In This Together: Building Resilience When Your Partner Has Cancer

46. How to Navigate Life’s Mountains

• Marika • Season 2 • Episode 46

Share episode

Send us a text

In this episode, I share a powerful perspective shift inspired by Simon Sinek’s video Stop Holding Yourself Back and my own experiences as a caregiver and entrepreneur. We talk about the overwhelming feelings that can arise when facing a difficult path ahead—whether it’s a partner’s cancer recurrence, adjusting to life after loss, or simply navigating the demands of everyday life.

When we focus on the obstacles—what Sinek refers to as “the trees”—we sap our energy, spiral into frustration, and lose sight of the way forward. But by shifting our focus to the path ahead, we can take control of our mindset, regain clarity, and move forward with strength and purpose.

Referenced in this episode:
How to Stop Holding Yourself Back - Simon Sinek
Ben Pugh Coaching - Coach for Parents of Teens

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Hello and welcome back to the podcast. As I record this, it is the start of a new year, 2025, which is crazy. I am getting ready to go with my boyfriend to the Bahamas for a week, so it's not the kind of Bahama vacation that you might think of. He actually is a professor and he teaches a course at one of the small islands in the Bahamas that you've probably never heard of. He actually is a professor and he teaches a course at one of the small islands in the Bahamas that you've probably never heard of, and it's a marine ecology course, and so he will be there for the month teaching this course to a bunch of students, and I am going to go and join him for about a week of that time. So it will be a lot of snorkeling and learning about marine ecology, which is something I know pretty much nothing about. Anyway, I am very excited. It will be a chance to get away from the Washington winter and rain as well and get into the sun, the tropical sun, which I can't even imagine at this point, so looking forward to it.

Marika Humphreys:

I also wanted to share that, because I know how challenging you life can be when you've got a partner with cancer. It is hard and much of time feels dark. I can so vividly remember this was actually after my husband passed away. I remember having this period of time where I couldn't imagine feeling joy again. That emotion just felt inaccessible to me and I couldn't imagine ever feeling it. And I am now at a place in my life where I have lots of joy, lots of things in my life that bring me joy people, hobbies. I've created a life that I love and that at one point didn't seem possible. I couldn't imagine it. So sometimes when we're in the darkness, it is really hard to see outside or to see beyond or to see that there is the possibility for beyond. So I want to share that with you, because I have been in the darkness and I am now beyond, and I want to be an example for you to know that the darkness doesn't always last, it won't be a forever thing, and so I will continue to share a little bit about my current life with its challenges. I still have challenges and all of those things. The life still has the ups and downs, but I am in a place that I couldn't imagine at one point in my life and so hopefully that just gives you sometimes a little encouragement when it can feel very bleak.

Marika Humphreys:

So this is going to be a little more serious episode today because in part it's inspired by a conversation I recently had with one of my clients. Her husband passed away from cancer about six months ago actually and she's been my client now for probably just about a year and she's raising two young kids now on her own and she is just feeling completely run down, emotionally and physically exhausted and the new year has been really hard for her. Celebrating the new year has been really hard because she didn't want to celebrate it, it didn't feel celebratory, she didn't want to even acknowledge it. She's like I don't want this year, I don't want what lies ahead, and all she could see is this uphill battle, a journey, an arduous journey that she didn't choose and doesn't want, and she knew that the year ahead is just going to be more of her learning how to acclimate to being a single parent, juggling home and work demands and trying to rebuild a life that she didn't want. She didn't want to have to go through these challenges and she was just feeling tired and overwhelmed and defeated really, and I could very much relate to her feelings and I think probably many of you out there can Sometimes at the start of a new year or any moment in life where we maybe get a diagnosis or a reoccurrence.

Marika Humphreys:

There are just times when we look ahead at an unwanted journey and it feels like standing at the base of a mountain that we never asked to climb and all we can see is how steep and difficult and hard it's going to be, and it feels impossible and we don't even want to take that first step. So that is actually what I'm going to talk about today. I want to talk about this experience of standing at the base of the mountain and feeling completely overwhelmed and stuck, and I'm going to share my story and, as well, just give you a few ways to think about this so that you can perhaps think about it differently and that can help you not stay stuck and fatigued and feeling overwhelmed before you even start, because there are moments in life, especially in cancer and grief, where the path ahead feels just enormous and impossible. And what makes it even harder, I think, is if you've been through something similar and you know how difficult the path ahead is. The more you know, the harder it feels or the heavier it feels For me. I think I've shared this story before, but I want to share it again.

Marika Humphreys:

One of the most vivid times where this happened for me was when my husband was in the hospital recovering from surgery. The doctors had just removed a brain tumor and it was his second cancer diagnosis. The first was three years earlier and that was a cancerous tumor in his arm. And back then he went through surgery and chemo and fought really hard and we thought that the cancer was behind us, like we could move on in life. Well, fast forward. That surgery to remove the brain tumor was very successful, which was the good news. But while my husband was recovering from the anesthesia, the doctors told me that the original cancer from his arm had spread to his chest. So I was the one to hear that news. I was the one to hear it kind of first, I guess, because he was still, you know, recovering from being sedated.

Marika Humphreys:

And as I was sitting there just absorbing this, I felt completely overwhelmed and frustrated and defeated, because I knew what came with this diagnosis. We had already been on this path before. I knew the appointments and treatments and uncertainty and fear and all of that that lay at now ahead of us, and it just felt like this crushing weight of this future that I didn't want. And it wasn't just that the cancer was back, wasn't just that the cancer was back, it was just the knowledge that our hard fought return to normals was gone and replaced with another year of pain and upheaval and constant feeling of cancer being this shadow over our lives. And it wasn't just, I think, the grief and the shock of that diagnosis, but it was a deep exhaustion, knowing how hard the journey ahead would be for us, and I didn't want it. I didn't want to do it, I didn't want to be on that mountain again and I didn't want to start climbing it. I just I felt stuck staring at all this obstacles that I knew were ahead of us in that year and I couldn't see a path forward at that moment. I remember finding an empty hallway in the hospital and I just sat on the floor and I sobbed and I sobbed.

Marika Humphreys:

I have honestly felt this way a few times since that time, probably not as extreme as that time was, but most recently I've been feeling it in my coaching business. I've been running my business now for a while and I love coaching and I love working with people who are where I was at one point really facing something so hard and helping them find their own strength. I love that part, but I have also developed an appreciation for how challenging entrepreneurship can be. Coaching is the heart of what I do and I love that part, but running a business also means doing a whole bunch of other things. It means marketing and selling and solving unexpected problems and learning how to run a website and staying organized and oh yes, also coaching. And the other day I was sitting down to map out my goals for the next three years, my business goals, and as I looked at everything I wanted to accomplish, all I could just see was the work ahead of me and it felt again like standing at the bottom of that mountain, staring at all the obstacles in my way.

Marika Humphreys:

And that is when my dear friend and coach, ben who, ben Pugh he coaches parents of teens he sent me a video by Simon Sinek, which, if you haven't seen any of his videos, they're fantastic. I will link it in the show notes here so you can check it out. But in this video he shares this brilliant analogy of how skiers navigate a tree-filled mountain. When a skier stands at the top of the slope, all they can see are trees, hundreds of trees. And as they start to ski down, they don't focus on the trees. Why? Because if they do, that is where they will steer right into a tree. So instead they focus on the path, they focus on the snow right, they keep their eyes trained to the spaces between the trees, the openings that allow them to move forward. And this idea isn't just unique to skiing. Motorcycles have this concept. Cyclists do the same thing. They learn to focus on where they want to go, not on the obstacles, the ditch or any other obstacles around them, because where our eye goes is where we will go.

Marika Humphreys:

But when we're feeling overwhelmed like my client was or like I was it's so easy to fixate on the obstacles. We don't just see one tree, we see all of them, every single tree out there, every challenge, every difficulty. It feels huge and it just looms so large in our mind that it doesn't feel like anything else is possible. And that's partly why it feels overwhelming, because when we focus only on the obstacles, we make them bigger in our mind and we start to believe that the path ahead is nothing but hardship. And of course then we feel drained before we even begin before we've even taken a step. That's where my client was. She was feeling exhausted just looking at all the obstacles ahead. So it's a mindset that will exhaust us. It's not just that we see the work, it's that it feels insurmountable. When we see it all and we're looking at all of it, it just feels insurmountable and we feel stuck and trapped and often we can't even imagine how we'll ever make it through.

Marika Humphreys:

In Simon Sinek's video he explains part of the reason why this what to do, why this is the way. It is why our brain works this way. And what he says was you can't tell your brain not to do something. The moment you think about what you don't want to do, your brain fixates on the thing itself, not the don't part. So if you're skiing down a hill and thinking don't hit a tree, don't hit a tree, don't hit a tree, you you're only looking at trees and guess what? Your chances of hitting one go up, because that's where your brain is focused.

Marika Humphreys:

So you have to focus on the path ahead, on where you want to go. What does that look like outside of skiing, right? What does that look like when you're facing something like a cancer reoccurrence? Well, I think it's a two-step process. Actually, it's not just focusing on the path. First, you really do need to acknowledge the feelings of where you are. And I've said this before in other episodes and I'll continue to say it you can't skip that step, you can't skip over acknowledging the emotions of where you are. If you're scared, if you're tired, if you're grieving, those feelings need to be brought into the open, they need to be acknowledged. It's okay to sit with them for a few minutes, it's okay to grieve the life that you've thought you'd have, or the future you've lost, or the energy that you wish you had. But once you acknowledge those feelings, then you do want to shift focus right. Instead of looking at the mountain as this huge, overwhelming challenge, you got to pull your mind back to the immediate path ahead. What's the very next step? You don't have to climb the entire mountain in one step. You can't right, but that's what it feels like when you're staring at the whole thing. It just feels daunting and impossible. So instead, focus on just taking one step. You can ask yourself what is the very next thing I can do? Or what are the resources I have right now? What do I have in my favor.

Marika Humphreys:

Each time your mind starts to fixate on a tree, right An obstacle, guide it back to the path. Sometimes those trees might be sneaky. You might not realize they're trees. So I want to give you some examples of how the obstacles can sometimes be sneaky when we don't actually realize that we are focused on the obstacle and not the path. So, for me, as I was talking about this with my friend Ben, when I was thinking about my business, I kept focusing on the fact that, like this week, I only had 10 hours to devote to it. That is an example of focusing on the fact that, like this week, I only had 10 hours to devote to it. That is an example of focusing on the tree.

Marika Humphreys:

Focusing on the path would be how can I best use the 10 hours that I have this week to make the biggest impact? What can I help with my clients with the most right now? Like then, I start focusing on the path most right now. Like then, I start focusing on the path for my client. Her tree was this thought I have to adjust to this life as a single parent and I don't want it right. That's the tree. The path would be something like how can I learn to adjust to this new life with kindness for myself and my kids, or what's one small way that I can support myself. Today, that's focusing on the path. So when it comes to a cancer diagnosis, the tree might be thinking about how hard it's going to be, how scary it all is, all the unknowns. The path is focusing on what do you have in your favor, even if it's something small. Maybe it's a supportive doctor or a new treatment possibility or simply the strength in your relationship.

Marika Humphreys:

When you make this shift, and if you do it consistently, redirect your focus to the path you will start to notice some things. You will first start to just feel a little lighter because when we are focused on the next step right, the clear path ahead, we're not carrying the weight of the entire journey all at once and without that weight you have some more mental and emotional space. And secondly, you're going to have more energy. We spend so much energy worrying and stressing and thinking about the obstacles, so when you stop doing that, it actually frees up energy that you can use then to taking that next step, taking action. You'll get more actually done because you're not paralyzed by the enormity of the task, by the overwhelm right. And the third thing is that you'll start to feel more capable, because every step you take builds momentum and it gives you a sense of progress and you start trusting yourself more and believing in yourself more that you can find a way forward, no matter what. And the reason why this works is because when we're focused on only the trees, we spend so much mental energy lamenting our problems, imagining the worst case scenarios, searching for answers that we simply don't have yet, and that is exhausting and it drains us before we even take the first step right. That is where my client was.

Marika Humphreys:

But when we shift to the path to focusing on the path, a few things happen. First, I mentioned before, it frees up mental and emotional energy. Focusing on the obstacles is like running uphill on a treadmill You're pouring all this energy and you're working super hard, but you're second guessing, you're dreading what's ahead and you're not actually going anywhere. Focusing on the path, you actually step off that treadmill and start moving forward in your life. And moving forward, taking steps forward, even just one step forward, also brings more clarity. And narrowing your focus to what's the next step brings more clarity. Because when you're overwhelmed by all the challenges in front of you. Everything feels tangled and chaotic and it can be hard to even know where to begin.

Marika Humphreys:

But when you focus on just that next step lifts the fog just a little bit right, just enough to see the next step. You don't need all the answers to all the entire journey. You just need enough clarity to take the next step and that we can wrap our heads around. That's much easier to wrap your head around, and this builds momentum. Every small step you take creates a sense of progress. You climb a staircase right. One step may not feel like much, but then you take a few steps, you string those single steps together and sooner, soon, you're higher than you were before. So momentum is the fuel that we need to keep going. And then, finally, this is how we feel more in control in our life.

Marika Humphreys:

When we're consumed by the obstacles, it is easy to feel like a victim to our circumstances, like life is happening to us. But when we shift to the path and to taking that next step, that is how we reclaim our sense of agency. We're no longer just reacting to our life, we are actively moving through it. It doesn't make the trees disappear, right, but it changes your relationship with them, they stop being insurmountable barriers and then just become part of the landscape that you learn to navigate around. All right, so I want to help you bring this concept into real life, because, unless you're skiing down a tree, we're just still kind of talking in examples, which could be helpful, but how do you do this in real life? Well, where are you focused on the trees? Take a moment to think about that.

Marika Humphreys:

Spend the next week noticing how often your mind focuses on obstacles, and they might show up in different areas of your life, perhaps in your relationship. Where are you focused on what your partner isn't doing instead of what they are doing? Or where are you focused on their weaknesses instead of their strengths? Right In your diet or your health goals? Where are you stuck thinking about what you can't eat or shouldn't eat, or what you did eat and wish you didn't? Or the walk that you didn't take yesterday instead of what can you do today? Right In your daily schedule are you focused on the time you don't have or on how you can make the most of the time you do?

Marika Humphreys:

So start paying attention to the trees that dominate your thoughts and then, every time you notice that I'm focused on a tree. Here you got to redirect back to the path. What is one thing I can do right now, or what does moving forward look like in this area? That's a great question. What's the very next step? So this is not about perfection, remember. It's always about just catching yourself when you're focused on the obstacle and making a conscious choice to refocus on where you want to go.

Marika Humphreys:

Because, as you know by now all of us know right Life has trees, there's always going to be trees and personally, I do love trees, but not the trees that feel like obstacles. So, whether it's caregiving or grief, or simply navigating the everyday challenges of life, the obstacles are always going to be there. And now that I'm no longer a caregiver, I still have obstacles in my life. Right, they just change. Our obstacles just change as we go through life. They change, but we do and we can get better at navigating through them and better at catching ourself in those moments of overwhelm, so the obstacles don't have to be all that.

Marika Humphreys:

You see, learning to shift your focus from the trees to the path is a skill, and it's a skill that you can practice, and when you do that, it changes. Changes how you perceive your life. It will move you out of feeling stuck and help you start moving forward one step at a time, cause as you keep your eyes on where you want to go, you'll find that that path starts becoming clearer and your confidence in navigating it grows. Okay, so, this week, notice where you're focused on the trees and then choose the path. Redirect to the path, because where your mind is focused it really matters and it will shape your experience of your life.

Marika Humphreys:

I would love for you to share it with someone who might need to hear it too. And if you want to dive deeper, or if you want help navigating the path of life, navigating through the trees, you can set up a consultation with me. Go to my website, coachmarikacom, and click on the link to set up a consult, and we can talk about how I can support you in this journey. All right, my friends, until next time. Remember you are stronger than you think. I'll see you next week.