In This Together: Building Resilience When Your Partner Has Cancer

45. Where does Gratitude fit in when Your Spouse has cancer?

• Marika • Season 1 • Episode 45

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In this episode, I dive into the delicate balance of grief and gratitude when caring for a spouse with cancer. Gratitude can feel impossible during such a challenging time, but it’s not about ignoring the pain or pretending everything is okay. Instead, it’s about finding small moments of light to hold onto, even in the darkest days.

We’ll explore why gratitude matters, where to find it in your caregiving journey, and practical ways to cultivate it without diminishing the very real struggles you face. I’ll also share personal stories and insights, including how gratitude helped me through my own experience as a caregiver.

If you’re looking for a way to bring a little hope and balance into your life while navigating the chaos of caregiving, this episode is for you. Listen now to discover how gratitude can coexist with grief and offer you moments of relief and strength.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Hello everyone. It is good to be back with you again. I am coming off of the holiday festivities and feeling a bit tired. It was lots of fun with lots of family gatherings and, of course, lots of family meals. My youngest niece is five and a half and she is just a delight to have around the holidays and so much energy. I forget that we have so much energy when we're children like that and it is fun to be around. But also a little tiring.

Marika Humphreys:

And I will say, as I thought about it this morning and reflected on the last week, I am definitely feeling very grateful. I have a really open and amazing family. We have our squabbles, but everybody gets along despite the squabbles and my boyfriend's family has been open and warm and welcoming to me and it was just. I'm just very appreciative of that. So very appropriate, because today we're going to talk about something that sometimes feels very out of reach when our partner is facing a diagnosis of cancer or some other very serious illness, and that is gratitude. I know gratitude can feel very hard when you're dealing with something as big and as heavy as cancer or any serious diagnosis, because so much about this journey is just hard, your partner may have gone from feeling fine one day to get a life-threatening diagnosis the next day. I mean, that's pretty much what happened for us. So that kind of shift is overwhelming and it feels unfair and it can feel like there's no space for gratitude in any of it. But here's the thing Gratitude isn't about ignoring what's hard, and it's not about pretending that things are fine when they aren't. Gratitude is about fighting balance, about noticing the small moments of light, even in the midst of what feels like so much darkness many times. And so that's what we're going to talk about today. And also, I feel like this is very appropriate because, as I've said, I live in Washington and it is dark now at 430. The I live in Washington and it is dark now at 4.30. The sun sets at 4.30 and it's dark, and I was forcing myself to go out for a walk at five in the darkness, which felt weird. I thought, oh my gosh, I can't imagine living somewhere where the sun sets even earlier, which there are many places that the sun sets even earlier in the winter. So it can be really hard to find light and motivation in the darkness, quite literally. And I'm feeling that as I walk out the door here in this winter months in the Pacific Northwest.

Marika Humphreys:

But I know that it is possible and I want to talk about that today what role gratitude can play in your life and in the cancer journey. So I want to actually start, though, by clearing up some misunderstandings, I think, about gratitude. First, it is not the same as what sometimes people refer to as toxic positivity. It is about looking always for a silver lining in every bad situation and forcing yourself to stay positive. For example, I think a good example of that is someone might say, well, at least they caught the cancer early. And you're thinking, yeah, great, but it's still cancer. Right, that may be true. Catching it early is generally favorable in any disease, but it doesn't take away how scary that is and how hard that diagnosis feels. So gratitude isn't about ignoring what's hard and what's painful, but it is about making space for both.

Marika Humphreys:

And second, let's talk about guilt. A lot of us feel guilty when we aren't grateful. We think, you know, I should just be thankful that I still have my partner, or I should be thankful that it isn't worse, but we're actually feeling sad or angry or scared, and so we get caught in this loop of judging ourselves for feeling bad and not being grateful for what we actually do have. The guilt comes from not letting ourselves feel those hard emotions, feeling like they're not okay to acknowledge. But when we skip over those hard emotions and we try to force gratitude, that doesn't really work because it ignores those feelings and we can end up feeling very stuck. If your partner's treatment isn't going as planned and someone says to you, at least they're still fighting, it can feel like you're supposed to focus on the fact that they're still fighting instead of the frustration and the fear that you might be feeling. That you're probably feeling, but those feelings are also real and they do need space. So we have to feel the hard emotions first, often in order to feel, to find what there is to be grateful for. So it isn't about pretending that everything is okay, but it is about learning to let yourself feel the hard stuff and still find space and notice the good moments that do exist. So it's not one or the other, you can feel both. So let's talk about why gratitude is important, especially when you're caregiving.

Marika Humphreys:

The benefits of gratitude have actually been very well studied and those studies show that when you practice gratitude it can actually reduce stress and improve your overall wellbeing. So research they have found. They have done research that has found that people who regularly express gratitude tend to feel less anxious and less depressed, which is awesome, which is kind of crazy also to think about it literally by expressing our appreciation for things, which means that you're noticing what's right or good or beautiful, you actually can reduce your anxiety and feelings of depression. That is pretty awesome. Some studies have even suggested that it can improve your sleep, and that is also one of the things that many caregivers struggle with. I know I did so in a situation that is as stressful as caregiving. Those type of benefits are really huge. But gratitude isn't just about feeling better. But gratitude isn't just about feeling better. It's also about connection.

Marika Humphreys:

When we make an effort to notice what we're grateful for, we start to see the small meaningful moments in our day, and these can be as simple as a word or a small act of kindness or love, one of the stories that I've told a few times. I'm not sure if I've told it on this podcast I don't think I have actually but I always think of it because it was such a beautiful moment and was the day before my husband passed away. He was in the hospital and coming, really going in and out of consciousness and things were really incredibly hard. But in one quiet moment my daughter had walked in the room and he looked up at her and said what's up? Goobs and goobs was the nickname that he used to call her sort of was a fond nickname, but he just said it in this very normal way that he'd probably said it hundreds of times before and it was the last thing he ever said to her. It was a small thing, but in that moment later, the next day, actually after he had passed away, I was just so grateful for that, such a beautiful, normal moment between father and daughter and I'm still grateful to this day for that just exchange of beautiful exchange and that was just a way of connecting right Beautiful thread of connection between them and I cherish that memory.

Marika Humphreys:

So gratitude is how we connect with others and what's good in our world, even amidst the darkness and I think probably most importantly, for especially when we're caregiving and dealing with illness, is gratitude, is a counterbalance to our mind's negativity bias. I've talked about this before. Our brains naturally focus on what's wrong. It's how we're wired and when we're in the middle of caregiving. That bias gets amplified because there's a lot of things often that are not going well. There's so much to worry about scans and insurance and our partner's pain, and it can feel like all of those things take up all the space in your mind.

Marika Humphreys:

And I talked about this kind of it's such a great analogy. But it's like being zoomed in with a camera lens. You're so zoomed in and all you see is that one thing You're just seeing the problems right in front of you. But when you take a moment to think about what you're grateful for, it's like zooming out. You start to see the bigger picture. You can see the moments of love, the challenge and the difficulties and the unknowns. But when we zoom out for example, let's say you're tired and a little bit overwhelmed after a long day at the hospital and as you're thinking through the day, you think about that one moment where the nurse brought your husband an extra blanket because he was cold, and that just moment of kindness stands out. That can shift your focus even for just a second and you start seeing those things.

Marika Humphreys:

The more you do that look for those moments that you're grateful for, the easier it becomes and soon you just naturally start to see them. You find the moments without even trying, so you can actually train yourself to be grateful. So gratitude is important. It doesn't erase the hard stuff, but it gives you a way to see beyond it. It can bring moments of calm, connection and even joy into what often just feels like chaos and hardship, and those are really powerful tools when you're on caregiving journey. So where should you look for opportunities to be grateful when you're caregiving? Sometimes there will be big, life-changing moments, but often there are things that are just small, everyday moments that you can find to be grateful for.

Marika Humphreys:

I will tell you first, one of the big moments that I am also, to this day, forever grateful for was when my so my husband's initial diagnosis was a tumor in his arm, but a couple of years later he actually ended up with. We found out he had a tumor in his brain and it was a very, very scary time and I was struggling to get him seen by a neurosurgeon because I discovered through the process that there are not very many neurosurgeons and our primary care doctor was not being super helpful. But she did tell me that if I wanted to get him seen sooner, because it was going to take like two weeks and he needed to see someone, like now. So she told me to take him to the ER, the emergency room, and so that's what I did, and he was in pain and he was uncomfortable.

Marika Humphreys:

And this ER doctor, this young man, he and his search for to get my husband seen by somebody, and we were in a small town, so there were no neurosurgeons in our town. The closest neurosurgeon was like an hour, about an hour in the town that was about an hour away, which was Sacramento. So this ER doctor, he apparently they have some sort of protocol where they kind of have to call the closest facility first, and so he just simply started making phone calls and he called the hospitals in Sacramento. There weren't any available and he just worked his way out. Well, he eventually found a neurosurgeon in UC Davis which was in San Francisco UC Davis hospital, I should say, which was in San Francisco, and this was like I mean, I feel my memory was, it was hours, I don't actually remember how long, but basically he made it so that my husband could be medevaced to UC Davis Hospital, which he was that night, and I drove down in my car and he literally had surgery to remove the tumor within the next day. I think it was like 24 hours later. So all because of this one ER doctor I don't remember his name, but I was so, so grateful for him and that was a huge moment and just someone who cared and just went the extra mile.

Marika Humphreys:

I'm just forever grateful. But often gratitude we find it in the smaller things. I also remember driving home one day and kind of being in a grumpy mood and I just I saw this beautiful tree which was full of fall colors and just beautiful, and I remember noticing it. I personally love trees, so I do notice them, but it just brought joy to my heart to see how incredible nature can be. Sometimes it's the taste of whipped cream in your coffee drink that can give you a moment of joy and appreciation, or maybe it's holding your partner's hand or a wonderful hug, one of those hugs that is just exactly what you need. That is something to be grateful for, one of the coolest things. This was actually a couple years ago but I've never done anything like this.

Marika Humphreys:

But I went to this weekend conference for a coaching program. I did, and as part of the conference we did this exercise where, I mean, there was a couple hundred people there and we did an exercise where we split the room in half and one half of the room had to stand kind of separated, like we were arms width apart. We closed our eyes and then the other half of the room. You had to walk up and touch someone on their shoulder and then give them a hug, all while the person standing there kept their eyes closed so you didn't know who was hugging you. It had to be like a good hug. It couldn't be like a pat or a 10 second hug. It was like a 30 to 40 second hug and then we traded. So each half of the room did this hugging exercise and it was the best thing ever. Literally strangers and you don't know who's hugging you, but you're just getting hugs was one of the coolest things I've ever done. So a hug can be something to cherish and appreciate in the moments when it's hard, right. So start noticing those things.

Marika Humphreys:

Gratitude can also come from appreciating yourself and your own strength. Being a caregiver is tough. Having a partner with a serious diagnosis is hard and also shows you what you're capable of right Learning to navigate the medical system something that you never thought you'd maybe have to deal with all the ins and outs of insurance. You've probably learned more about this disease or illness than you ever thought you would, and you've probably discovered how deeply you can love someone, how deeply you can love someone even when it's hard. Our deep love is something to honor and appreciate.

Marika Humphreys:

So finding gratitude doesn't mean ignoring those hard things or pretending everything's okay when it's not, but it is about finding the beautiful moments, holding both truths that there is pain and there's beauty, there is sadness and there's joy. Both truths can happen at the same time. You can hold both truths right. I'm grateful for the support that I've received from my family and friends and this is also incredibly hard. My family and friends and this is also incredibly hard. Both can be true. Gratitude doesn't erase the pain of what you're going through, but it does give you that wider perspective which gives you some relief, because you start to see things with a little more clarity, that it's not all bad or that there is always a bit of a balance. It actually talked about this idea of and linking two truths or two ideas with the word and in the last podcast episode. So if you want to dive into that a little bit more, go and listen to that after this, because we can be sad and strong and so you can be struggling and be grateful.

Marika Humphreys:

Small sparks of gratitude can really help you get through. They don't fix everything, but they can lighten the load, even for just a moment. And, as I mentioned, the more you practice that, the more you look for those things to be grateful for, the easier that becomes. You start to do it just without trying, but you often, for most of us, we do have to try at first. We have to consciously think about it. This is still a work in progress for me for sure. However, it is something that when I do and I especially bring to hard moments, when I find the peace within the challenge that I can be grateful for, it does give me perspective. It puts things in context.

Marika Humphreys:

So, now that I've talked about why gratitude matters, what are some ways to practice gratitude? There are some simple ways that you can bring gratitude into your daily life as a caregiver, and one of the easiest practices, and probably one of the most common, I think, is journaling At the end of each day. Write down one thing you're grateful for, or it can be the beginning. I actually do it in the beginning of the morning when I'm journaling and it doesn't have to be anything big, it can be something small One of my favorite things to think about and be grateful for that. I don't, let's be honest, I don't do it very often, but when I do, I appreciate my body, and especially as I age and get older and I see how my body is aged. I'm also grateful, though, for the ways that it supports me and it's still strong, and that is something we so often just take for granted is our bodies, our heart that keeps pumping away. For most of us, right, our organs, I mean, they all function without our telling them to, for most of us again, so you can always appreciate your body or parts of your body you can appreciate, again, one of my favorite things is my cat, so if you've got a fur baby, that's something you can always feel grateful for.

Marika Humphreys:

Journaling, writing about one thing that you're grateful for, is just an easy way Practice gratitude on a daily basis, and over time, those moments add up, and what they do is train your mind, be aware of them. It helps put all of life in perspective If we spend a few minutes each day just thinking about what we have, what we are grateful for, how someone has enriched our day. They have studied this, as I mentioned. Gratitude is well-studied and they have found that studies have found that people who keep a gratitude journal or who regularly reflect on what they're thankful for actually have lower blood pressure, stronger immune systems and better heart health. So it truly is. Gratitude is like a superpower. It literally can improve your health and when you are stressed, as most of us are caregiving, that is a huge benefit, so just by noticing and appreciating the things in our life already.

Marika Humphreys:

So another way to practice gratitude that I've also done before and I did for a good while, which was a lot of fun and I just didn't keep it up, but is a gratitude jar. You find a jar or a box or any sort of container and you get up packet of sticky notes and each day you just write down one thing that you're grateful for, and often the more detail you include, it helps you to relive that moment a little bit. So maybe if it was just someone super kind at the grocery store and how much you appreciated it and you were kind of having a hard day and then someone made you laugh, write that down, put it in your gratitude jar and then on really tough days, you can pull out some of those notes and relive those moments of gratitude. And you can also just practice gratitude in the moment, just by pausing and noticing the small things as you walk by that beautiful tree or you drive by that beautiful sunset. Right In the Pacific Northwest, especially when it's rainy, we often have gray, cloudy days, so I am always very appreciative when the sun comes out and I appreciate it so much more now than I did when I lived in California and I had a lot more sunny days. So practicing feeling grateful for nature and warm coat, cozy hat or the warmth of the sun on your legs in the summer, those are just everyday things that can be easy to overlook, but when you stop and notice them changes your perspective. So the key to gratitude is to make these practices work for you.

Marika Humphreys:

Your caregiving journey is unique, so your gratitude practice should be something that works for you and it might be something you try a couple of different methods. Maybe journaling doesn't feel very doable for you, but just noticing and making a point to kind of notice a couple of things throughout the day is much easier. I think I know for some people, thinking about one thing they're grateful for first thing in the morning is another way to do it, or you can just take a mental note instead of holding a gratitude jar, you can just take a mental note. Instead of holding a gratitude jar, you can just make a mental note of something you're grateful for. So gratitude doesn't have to be another to-do item on your list, but it can be something to just be mindful of and always asking the question what can I be grateful for here, or what is something I can appreciate?

Marika Humphreys:

The last thing I want to talk about and I've talked about it a little bit already is balancing gratitude and grief or sadness. I know I've mentioned this a few times already, but it is really important to say that we can have both emotions. We can feel the sadness, acknowledge the grief and also find the light, find the things we appreciate, find the things we're grateful for. Those emotions they aren't opposites of each other. They can coexist and they often do, especially in caregiving. We often have a lot of conflicting feelings. So when you're able to remind yourself that we can hold both feelings at the same time, again it creates more of a sense of balance that helps us move through what is often really challenging times.

Marika Humphreys:

Gratitude, finding those moments to be grateful for and thankful for it, won't change the pain. It won't take that away. It can make it a little easier to bear because you start seeing it with perspective. The grief and the sadness that you feel is real and it is important to acknowledge that. And I want to emphasize that. I actually have a client currently that she's actually amazing, practicing gratitude. She's always in our calls, she always mentions what she is grateful for and she has a very active gratitude practice. However, one thing that I have noticed is sometimes she does not allow herself to feel the pain as well, she skips over it a little bit, and when we do that, we don't validate those emotions and it can make gratitude a little bit of an intellectual practice as opposed to something that we feel.

Marika Humphreys:

So when we acknowledge our pain and our sadness and how things are hard, when we just give ourselves a moment to just acknowledge that oh yes, this is hard, I am sad, I'm struggling, then we can often it's easier, in fact, to look for the light. So you have to kind of give yourself that space. I think a lot of times we fear dwelling in it or feeling sorry for ourself, but that's not acknowledging. Acknowledging is just noticing. This is what I'm feeling and it's okay. You don't have to wallow in something to acknowledge it, but when you can acknowledge it. It's often easier to really feel the gratitude when you allow yourself to, as opposed to just kind of skipping over the pain. You don't want to ever use gratitude to pretend that everything's okay and it's not hard. It's just about finding space for both the pain and the good. The sadness is real and there are still moments of light, still moments of connection or peace. That's what helps you have the strength to keep going. So grief is essential part of this experience, but gratitude is what will give you perspective.

Marika Humphreys:

Another one of my clients. I want to share a story from another one of my clients. Her husband was undergoing some intensive treatments and their days were filled with appointments and lots of uncertainty, as is pretty common, and it was exhausting and there was a lot of grief of just watching someone you love go through all of that. But one of the things that she mentioned many times how grateful she was was their medical team. She just had a great group of doctors and, I think, some specialists who genuinely cared and were on top of it, and she was so appreciative of that. They took time to explain things to her and answer questions and were supportive, and that was something she was just always so appreciative of, so much so that it was one of the things that she relied on. One of the kind of thoughts that she relied on is we have a great team, and so when she was feeling moments of doubt, her gratitude and appreciation and belief in this team really helped get her through. So while being grateful for that team didn't take away the challenge of the situation and the grief of watching her husband go through all this, it did give her something steady to focus on when everything else felt challenging. So finding something like that, that balance, is very powerful.

Marika Humphreys:

It doesn't minimize the grief, doesn't minimize the sadness, but it does allow you to feel the full range of emotions. You can grieve the diagnosis and the changes in your relationship or the future that you're afraid of losing and, at the same time, also notice and appreciate the small meaningful moments that happen along the way. So start right now. When you're feeling overwhelmed, just pause, let yourself acknowledge that feeling, breathe it in. As I like to say, stop and acknowledge it, notice it, sit with it for a minute without judgment, but then look for something, however small, that you can be grateful for. Maybe it's the kind word of your friend, or moment of laughter with your husband or partner, or just the fact that you made it through the day and you've got a warm, comfortable couch to sit on. Pop up your feet. So gratitude doesn't make the pain go away, but it can soften the edges, it can remind us all, even when times are dark, there is light, and that sometimes smallest little bit is what helps keep us going. So I want to encourage you to try on one gratitude practice this week. Just start thinking about it. What is one thing that I can notice and appreciate today? Or what can I start my day out appreciating? Or take the gratitude jar and write down one thing each day and just go for a week and see how you feel.

Marika Humphreys:

I would love to hear from you. I would love to hear from you. I would love to hear how you're practicing gratitude or if you've got some other ways that you practice gratitude. I would love to hear them. You can email me, marika, at coachmarikacom. That's M-A-R. Thanks for joining me today. Take care of yourself and remember you are stronger than you think. Joining me today, take care of yourself and remember you are stronger than you think. And I'm going to leave you with a quote from Maya Angelou. She says we may encounter many defeats, but we must not be defeated. All right, my friends, I'll see you next week.