44. The Lies Caregivers Tell Themselves - and How to Rewrite Them

In this episode I reflect on a conversation with a client whose husband has end-stage pancreatic cancer. After nearly a decade of caregiving, she shared the all-too-familiar feeling: “I’m so over this. And yet, it’s not over.” 

Her words opened up a discussion about the stories we tell ourselves as caregivers—the ones that focus on our exhaustion and struggles while ignoring our resilience and strength.

Caregiving is hard, especially when your partner is battling cancer. It’s easy to get stuck in a loop of self-talk that magnifies the challenges and minimizes your efforts. 

But what if you could shift that narrative? What if you could see both sides of the story?

This episode introduces a simple yet transformative tool: the word AND. Using AND allows us to acknowledge our pain and exhaustion while also recognizing our incredible resilience. You can be tired AND strong, scared AND capable. This small word creates room for a more honest, empowering story about who you are and what you can handle.

Join me as I share practical strategies to shift your self-talk, find the resilience in your story, and embrace the full truth of your caregiving journey. You’re stronger than you think—and AND can help you see it.

Tune in to transform how you see yourself and navigate the challenges of caregiving with greater strength and clarity.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Chapters

• 0:00 Challenging Self-Talk
• 11:55 Embrace the Power of 'And

Transcript

Marika Humphreys: 0:31

Hello and welcome to the podcast. Recently I had a conversation with a client. Her husband has end-stage pancreatic cancer and she has been his caregiver for nearly a decade. Over the years their relationship has become strained and the weight of caregiving has taken a toll on her. And I asked her how she was doing and she said I'm so over this, and yet it's not over. And her words really struck me, in part because of how familiar they were.

Marika Humphreys: 1:03

Here is someone carrying much, many years of caregiving, a difficult relationship and the emotional burden of watching her husband decline, and yet she's still going, of watching her husband decline, and yet she's still going right. And as we talked more about it, she shared all the things that she was doing to stay on top of the holiday season. She talked about the tasks and she was already had the gifts buying taken care of and she just listed all these things like it was no big deal. So I pointed out to her that she wasn't giving herself enough credit. She was telling herself part of the story, the part that felt exhausted, overwhelmed and drained by this long journey that she's been on. And for sure that part is real and valid. But there is another part of her story that she was completely overlooking. There is the part that is unbelievably resilient, the part that keeps showing up day after day, even when she's tired, even when it's hard, and that's the part of her that's growing, that's still fighting, that's still silently remaking herself through this difficult journey, and she wasn't acknowledging the strength that she's been carrying through this entire thing. And part of that is because our calls are the time for her and all of my clients to really be able to unload and unburden themselves with everything that they're going through, because most people don't have someone that they can share their deepest thoughts and feelings and not worry about being judged or if they'll be understood.

Marika Humphreys: 2:53

I've been there and I get it, and I've had many of those same worn out thoughts and feelings myself, which is why I wanted to do this podcast episode because we don't always realize the impact of the stories we tell ourselves. We tell ourselves these narrow, limiting stories about who we are and what we're capable of, and our self-talk often focuses on the struggles but misses our successes, misses our triumphs. Our self-talk can highlight our failures but ignore the resilience we have. So today I want to talk about the lies that we tell ourself in our self-talk and how to shift that narrative. And I say lies intentionally because it's a provocative word, but we are in a way lying to ourself by not telling ourself the whole truth. Because when you tell yourself a more complete, more honest story, one that includes your challenges and your strengths, it can change how you see yourself and how you move through this entire cancer journey with your partner and also how you move through the world. So let's dive in.

Marika Humphreys: 4:12

When I'm coaching clients, I often hear things like I can't do this anymore, I can't keep this up, I'm just done. Those thoughts are so common and they come from the mental and emotional fatigue of caregiving. I have been there for a really long period of time. The constant loop in my mind when my husband was really in the last couple of years of his cancer battle. The constant loop in my mind was I can't keep doing this. And it was a subtle thing. Every setback really tested my resilience and often I just felt like I was already past my mental and emotional capacity to deal with it all. But the thing is that was a lie, because I was doing it, I was showing up each day, I was doing it. I wasn't telling myself the full truth and that is very true of all the variations of that that I hear from my clients too. It's not the full truth. It feels real in the moment because caregiving is hard when your partner is facing something as serious as cancer. There is a lot that you're dealing with and it's tiring and it can feel overwhelming and frightening at times. So it is no wonder that thoughts like that pop up, but they only tell a part of the story, the part that is overwhelmed, the part where we feel like we're failing, and the more we focus on that, the more it becomes the lens through which we see everything. When we tell ourselves we can't take it or we're're done, or we just can't do it anymore, reinforces the fatigue right, and that can be a really slippery slope into self-pity, because what we focus on magnifies. So if all we see is how worn out and stuck we feel, that's what grows in our mind and that is what we're going to see more of. That's what grows in our mind and that is what we're going to see more of.

Marika Humphreys: 6:18

This tendency to really zero in on the negative isn't a flaw or anything. It's simply how our brains are wired. Focusing on what could go wrong has helped humans survive. It has kept us alert to potential dangers. But now that survival instinct often works against us because instead of helping us dodge or look out for the saber-toothed tiger, it just leaves us feeling really down and exhausted and defeated. So understanding and awareness of this tendency is really key, because when we have that, it gives us the power to challenge it.

Marika Humphreys: 6:55

When we recognize that our brain is hardwired to see the negative, we can start looking for that other side of the story, the part that's about our resilience, our effort, the small wins that we have, how capable we actually are, and that is a shift that can be very powerful. So what needs to happen is we need to take a wider view, and I is a shift that can be very powerful. So what needs to happen is we need to take a wider view, and I think a really good analogy for this is pretty simple. But imagine looking through a camera lens that's zoomed all the way in. You're only seeing a little tiny slice of the picture, and whatever you're seeing just looks like the whole picture, but it's just a fraction of it. So when you zoom out, suddenly you get the whole picture. You have more perspective. That's what we need to do with our self-talk. We need to zoom out so we can see not just the struggle, not just the fatigue, but also the strength, also our own strengths and capabilities.

Marika Humphreys: 7:55

When you tell yourself a more complete truth, it can really it will change how you feel because, instead of feeling like you're barely hanging on, you'll start to feel more capable, even strong. And there is a simple way to do this it's by using a small three-letter word. You're going to be surprised at what the word is. The word is, and here's how this works. You can say to yourself I'm so over this and I'm still showing up every day, or it feels like I can't keep this up and I'm more capable than I realize the word and has this amazing ability to link two thoughts right, even ones that can seem completely contradictory or opposite. You can be tired and strong, you can be fearful and resilient, and when we link our thoughts with the word and it doesn't erase the hard parts, it's just simply makes room for the rest of the story, makes room for the strengths we have and the successes that exist as well. So when we use and we're acknowledging that, yes, there are challenges, but we're also reminding ourselves of the part of us that's still fighting, still growing, that's still thriving, because the second part of the story is the part that we usually leave out.

Marika Humphreys: 9:23

I'll tell you, recently this also came up with another one of my clients. I'll call her Mary. She is in the last months of her husband's life and she has been struggling under the weight of caregiving and grief and she doesn't know how long he has. No one does, but it's a very hard time. And as we talked about it, she shared how tired and really just exhausted she's feeling and she was telling herself I can't keep doing this. But I encouraged her to start using and because, yes, she's tired and she is still showing up for her husband with love and care every single day. And I want her to remember that, to give herself some credit for that. Focus on her resilience, focus on her capability, focus on her strength.

Marika Humphreys: 10:13

That small shift in language can really help you see the incredible strength that you have within you. Even in the midst of really difficult times, we are all so much more capable than we give ourselves credit for. So and is a really useful word and you can use it actually in a lot of different situations If you get bad news from the doctor, you can say, like this is scary and we'll figure it out. You can use it when your partner has a scan coming up and you're feeling really anxious I'm super anxious right now and I know we'll manage, no matter what the results are. You can even use it when your partner is really struggling and you're feeling helpless to help them. I hate not being able to help them and I know that they're strong. So you may have to look for the and you might have to get creative a little bit about it, but I really want to encourage you look for the resilient part of the story. It's the part that we always leave out, but it's also the part that's always there.

Marika Humphreys: 11:21

Doing this does take some practice. It does require the skills of self-awareness and of mind management, which is being tuned into your thoughts, so you notice them as they're running through your head and you can choose what to think instead or choose to let go of certain thoughts. That is part of the skills of mind management. Those are some of the things we work on when you coach with me, so just start paying attention. Is there a certain situation that triggers a really defeated feeling or a thought.

Marika Humphreys: 11:55

Try to catch yourself and insert and in there so you can balance that narrative. It does make a difference. When you tell yourself the and part of the story, you're no longer selling yourself short. You're telling the whole beautiful truth of your story, recognizing both the challenges and the strengths that coexist within you, because if you argue for your limitations, you get to keep them. That's a quote that I actually heard recently, and the same is true of your strengths, so argue for those as well. Okay, embrace and, and the next time you catch yourself in that negative loop, remember the power of that simple three letter word. I hope this episode has been useful and inspirational. You are strong, my friend. I know you are stronger than you think. So thanks for listening and I will see you next week.