In This Together: Building Resilience When Caregiving for Your Partner

37. Empowered Caregiving - Clarity and Awareness

• Marika • Season 1 • Episode 37

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This is the first in a 5 part series called Empowered Caregiving. In this episode, I dive into what it means to feel empowered as a caregiver and why clarity is a crucial part of that journey. 

I talk about empowerment as the feeling of being capable and resourceful—even without having all the answers—and how self-trust and intentional choices can keep you grounded. 

I explore the importance of taking time to reflect on your emotions and priorities, even when caregiving can feel like a constant cycle of tasks and demands.

Through personal stories and analogies, I share why it’s easy to lose sight of your own needs and how building a routine of self-reflection can help you reconnect with yourself. 

I offer you some key questions to assess where you am in the caregiving journey, how you're holding up mentally and emotionally, and what you truly want for yourself. 

This episode is all about understanding how clarity and self-awareness can keep you from burnout and bring you back to what really matters.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Welcome to day one of the Empowered Caregiving Challenge. I am Marika Humphries. I am a resiliency coach and I coach people who are caregiving for a partner. So I created this challenge because caregiving is hard. I was my husband's caregiver during his five-year battle with cancer and I was his care partner is probably a better title for me and at the time I was working full-time. Our child was five when he was first diagnosed, so we had a young child and it is challenging. So, no matter whether you are a full-time caregiver or it's something you do in addition to working and parenting, it's hard. It is a really difficult role to take on and as a coach for caregivers, I often see that there are some things that we do, usually subconsciously, that we aren't aware of, that can be very disempowering to us in the caregiver role. So for the next five days starting today, I'm going to focus on one little thing each day that can help you gain a little more clarity, a little more intention and a little more control in this part of your life. So that is my challenge to you is to show up in one way or another, whether it's right here, live on Zoom, or it's in the replay that I will send out, if you're on my email list, and take on that challenge of doing just the one little thing to bring some more clarity and power and kind of sense of control in this part of your life. And then at the end so we're going to get started today, and at the end of each day I'm going to give you some questions to focus on and to really think about. So that's where the work is done. So it is great to listen, but I want to encourage you to take the extra step and the more you kind of engage with these topics each day, the more you'll get from it. So, from the questions, don't just listen, spend a few minutes and answer them and as I go through this, as you think about the different topics, that's how you're going to kind of move towards feeling more empowered. All right, so that is my intro here.

Marika Humphreys:

Let's start by what does it mean to be empowered? I think I was thinking about this earlier. Now, these days, right, you can Google everything, and now we can ask chat, gpt or AI basically for all answers in our life. But I think, in caregiving, feeling empowered to me means feeling capable in your ability to get through things or to figure things out right. You might not always have the answers, but when you're feeling empowered, I think you feel capable to figure it out or to get through it in some way. Maybe it's asking it's relying on support or having tools. I think it's asking it's relying on support or having tools. I think it's trusting yourself. It's having an ability to trust yourself to navigate the challenges of caregiving. We don't always feel that way. We often don't trust ourselves, but when we're feeling empowered, it's easier to trust ourself.

Marika Humphreys:

Making decisions and responding to situations with thought and intention is also part of feeling empowered, as opposed to just reacting or kind of going on autopilot. I think when we're empowered we often have clarity. We know what's important to us, we know how we're feeling kind of at any point in time, we know what's important to our loved one, or at least what's kind of most, what we think is most important, and we also have awareness of ourselves and what we're struggling with, so that we kind of have awareness of when we need to tend to our own needs. So those are some of the things that I think goes into feeling empowered as a caregiver. Today I want to talk about clarity, so that's the theme for today. Clarity first, and that's just one element of feeling empowered. So we're going to talk about all the different elements throughout the next five days. When I talk about clarity, what I mean is really awareness, self-awareness of what's going on inside ourselves, like what emotions we're feeling, where our energy is, what we're struggling with, as well as what's important, like thinking about what's important to us maybe in our lives at this time, what's important in the role of caregiver that we're being or that we're in. So our awareness of ourselves and what's important. That's what I mean by clarity.

Marika Humphreys:

Often in caregiving we don't stop and take stock of kind of where we are. It can feel a little bit like a hamster wheel that we're just running on and doesn't stop and constantly emotion. We're just constantly dealing with the tasks that come in or the needs of the day, without stopping to check in, and often we get so focused on either our spouse or who we're caring for or other people's needs that we can become disconnected from ourselves Over time. If we do that continually, we will become disconnected Over time. If we do that continually, we will become disconnected. I see that time and time again with my clients. Is we just become disconnected from ourself because all of our attention and our energy is focused externally on someone else generally.

Marika Humphreys:

So I want to talk about why don't we take time to reflect. I always like to think about the whys behind things and I think it's a couple of reasons. One is it's often for many people myself included until I became a coach, until I actually was exposed to coaching and then later became a coach it just wasn't built into my routine. I didn't really have a routine of reflection, my routine. I didn't really have a routine of reflection, which maybe sounds funny, but now I see that as like it's a critical piece.

Marika Humphreys:

So one of the reasons I think we don't have clarity as caregivers is we just don't have a routine and a habit of self-reflection, and part of that is we're really not taught to, for the most part, be reflective. We're not taught, we don't, unless you're into mindfulness, which many people are now, or into meditation, but for the most part we don't really. We're kind of, we don't grow up with that as like this is just something we should do. It's very much I think our culture and our society is very much external, achievement focused and task focused and all the tasks we should do. But self-reflection is not really highly valued and yet I think this is one of the areas that comes up when we're caregiving. Is we? I think this is one of the areas that comes up when we're caregiving is we?

Marika Humphreys:

Without it, we can find ourselves burnout and overwhelmed and drained. And self-reflection that part of getting clear, gaining clarity and awareness requires some reflection, time and ideally regularly. So that's one of the reasons I think we don't stop to reflect. It's just not a routine we have, it's not a habit that we've built. And I think the other reason is can be it's hard to reflect on something when you feel like there's no answers, or think about if you're feeling exhausted and overwhelmed and to sit down and think about that anymore when you, when you don't feel like you have any ready solutions, it's kind of like what's the point? Why think about my problems if I can't solve them? So we can become accustomed to ignoring our emotions or our needs if we don't feel like there's any way to address them. We kind of feel powerless there. Basically, it can feel even safer to just avoid looking under the hood because you don't want to encounter the mess that you might find Another way. Another analogy probably is to think about is like opening a closet that's stuffed full of things and once you open it then you have to deal with what's inside, so you just keep the door shut. So I think sometimes that's also why we don't stop and take stock, we don't reflect and, especially with caregiving, a lot of times it feels like we have no choice or this is just kind of where it is or this is the way things need to be. It can be easy to feel somewhat powerless to our situation.

Marika Humphreys:

For me it was really kind of a pivotal time for me when I reflect back now, but I want to say, a couple of years into my husband's cancer journey I was just feeling really worn down and was feeling kind of resentful, which I've also felt guilty about. I was starting to get tired and I remember having this conversation with my mom. My daughter was on the swim team at the time and it was so summertime and I would go to the swim practices and like kind of pace around in the lawn outside and I remember just talking to my mom and basically venting and talking about how tired I was. I remember feeling guilty for that because I didn't have cancer. My husband had cancer. I was just tired and burnt out.

Marika Humphreys:

But I realized in that conversation that my struggle was also important. Yes, it wasn't cancer, it wasn't this major disease that is life-threatening. But I had my own challenges and I had really kind of, to that moment, been not acknowledging that to myself. I really had been kind of, to that moment, been not acknowledging that to myself. I really had been kind of diminishing my own struggles because I felt like I should just be able to handle this and move on. The problem with that was that by diminishing my own needs and really not paying attention, I just kind of kept going down the road of burnout and I wasn't able to be the spouse and the parent and the caregiver that I wanted to be, because I was just running out of empty. I was just literally running out of gas.

Marika Humphreys:

So in that conversation I remember saying to my mom like my struggle matters, like nobody's pain is more important than another because it's our own. That was the sort of very kind of I guess it's an intellectual way to think about it. But for me it made sense in that moment to think we can only experience our own pain. We can empathize with other people and mean that other people's challenges aren't bigger or worse, but it's still. If it's not your challenge, your challenge is what you have to deal with. So that was the way I started thinking about it, like, okay, well, my struggle is mine and I'm the one that has to deal with it and I can't just ignore it, right, because nobody else can take care of that but me. So that was a big turning point for me in not only just validating my own needs, but recognizing that my struggle mattered as well, and then I could start paying attention to okay, where am I struggling and what do I need?

Marika Humphreys:

So that was the first time I started. I really gave myself validation and permission, essentially stop and take stock. What was I struggling with? And I remember I felt very stuck in my job at the time because I really wanted to do, I actually wanted to take this overseas assignment, but we couldn't do that in the midst of my husband's cancer battle and we couldn't upset our insurance, and so then I felt stuck and everything seemed to be like just our lives had come to a standstill. So I started paying attention to that and through doing that, got some support for myself, which ultimately allowed me to show up better as a caregiver, but also just to have a life during that journey, which was really hard.

Marika Humphreys:

So taking stock and getting clear and having some awareness of what you're going through is important and it is one way that you will start feeling more empowered. Because when we lack awareness and we lack clarity, it is disempowering. When you're not clear, it's really easy to get stuck in reactive mode, just responding to whatever the latest crisis is, when we don't know what we truly need or where we're struggling. We will just again react to the demands that are placed on us because we're not internally driven, we're just responding and so we're just in reactive mode Without awareness.

Marika Humphreys:

I think it's hard to make thoughtful decisions, and this especially comes up maybe when priorities conflict. You might want to take a walk, but then your partner might want you by their side and those things sometimes conflict and you can say, well, I really prioritize my health and some downtime, but this is important as well. So when we don't have awareness around that and like what's really important and haven't kind of clarified that for ourselves, it's harder to make decisions in those situations where priorities conflict and often we will go with the needs of others over ourselves. And I'm not saying you should do that or not do that. It's making the decision for the moment that is right for you requires clarity and sometimes that might mean one thing and sometimes it might mean another thing. Right, but you have to have awareness there first in order to make that decision a little easier.

Marika Humphreys:

When we lack clarity, it's easier to feel overwhelmed because it's harder to prioritize right. So everything is important and we'll just try to do everything and try to kind of be everywhere. And again, when we don't have clarity about what we want, what's important to us, what we're struggling with, what we need inside, we're just going to try to do everything. Or on the reverse, sometimes people also shut down. I usually see one or the other People kind of try to do everything. That's what I often see more of, but sometimes I think people then also shut down and just like give up. So it can be one extreme or the other and without clarity we lose sight of what truly matters. This is something I think happens very easily in caregiving. This is something I think happens very easily in caregiving. We can get so focused on the task at hand and the needs, which are demanding often and are important, but we can lose sight on the bigger picture and also lose sight on, like, what matters more or what is more important here, and those are often bigger, overriding things like love and connection and presence, and those things are harder to see, kind of through the fog, when we don't have awareness and we haven't thought about those things for ourselves. I will give you an example that I've shared many times, but it's just a very profound and meaningful time for me.

Marika Humphreys:

But my husband had gone to a cancer treatment center overseas in Vienna, austria, and they had sort of a specialized program that we weren't able to find in the United States as easily. And while he was there he developed a complication that landed him in the hospital and I went over there with my 10-year-old at the time, or nine-year-old. I was told by a doctor that this complication he'd is probably not going to get through this, and that was really the first time in literally five years that a doctor had said he basically took me aside and this Austrian doctor took me aside and said you need to get him home. And so he couldn't even walk, he was bed bound, he had lost a ton of strength and he basically couldn't walk on his own, so getting him home was no small feat. It was very stressful. We were in a foreign country and I could have easily gotten very caught up, which don't get me wrong. It was incredibly stressful and hard trying to figure out how I was going to get him home, but I had the coaching tools.

Marika Humphreys:

At that point in our journey I was able to also have some presence and awareness and my husband was on painkillers and eventually I sent my 10-year-old home with my aunt. So I was just there with my husband, kind of working to get him home to back to the United States. But there were days where we just watched cooking shows together and he would send me to the corner store and we got like comfort food and I just treasure that time together because it was just. It was something that we always had in our relationship was, which was ability to connect and just talk and and hang out and be, and even though he was literally in a hospital bed, thankfully for the painkillers that he could kind of wasn't just in pain but he was bed bound and we're in this crazy situation where nothing is normal life, but yet we were able to have beautiful, more normal, normal-ish hours together and time together, together and time together. And so those are the things that those are the times that we can miss when we don't have the awareness and kind of keep in mind that the bigger things that are more important sometimes just being present, sharing, connecting love those are the things that are often more important, and it doesn't mean you don't take care of the tasks as well, but you don't want to lose sight of those bigger things. So that is also what clarity has.

Marika Humphreys:

So I'm going to give you an analogy to compare caregiving. I think of caregiving as like being in a marathon that you didn't know you were in or you didn't know you signed up for. For most people, for a lot of people, it can be a long journey and, just like a marathon, it has different stages. Those stages require kind of different pacing and different energy requirements. It just requires different things. So you can think about it in the early stages of a marathon and, honestly, I've never run a marathon. I do run now, so I do understand this. But I think we all get it, we all understand it's a long race, it's a long distance race. So, even though I've never run a marathon, and if you've never run a marathon or you don't run at all. I think this analogy will still make sense.

Marika Humphreys:

But in the early stages of a long race things are changing rapidly, they're unpredictable, and you're also kind of trying to get your stride and get familiar with the course and figuring out what works and what doesn't. So there's kind of a lot of ups and downs In the middle of the race. It's a little more routine. Things are more steady, more somewhat predictable, maybe very predictable sometimes, and that requires just more endurance. But it maybe requires also more balance. And at the end of the race I think it also then becomes a little more unpredictable. You need a little more energy again and things might shift and change rapidly and that requires energy and and maybe refocusing or focusing on different things. So your priorities and your energy output and your needs for yourself and what's important to you may shift and likely will shift, depending on what part of that journey you're on. So what was essential in the beginning may not be essential now and if you're nearing the end it may change again, right? So we need different things, both for ourselves and what's important. That can fluctuate and kind of change throughout the caregiving journey, which is why it's so important to just, at regular periods, sort of stop and take stock, right?

Marika Humphreys:

I said that today's theme was clarity first, so I wanna encourage you to do regularly stop and take stock of where you are and what's important. So here are some questions to think about. To do this, I want to. I'm gonna post these also in the chat, but I want you to think about. To do this, I want to. I'm going to post these also in the chat, but I want you to think about. Hold on one second here, let's see, okay. So some questions to think about, and you can write these down as well, if you're listening on the replay, and I will send these out in the email as well.

Marika Humphreys:

Where am I in this journey? So you may not know how long you're racist None of us know right but are you in the beginning stages? Have you been in it for a while? Maybe you may have an inkling if you're maybe nearing the end in whatever form that looks like. So where are you in this journey? Or sometimes for some people, like they were a caregiver and then they're returning to caregiving, like whatever happened has reoccurred. So just think about where are you in this journey of caregiving, and you might also think about are you? Is this something you're doing on top of other responsibilities? Are you working? Are you parenting? Is this what you're doing full-time? So where are you in the journey?

Marika Humphreys:

And then second question where is my mental and emotional energy? Are you exhausted? Are you pushing through? Are you doing okay Mentally? Maybe you're stressed, but you've got enough energy or you've got time? Kind of just think about where are you? Kind of take stock of your mental and emotional state. Are you struggling, just barely hanging on? Are you doing okay but could do better? Or do you feel like, yeah, I'm actually doing okay? Third question where do I want to be? So the first two is really about where you are, and the more you write here, the better. Three and four questions. Three and four about where you want to be. Okay, so where do you want to be? How do you want to feel? How would you? How would you like to feel, maybe on a daily basis or most days? How would you like your mental state to be? Maybe calm, confident, or more stronger, more resilient? What would you like it to be, Even though and this is not changing any situation right we're still staying a caregiver.

Marika Humphreys:

We're still having all the demands on our time that we currently have. So I want you to think about this in terms of your current situation. Okay, because we're not changing the situation here. We're just thinking about where we'd like to be, given our situation. And then the last question I have for you is why is it important? Think about what you'd like to have or where you'd like to be, and I want you to think about why is that important to you? Why does having more energy matter, or why does having balance matter, or more time for yourself, like whatever answer you gave in the previous question, why is that important? Why do you want that? Why do you think it will matter in your life? That is a great question to spend some time on that. We sometimes lose sight of our bigger whys and I want these questions to be broad. I want you to sort of interpret them however makes sense to you, because really just the process of answering these questions is reflection, right, it's going to bring you some clarity just by thinking about these things. But thinking about why things are important, that is something we don't spend enough time doing. I think we can do that in all areas of our life. So those questions. Spend some time thinking about them Today is just Okay, gaining awareness of what's going on internally for you, what's going on externally for you, where your energy is, where your emotions are, where you want them to be, and why any of that matters.

Marika Humphreys:

Why is it important? Think about those things? Because this clarity is how we create a map for ourselves. It's how we figure out where we are right and where we want to go. And when you have a map, your brain automatically, even in the subconscious, is going to go to work, kind of thinking about how to get you to that destination, even if you don't ever give any conscious thought to that. By identifying a destination this is how I'd like things to be. That's going to help give your mind something to focus on, and it's so. That's what you've done today, or what you will do when you answer these questions. You create a map yourself, you set yourself up to find ways to get to that destination, and that's how your brain will go to work on the background. So focus on those questions today.

Marika Humphreys:

If this is something that you would like support in, or if any of this kind of resonates with you and you're like gosh, I'd like to just build on this, like to just build on this, then I want to remind you or tell you that I have a program for individuals, just like you, called Raise your Resilience. It is a one-on-one coaching program where I support people who are caring for their partner, and the very first thing we do in that program is we focus on building awareness. We've just like we talked about today, it is a skill that we can build into our lives and that's one of the very first things I do with you in that program is focus on taking stock of your emotions, your energy, how you respond, what are your kind of habitual responses, and then we work towards seeing how, if those are serving you or not, and how we can work towards maybe better responses and better solutions. But it always starts with awareness, building awareness, and that's the very first foundational skill that we work on in my program. So imagine you're going through your day, your busy, caregiving day, and in the middle of it you pause and you kind of recognize, you notice you're feeling sort of anxious and you've got some tools and you identify that anxiety and you're like you're able to sit with it for a few minutes and kind of breathe through it and let it go and give yourself a few minutes to get back to yourself and then kind of go back to your busy day. That's what awareness can do for you, along with some other skills of knowing how to process through emotions. But those are the things that we work on in my program Raise your Resilience through emotions. But those are the things that we work on in my program Raise your Resilience. So that kind of clarity and regular awareness makes a total difference in the caregiving journey and I shared with you kind of when I made that realization for myself.

Marika Humphreys:

One of the things that came out of that conversation with my mom, where I had my aha moment was I got a coach. I got started getting support through coaching and that set my whole life on a different path. I've thought about it lots of times since then like crazy decision can change the trajectory. I look back on that now. At the time I just needed support and I finally recognized that. But it made a entire difference in my whole life really to this. So I want to encourage you if that is something you're interested in and getting support and starting to build the skill and you want help to build the skill, then set up a consultation with me. I want to challenge you to join me tomorrow, same time where we will talk about releasing the weight, and I will dig into that tomorrow. So today, focus on clarity. First is the theme. Go spend some time answering those questions and I will see you tomorrow.