about the weather, thoughts about the person who didn’t apologize after bumping into you. Thoughts about taxes. Thoughts about your age… 
3. Feelings – Your thoughts create your emotions. If you think, “This diagnosis is so unfair,” you’ll feel despair. If you think, “We will find a way to get through this,” you might feel hopeful or determined. How we think directly creates how we feel. 
4. Actions – Your emotions fuel your actions. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, you might shut down or lash out. If you feel determined, you are more included to take action. Our emotions are always influencing our actions. 
5. Results – Your actions shape your reality. The things you do in your life will create the outcomes you have. 

So, there are the circumstances in yoru life. Then there is your thought about them. That though will create a feeling. That feeling will fuel your actions. And your actions will create your results. 

Circumstance, though, feel, action, result. 

Let me give you some examples of this:

Let’s say your partner cancels an important appointment because they’re too tired to go. If your thought is They’re giving up, you’ll feel anxious and frustrated. Your anxiety will influence your actions. You might push them to go anyway, which creates tension in your relationship. And they still don’t go, but now you have some tension and distance between you. But if your thought is They need rest today; we’ll reschedule, you’ll feel calmer and more supportive. Those feelings will have you reaching out to them, offering to reschedule for them. And as a result, you feel closer to them, more connected. 

Same event, different thoughts, different outcomes.

Now, there is a lot more that goes into this process, but what i’m describing here is how the model is always happening in your life. You may, to this point, just not be aware of it. 

Why This Matters

Once you start seeing how your thoughts shape your emotions—and ultimately, your experience.. Once you start paying attention to yoru thoughts and writing out your models, you’ll begin to realize how much power your thoughts have in your life. 

When my husband was diagnosed, I had already been feeling stuck in my job. His diagnosis made me feel even more trapped because we relied on my job for health insurance.

When I learned The Model, I started paying attention to my thoughts:

• I’m burned out.
• I don’t want to do this job anymore.
• But we need this job for insurance.

It’s no wonder I felt stuck! Those thoughts were making me feel powerless. But once I models my thoughts and saw that they were what created that feeling of being stuck, I was able to start shifting them. Instead of focusing on why I felt stuck, I started asking, What do I like about my job. How is it serving me right now?

That small shift in thinking changed everything. I started asking my braind different questions and started focusing on different parts of my job. How it gave me a good paycheck. And I worked with great people who were supportive. And it was challenging. There were a lot of great things about my job that I was simply not focused on because I was repeating these negative thoughts to myself. 

How You’ll Know This is Working

Here is the beautiful thing - Once you learn The Model, you can’t unlearn it. You start seeing the cause and effect of your thoughts in everything. You’ll start seeing it play out everywhere.

You’ll recognize why certain things trigger strong emotions.
You’ll start to catch yourself in thought patterns that keep you stuck.
And most importantly, you’ll start to see where you do have control—over your own thinking, your own reactions, and your own emotional experience.

This is a process and shifting thoughs is not necessairly a solution to evey problem. But it is a tool. Onc of many I teach and it’s so helpful first to just start paying attention to your thoughts. They are powerful in our lives! 

Try This: Pay Attention to Your Thoughts

This week, I want you to do something simple: just notice your thoughts.

• What thoughts do you keep repeating?
• Do you have a lot of negative self-talk?
• Are you constantly judging yourself or others?

You don’t need to change anything yet. Just notice. Pay attention. Jot them down each day in a notebook. Awareness is the first step to shifting your experience.

Because once you understand how your brain makes sense of the world, you can begin to take back control—not over everything out there, but over the one thing that matters most: how you respond to circumstances in your life. 

Final Thoughts: Putting This Into Practice

So, I’m going to just sum this episode up.

The way we experience life isn’t just about what happens to us—it’s about the meaning we assign to those events. When we understand The Model and how it’s always operating in our life, we can start to see our own patterns more clearly. Instead of feeling like life is just happening to us, we realize we have the power to shape our experience by choosing how we think about it. And that changes everything.

So, as you go through your week, just start noticing your thoughts. No judgment—just curiosity. What stories is your brain telling you? And do those stories serve you? Because the more aware you become, the more you can decide how you want to show up in your life. And when you’re facing something as difficult as your partner’s illness, that awareness can be a game-changer.

You have more power than you think. And that power starts with what’s happening in your mind.if you want to learn more about the Model and how to use it as a tool in your caregiving experience, then set up a call with me.