In This Together: Building Resilience When Your Partner Has Cancer

42. 6 Steps to Stay Grounded After Your Partner's Cancer Diagnosis

• Marika • Season 1 • Episode 42

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When your partner is diagnosed with cancer, your world shifts in an instant. Shock, fear, and uncertainty flood in, leaving you grasping for solid ground. I’ve been there, and as a caregiver coach, I’ve guided others through this life-altering moment. In this episode, I share six powerful steps to help you find stability and build resilience in those early, overwhelming weeks.

Start by pausing and breathing—giving space to feel your emotions without judgment. Let your thoughts flow onto paper through journaling to calm the storm of fear. Don’t let self-care slip; even small adjustments can make a difference.

Seek support early from friends, family, or professionals—it’s not a solo journey. Deepen emotional connection with your partner through open conversations and mutual support. And remember to reset your expectations. Patience with yourself and the process is key as you step into this uncharted territory together.

Listen to the full episode to learn how to navigate these steps and begin your journey toward resilience.


Mentioned in the podcast:
20. Embracing Help as a Strength When Caregiving

2. Stop Caregiver Worry by Believing in Their Strength


As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Hello caregivers and care partners out there, welcome back to the podcast. Today I wanna dive into one of the most challenging moments that a couple can face. It's really more than a moment, it's a period of time, but that is when your spouse gets a cancer diagnosis. It can completely turn your world upside down. It brings up a flood of emotions shock, fear, anxiety, sadness, overwhelm and then your mind races with questions like what if this happens? How will we deal with this? It is a deeply difficult time, and if you are in the thick of it while you're listening to this, my heart goes out to you. I know how it feels. Today, I'm going to share some steps that you can take right after you get this news Not exactly right after, but in the period of time, the weeks and months after getting a new cancer diagnosis and these are things that I have learned through my own experience and through coaching others through this time, and they will help you stay grounded and resilient during a time of great uncertainty. So I want to start by sharing my story.

Marika Humphreys:

I very vividly remember the day I had just gotten back from a week-long business trip. So I was on the East Coast, my husband had stayed home on the West Coast and he picked me up from the airport. And on the way home from the airport he said to me Marika, there's something I need to tell you, and I remember his tone immediately worried me. I knew it was something serious, but nothing could have prepared me for what he said. Next they found a cancerous tumor in my arm and I just remember being in literally complete shock. I think I was kind of stunned. I mean we were in the car he was driving and I remember kind of stunned. I mean we were in the car he was driving and I remember just being stunned. My mind then started just racing with all the questions as I literally just tried to process into the oncologist's office at our local hospital and walking down the hallway and seeing Cancer Center written up on the wall and thinking to myself how did we even end up here? It was just so out of our realm of experience and that was really such an emotional rollercoaster time. That was really such an emotional rollercoaster time. One day I would feel overwhelmed and scared. The next I would just be consumed with sadness. My mind wouldn't stop whirling with worries about the future. Everything just became uncertain.

Marika Humphreys:

So if any of this sounds familiar. I want you to know you're not alone in this experience. It is very normal to feel overwhelmed're not alone in this experience. It is very normal to feel overwhelmed and unsure what to do next. It is shocking news for anybody, but that is why I wanted to do this episode today because I want to share with you six steps that I've put to as I've thought about this and as I've coached through people through this time. What I know now about this period of I've coached people through this time, what I know now about this period of time having the perspective that I do, these six steps, I think, are really good starting points for setting you up to go through this time with some more clarity, to help you stay grounded and really help you stay resilient. So I do want to say, even if this isn't your exact situation or you may be at a different stage in the caregiving journey with your partner, these steps are still helpful.

Marika Humphreys:

I think this episode will still be helpful, no matter where you are, but this is definitely the beginning, is a time of emotional and mental adjustment. The beginning is a time of emotional and mental adjustment and that can be true, I think, of other stages in the caregiving journey or of your journey with your partner who has a diagnosis. There are periods where we go through big mental and emotional adjustments and it's a time when big feelings surface shock, fear, sadness, grief. And it's also a time when our questions start swirling what if this happens? What happens next? How much time do we have? It is when self-care matters more than ever, and it's definitely a time I learned this the hard way when you need to reach out for support for yourself, for your spouse, when you need to start adjusting your expectations for yourself, your plans for the future, and to also lean in and really connect with your partner. So it is a heavy time, but I promise you you will make it through. You will get through it and the key, often, some days may just be one step at a time. That has helped me at many times during my journey with my partner, with my husband at the time. So let's talk about how to navigate it. I've got six steps for you to take when your partner or spouse gets a cancer diagnosis, and the first tip I want to share with you is this stop and take a breath.

Marika Humphreys:

You are probably feeling, as I mentioned, a roller coaster of emotions fear, shock, grief, overwhelm, sadness, anxiety, anger Guess what? All of it is normal in the sense that it's going to be overwhelming. The emotions will feel overwhelming, and that's normal. And it doesn't mean anything has gone wrong. It just means you are adjusting to a major upheaval and it's also really common to be easily triggered emotionally more than you would be normally. That's okay too. This is just your brain and your body trying to process and digest what's happening, and that can take days, if not weeks.

Marika Humphreys:

I was recently coaching a colleague whose husband was diagnosed with cancer out of the blue, as it often is and she told me how much she'd been crying and how exhausting it was. So if you've ever been in that place, it can feel like the tears just will never stop. But I promise you they will. And, even more importantly, crying can be really healthy and necessary release of emotion, right, and it's part of how we adjust to a life-changing event. But the tears, they may sometimes feel unstoppable, but they aren't. They will stop. And it's more important to really let them come out, especially in this beginning time. And when I say stop and take a breath, I really want you to think about too, that any of the emotions you might be feeling no matter. You are even comfortable saying them out loud. None of them are wrong and they don't need fixing.

Marika Humphreys:

A lot of times we tend to judge our emotions. If we think about ourself, then we judge ourselves and go. I'm being selfish. If we have anger, we might judge ourself, or we want to try to fix our emotions. We need to be positive or need to be more upbeat or whatever it is. But emotions are just an um of how we're thinking and I've talked about that more in other podcasts so I'm not going to go into it here. But it is a natural response. Like you're going to feel a whole gamut of emotions, and it's a natural response when something is new and overwhelming. This is a new and overwhelming reality that you're coping with.

Marika Humphreys:

But what we often do when we're flooded with emotions is we look for ways to escape them. We do this through food, through alcohol, through our phones, through TV and there's really countless other ways that we can numb ourselves or distract ourselves or escape from the emotions we're feeling. But none of those will actually help and in fact, often it can make it worse, because when we push our emotions down or we avoid them, we suppress them in some way. Think of it like blocking a river with a dam right. When you build a dam, and especially if you're on the other side of the dam, you can look up and you don't see the water. But it doesn't mean that water isn't building up right and the pressure is building up on the other side and eventually it will overflow unless you have a release in there. So that's why I mentioned that crying can be a really important release. So you do need to bring awareness instead to your emotions. So it doesn't mean you need to spend all your days crying.

Marika Humphreys:

I want to really recommend instead that you try to notice what you're feeling, acknowledge and allow those emotions. So start by noticing what you're feeling and naming it. There's an expression name it to tame it. Naming it is simply like oh, is this sadness that I'm feeling? Is it fear? Is it anger? Give it a name and allowing it comes into just noticing it and then letting it be there. We don't have to act out our emotions. We don't have to respond to them. We can let them be. That's something that we're mostly not. We're not used to doing. We tend to respond to our emotions or we want to fix them or we want to solve them. We're not used to just letting ourselves have them and sort of observing ourselves with that emotion. That's what I want to recommend you try. And the way to do that is by literally giving it a name, you know, naming what you're feeling and then just noticing it.

Marika Humphreys:

The more you allow yourself to feel emotions without judgment, the less overwhelming and exhausting they'll become. When people come to me, it's often because they've been holding back emotions and they're exhausted with the effort. And you may need to do that at certain points of time, maybe when you're at work or with your boss. May need to do that at certain points of time, maybe when you're at work or with your boss. But find times to give yourself a release, because that pressure will build if you don't have a release valve for it. I'm going to talk about that next in step number two. But emotions, they're like waves If you ride them out, they will pass, they come and they go, but if you fight them or block them, they grow stronger, right. So take a breath, notice what you're feeling. So take a breath, notice what you're feeling, name it, let it be there, all right.

Marika Humphreys:

The second tip that I want to share is to start a journal. When you get really shocking news, your brain starts to go into overdrive and it's just trying to make sense of the news and you'll probably notice a flood of thoughts, fears, questions swirling around. How did this even happen? What are we going to do? How will this affect? You know? Fill in the blank Whatever you have upcoming, you'll start thinking about the future. You'll start wondering about the past decisions. About the future, you'll start wondering about the past decisions. Your brain is working over time to adjust and process a major change, and the problem is, for most of the questions, there aren't clear answers, so they stay open, unresolved loops in your mind, and the problem with that is that our brain hates open loops, so they'll keep circling back on those questions and that's how we end up just ruminating and the mental loop can mess with your focus. It'll keep you up at night, it'll drag you into spirals of fear and self-pity and worst case scenario thinking.

Marika Humphreys:

So that is why starting a journal can be a really powerful tool, and I'd like to recommend to people that you just use it as a space to unload your thoughts and emotions. You're just downloading, you're just getting them out of your head. So it's not about fixing things, it's not about chronicling chronicling the day. It's just about giving yourself a space to unload all the thoughts, the fears, the worries, the questions, so that they're not swirling around in your head, wearing you down, distracting your focus. So a lot of people try to avoid their darkest thoughts and feelings. But avoiding doesn't work. It's just like our emotions. All that does is we just sort of suppress it, and what usually happens is we wake up in the middle of the night or when times are quiet and those thoughts come right back up. So that is why, when you put your fears and worries onto paper, it is actually almost like a cleansing process a little bit, because it takes it out of your mind and puts it somewhere.

Marika Humphreys:

So write out your fears, no matter how scary or irrational, and just remind yourself, just because you think something doesn't make it true. Okay, this is, our brain likes to think all sorts of things. That doesn't mean they will happen. Fears and worries are simply our brain's way of trying to make sense of new, unsettling reality, tries to solve the problems that we're anticipating. So writing things down, when you write them down, it creates space between you and your thoughts, which is a beautiful thing.

Marika Humphreys:

That is actually a skill that I teach my clients is how to separate yourself from your thoughts so that your thoughts don't take over, and a tool that I teach them to use is called the model, and I will talk about it in this podcast, if I haven't already. It's just simply a framework that helps you see your thoughts and the influence they have over your emotions and actions. But with this awareness, you're no longer at the mercy of your fears. You can observe them, you can challenge them. You cannot let them dictate how you feel or act. And that is what's so important. Especially at a time where you're making a lot of decisions, you're taking in a lot of new information, we need to be able to think clearly, and when you don't have a skill or a way of cleansing out those worries and fears, it's easy to get overwhelmed by the heightened emotions and lose your ability to problem solve. Without this skill, it's really easy to get overwhelmed by heightened emotions and lose your ability to problem solve effectively. So grab a notebook, let it all out, start reclaiming some of your mental clarity by journaling down your thoughts, your emotions, your fears, your worries, your questions, okay.

Marika Humphreys:

The third tip that I want to share is whatever you're doing right now to take care of yourself, don't stop. Yes, life is going to get chaotic. There'll be doctor's appointments, you're going to be waiting for results. There's going to be constant disruptions. Your routine will absolutely be impacted, and you'll probably have to adjust your schedule or the frequency of your self-care, but keep those habits up, even in some small way. This is so important, because here's what tends to happen, especially in the early stages, I think, of your partner's diagnosis. Your routines go out the window, and that is understandable, because there's just more to juggle Medical appointments that you need to travel to. Everything gets thrown off, but losing your self-care habits completely will take a toll, because your health and energy are critical, and that becomes even more critical when your partner has a diagnosis.

Marika Humphreys:

You become a caregiver, or a care partner. They may need to lean on you in the weeks and months ahead, and the only way that you can be there for them is by maintaining your own wellbeing, and that's a really hard adjustment, in a way of thinking. The way we tend to think, though, is we put our needs last, because theirs are more critical at the moment, and while I definitely understand that this is necessary sometimes, I'm saying this because I want you to watch out for it that it doesn't become a permanent state. You may need to. You won't be able to do your routine in the same way that you have, but maintain it as much as possible with the adjustments you need to make, because when we drop our habits, it's so much harder to pick them back up again. So, even if it's not perfect, do your best to keep up with the things that help you feel grounded, whether that's walking, journaling, meditating or something else. I cannot stress enough how important it is to keep taking care of yourself.

Marika Humphreys:

Okay, the next tip I have this is tip number four is to make sure you reach out for support, and you want to do this sooner than later. Okay, this is a tough time for both of you, right? While you and your spouse are facing the same challenge of a diagnosis, you're experiencing it from different perspectives. So if you are their main support, which often happens, you're supporting the one with the diagnosis. That is a beautiful thing, but it also means that you need support too, and as the caregiver which you may not think of yourself that way. But as the partner, you need support too, and often that kind of support is not just emotional, but later it'll probably be physical support. So I'm going to tell you what I mean by that. But on top of everything, often you might have a job, you're running a household, you have a family to manage.

Marika Humphreys:

A diagnosis like this can require a huge amount of adjustments and we cannot do that alone. Leaning on friends and family early and often is really important. When my husband was first diagnosed, we were really incredibly fortunate to have very supportive family. I had amazing coworkers. But even with all of that help, we did try to handle a lot on our own. And I look back now and I think it was later what we learned we actually reached out and got coaching support.

Marika Humphreys:

But here's what I've learned Cancer is unpredictable and it's hard and you will need someone to lean on as much as your spouse, especially for emotional support. So find a close friend, a coach, a therapist, someone who can just listen without judgment and help you process everything that you're going through because there'll be a lot and have someone in your corner so that you can be there for your partner. Later on, you're likely to need what I call physical support too, which is things like picking up the kids or helping with yard work, running errands. And here's what I want to say about that from the very beginning If you're new to this journey, right, people want to help. If people have offered help, they want to help. And I know it can feel uncomfortable to ask or even accept help, and sometimes you may not even know what to ask for. But accept help when it's offered.

Marika Humphreys:

Don't wait too long to reach out, because often that will lead to burnout. Don't let it get to that point. Start small. Just let people know what's going on, the people that you're comfortable with and what kind of support might help, or ask them to suggest something. Often people say, oh, let me know what I can do, and you're like I have no idea, but just say I don't even know what do you suggest. Put it back on them. I mean, I'm kind of laughing here, but that's a really common problem we don't even know what to ask for. That is not uncommon. I literally had this conversation with someone very recently. She was just saying I don't even know what to ask for. So if you are listening to this and you are someone that wants to offer help, suggest something. What can you do? Can you bring a meal, can you run some errands, can you watch the kids, ask them what they suggest. So if this is something you want to explore a little bit more or you struggle accepting help, I do have a whole podcast on this and I'll link it in the notes, so check that out, give that a listen. Remember you don't have to do this alone and people do want to help.

Marika Humphreys:

Okay, tip number five lean in to each other. You need each other more than ever and it is natural in our first reaction to news or a diagnosis is to kind of switch into go mode. You start tackling tasks or solving problems, but you do want to pause and lean on and into each other during this time. And what I mean by that is sometimes we have a tendency to turn away to deal with things when we're struggling with something, but if we're each turning away, that creates more disconnect. You both will go through your own emotions and your responses might look very different, and that's okay. It is normal.

Marika Humphreys:

But this time can be one of deep connection if you're willing to share your true feelings with each other and this doesn't have to be, I'm saying with each other. That's ideal, but it doesn't have to. You can be the one to initiate. That is what I want to say, because one common mistake that spouses make is holding back their emotions, and this is usually the care part. You're the one that wants to be strong and you want to be positive, and you don't want your partner to see you, you know, waver, because you don't want to upset them. So you avoid talking about your own fears and worries, but what it does create when you do that is it'll create distance, and that is not, I know, what most of us want. Well, we want connection. No one wants to feel like they're dumping their problems on their partner's lap. But that is why having a journal, having support, a close friend, a coach, can be so valuable, because you can have a place to dump your emotions, kind of unfiltered, and process everything so that when you are sharing with your spouse, you're just saying, hey, this is what I'm working on or this is what I'm struggling with. This is nothing you need to fix, but I just want to share what are you struggling with? This is nothing you need to fix, but I just want to share what are you struggling with.

Marika Humphreys:

Actually, another thing that I want to mention here is that another common thought we have about our partner is that we need to fix their emotions. If they're upset or worried or scared, we somehow need to make it better. Seeing them in pain can be really hard, whether that's emotional pain or physical pain, but their feelings are not something we can control or we need to control. But we can give them love. We can always give them love and support. They don't necessarily need solutions in that sense, right?

Marika Humphreys:

Another thing that I like to think about during this time is seek first to understand, then to be understood. So one way to lean in to your partner is just start by asking them how they're feeling, what are you worried about, what's on your mind, and this will really help you to understand where they are emotionally. Now they may not be ready to open up, and that's okay. They might not know how they're feeling, and that is okay too. But just by asking, you're letting them know you care and you're there. So it does create, it sets the tone, it creates an environment for connection, okay. Even if it doesn't happen, right then. But if they do share, you know, listen, take in how they're feeling and then share what you're worried about, what you're struggling with, right? If you can establish a habit of sharing openly with each other early on in this process, it will make a huge difference in how connected you feel as you navigate this time together. Okay, I really do think my husband and I got closer in many ways because he was willing to share and I was willing to share, and he was very vulnerable at times, and that is hard, especially often, for men, to do. So it can be a time of great connection.

Marika Humphreys:

And I lastly want to say that a lot of times we assume we know how our partner is thinking or feeling, but we can be really off base, and that is why it's important to check in, to listen, to ask them right. Seek first to understand, ask how they're feeling. Don't assume that you know or understand. Be open with each other and it will keep you on the same page, even when the road ahead will feel uncertain. Okay, and then the last tip I have for you is adjust your expectations and give yourself a lot of grace.

Marika Humphreys:

In the beginning of this journey, you are likely to find yourself in a waiting game, waiting for test results, waiting for answers, waiting for next steps, and it can feel very frustrating and frightening and you may feel a sense of urgency, like you need answers and a plan now. I remember how that felt and fear. I had a lot of fear at the beginning. But when we feel that urgency or the fear, it's not where we make our best decisions and it's not where we do our best problem solving. And it can also we can feel a sense of impatience, and so we really want to again breathe into those emotions, allow those emotions and have patience Patience not just with the process but with ourselves and with our spouse as we adjust. So if you feel yourself getting caught up, right, take a moment, breathe, remind yourself. This is a process. We're getting through it, we're figuring it out. I can have patience with myself, I can have patience with my husband or I can have patience with my wife.

Marika Humphreys:

So adapting to news like this is not something you're going to do overnight and it's not anything that any of us are naturally prepared for. It does take time. So let yourself be where you are emotionally, with awareness, but without judgment. So if you're scared, if you're sad, if you're overwhelmed, all of that is okay. And if you are unsure of how to support your spouse when you see their emotions or you see they're feeling frustrated by this kind of lack of control over the system. In the beginning, those are just really common feelings, but I do have a podcast about believing in your partner's strength, and I actually have a free video on my website as well. That is how to support your partner, so you can check out either of those. Give them a listen.

Marika Humphreys:

This is a massive shift. So everybody's going to be unsteady for a little while, and I think one of the biggest challenges people face is a tendency to judge themselves harshly or easily. So you might think I should be handling this better, or why can't I just stay positive? This new reality will take time and there is no right way to navigate through it. There's no right way to feel or respond. So give yourself permission to be human and recognize also that not everything will get done the way it has been to this point. What I mean by that is your house might not be as clean, you might not be able to cook the meals like you used to, you might not be on top of everything at work. All of that is okay. Your energy and focus will be pulled a little bit and you will need. There's an adjustment period. That's just what's happening, which is why, again, to help with that adjustment and to help with that pull in your energy and your focus, journaling is really important.

Marika Humphreys:

Acknowledging your emotions and getting support are all really important.

Marika Humphreys:

They all help support that.

Marika Humphreys:

But you want to be patient with yourself and also your spouse. They are processing and adjusting too. They are likely experiencing a whirlwind of emotions and their way of coping may be different from yours. So it doesn't mean that you're not on the same page. It just means you're both coping in the best way, that you know how and the more you can lean into each other instead of away. That's just going to connect you more, bring you greater understanding of what you each are going through. So give yourself a lot of grace, adjust your expectations and practice some patience and you will have more mental and emotional space to navigate the initial stage of this journey.

Marika Humphreys:

So when you take the steps we've talked about journaling, when you reach out for support, when you maintain your self-care routine in some form, when you intentionally lean into your partner and connect with them and share how you're feeling, you will be in the best position possible to adapt and to move forward, and to with resilience and with strength. So this is my area of expertise and I am here. I mentioned the free video on my website. I do think that's really helpful. If your partner's gotten a cancer diagnosis, that's especially helpful for that. So go check it out, and I hope this podcast was helpful. I will see you all next week.