49. Don't Believe Everything You Think: Caregiver Edition

In this episode, I explore how our thoughts can shape our emotions and why this matters so much for caregivers. It’s easy to feel overwhelmed by the emotional roller coaster of caregiving—hope, fear, disappointment, and anxiety can all hit in a single day. But here’s the truth: our emotions don’t just happen to us; they’re created by our thoughts.

I share personal stories of how unhelpful thoughts, like imagining worst-case scenarios, can spiral into full-blown fear and anxiety. More importantly, I talk about how understanding your brain and practicing thought observation can help you regain control over your emotions.

You’ll learn why trying to control external situations or other people rarely works—and why managing your mind is a much more effective solution. I explain how building this skill of thought awareness can bring calm and clarity, even when caregiving feels chaotic and unpredictable.

If you’ve ever struggled with anxious thoughts or felt at the mercy of your emotions, this episode will give you practical insights and tools to help.

Tune in to discover how to take charge of your mind and find peace, no matter what caregiving throws your way.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Transcript

Today, I want to talk about why it’s so important to understand what causes our emotions. As caregivers, we face a lot of emotions every single day. For instance, if your partner has an upcoming doctor’s appointment, you might feel a mix of hope and fear at the same time. Then, if you get news that wasn’t what you were hoping for, those emotions can quickly shift to disappointment and discouragement.

It’s like being on an emotional roller coaster, and all of it feels very real and overwhelming. But here’s the thing: our emotions don’t just happen to us. They’re created by the thoughts we have—and sometimes, those thoughts don’t tell us the truth.

The Problem: When Worry Takes Over
Have you ever had a worry pop into your mind that sets off a spiral of fear and anxiety? It starts as one small thought, and before you know it, your emotions are running the show.

This recently happened to me on a flight back from the Bahamas. It was a long travel day, and on the last leg of the trip, we were descending into Seattle. I could see out the window that it was cloudy—the kind of day where you have to descend through thick clouds to reach the runway. Out of nowhere, I had this thought: What if we crash into another plane? And just like that, my body went into full-on fear mode. My chest tightened, my heart started racing, and I felt a wave of anxiety wash over me.

Now, obviously, since I’m here talking to you today, we landed safely and didn’t crash into another plane. But in that moment, that fear took over my entire body. It felt so real.

What’s Really Happening?
Here’s what I want you to take away from this: our minds are incredibly powerful, but they don’t always lead us in the right direction. When we don’t know how to observe our thoughts or understand how they create our feelings, it’s easy to get stuck in negative thinking.

Looking back, I realized why this thought popped into my mind. Earlier that day, I’d read an article about the history of the presidential airplane, Air Force One. The article mentioned that the first time the term “Air Force One” was used, it was during a near-miss collision with another plane. My brain had stored that little fact and decided, in the middle of our descent, to serve it up as a potential scenario.

And my body? It didn’t know this was just a random thought with no basis in reality. My body reacted as if it were true. Adrenaline surged, fear set in, and I was completely caught up in the emotion.

Why This Is a Problem
Our minds can either work for us or against us. If we don’t pay attention to the thoughts we think—and learn to observe and question them—our minds can not only lead us astray but also create great panic over nothing.

Another time this happened to me was when I woke up in the middle of the night with a pounding headache. It was unusual for me because I don’t get headaches often, and certainly not in the middle of the night. My first thought was: I must have a brain tumor. And just like that, my mind went down the rabbit hole. What if I have a brain tumor? What will happen to Renn if I die? She’ll be all alone.

One fearful thought led to another and another, and before I knew it, I was completely worked up.

It’s not just our minds, though. Our bodies get involved too. Your heart rate increases, your blood pressure rises, and you can have a full-on physical reaction because of what’s happening in your brain. That’s the power of our thoughts—for better or worse.

What We Think Is the Solution
Often, we believe the solution is to avoid situations where these thoughts might arise. Or we think we need something external to calm us down—a glass of wine, some deep breaths, or even medication. And let me be clear: anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medications absolutely have their place.

We might also try to take action to resolve the perceived problem, especially by trying to control something in our environment or in other people. For example, if someone in our life says something hurtful, we might focus on getting them to change their behavior so we feel better.

Why That Doesn’t Work
The trouble is, trying to control things in our world or in other people rarely works. We can’t always avoid being in a plane as it descends through clouds. We can’t control how other people talk to us or what they do.

And when we try, we often end up frustrated. It’s like pushing against a wall that’s never going to move. The harder we try to control external factors, the more stuck we feel. The real solution lies in understanding and managing our thoughts, so we can shift how we feel from the inside out.

What Is Actually the Solution?
The real solution is understanding how the brain works. When you’ve practiced observing your thoughts and know that just because you think something doesn’t mean it’s true, everything changes. This is the skill of mind management, and it’s part of building mental resilience.

When you have this skill, you’re able to interrupt those unhelpful thought patterns. The more you understand your thinking patterns and what triggers you, the easier it becomes to catch your brain in the act. For example, when I had that fearful thought about the plane colliding, my mind quickly jumped to another deep worry: If I die, my 16-year-old daughter will be all alone. This has been a vulnerable thought for me ever since my husband passed away, and I became a solo parent. I’m her only parent, so it’s a fear that sometimes feels especially sharp.

Why It Works
Learning how your brain works and how to manage it puts you back in control, even in situations where you have no control. Ultimately, I couldn’t control what happened on that plane, but I could control my reaction to my own thoughts. I could either believe them and spiral into a panic or observe them and consciously calm my mind and body.

This skill is so powerful because it frees you from feeling at the mercy of things you can’t control. And let’s be honest—when it comes to illness and caregiving, there’s a lot we can’t control.

When you truly understand that your thoughts create your feelings, you gain the ability to pause and respond instead of reacting. For instance, a couple of weeks ago, I had a disturbing dream and woke up feeling anxious and agitated. My body was on high alert. Instead of letting that anxiety take over, I recognized what was happening: my brain had triggered my body. I used tapping to calm my nervous system and was able to go back to sleep.

If I didn’t understand what was really happening, I might have turned to distractions like my phone or TV, which aren’t reliable ways to calm your nervous system.

How It Will Be Different
Practicing thought observation is one of the first skills I work on with my clients. And once you develop it, it becomes second nature. I’m constantly noticing my thoughts and observing them at the same time, which helps me catch when my brain offers unhelpful ideas.

This week, I encourage you to think about a time when you felt anxious or fearful, and it turned out to be for nothing. Start noticing when you’re feeling those emotions and try to identify what you’re thinking.

By practicing this, you’ll start to see how powerful this skill can be. It’s a game-changer—not just in caregiving but in every area of your life.

Final Thoughts
Our minds are incredibly powerful, but they don’t always tell us the truth. The key is learning to observe and question your thoughts, so you can manage your emotions instead of letting them manage you. When you understand this, you gain control over how you respond to life’s challenges, big and small. Whether you’re caring for a loved one or simply navigating daily stresses, this skill will help you find calm and clarity in the midst of it all. Start small, pay attention to your thoughts, and notice how it shifts your experience.