In This Together: Building Resilience When Caregiving for Your Partner

36. Disempowered Caregiving

• Marika • Season 1 • Episode 36

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To feel empowered on the caregiving journey, we first need to understand what stands in our way.

In this episode, I dive into five common ways caregiving can leave us feeling disempowered, drained, and disconnected from ourselves. I start by defining disempowerment as that cycle of doubt, where nothing we do seems to make a difference. This is a familiar experience for caregivers, who often lose sight of their own needs while managing endless demands.

I then break down the factors that contribute to this cycle. First is a lack of clarity—without self-awareness, caregiving becomes like driving in thick fog, reacting to everything without direction. I explore the emotional toll of clinging to things we can’t control, like trying to influence a partner’s mood or health outcomes. I discuss the harm in judging our natural emotions, which only adds to guilt and exhaustion. And I cover two other common traps—neglecting our needs and failing to set boundaries—that can quickly lead to burnout.

If you're in the thick of caregiving, this episode is packed with insights to help you reconnect with your purpose. Don't miss it!

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Givers and care partners. Welcome back to the podcast. I'm excited because I've got something super cool planned and this podcast is gonna kick it off. So, starting November 4th 2024, I'm doing a five-day challenge called Empowered Caregiving, and each day I'm diving into one area that you can focus on to bring more confidence and control into your life in general, but specifically as a caregiver. So you can join me on Zoom live for these. You can watch the recording that I will send out if you are on my email list, or you can just listen to the following podcast episodes, because I'm going to make each day a podcast episode, so you will have lots of ways to access this material, because, my friends, this is important stuff. Each day, I'm going to focus on just one thing that can make a huge impact on the caregiving journey for you One way that you can get back in the driver's seat of this part of your life, because that's what being empowered means feeling like you're in the driver's seat.

Marika Humphreys:

I was just reflecting on. Coaching has impacted my life with a friend of mine who's also a fellow coach, and we've known each other since coach training school, where we met, and we realized that for both of us, in different ways. Coaching has totally changed the trajectory of our lives and it was crazy for me to think about that where my life would be now if I had never been introduced to coaching, which is just weird. I mean, we can think about this kind of scenario with all sorts of things, but I hadn't really thought about it in terms of coaching, and I know for a fact that I just would not be where I am. I wouldn't be in a great place in my life if it weren't for what I have learned through coaching. I would not have been able to come through my husband's passing and becoming a single parent and the challenges I've had with my teenager without coaching, without coaching and so much of coaching is about recognizing when we are focused on things outside of our control and when we're using our mind in a way that disempowers us, and then how to get back to focusing on what we can control and use our mind to empower us. So I want to encourage you join me for this challenge. If you're listening to this in the last week of October of 2024, if you are listening to this at a later date, don't worry, because the next several episodes will be from that challenge. So you can still do the challenge. You will just do it via podcast, or you can join my coaching program and I will have access to the challenge there as well.

Marika Humphreys:

So I want to start by addressing the other side of the coin. We need to talk about first the things that disempower us when we're caregiving. So today I'm going to dive into five ways that we feel disempowered in our lives and as caregivers. So let's get started, and I want to get clear on what we're talking about here.

Marika Humphreys:

First, I want to define what being disempowered looks like. So to me, feeling disempowered is like being stuck in this loop where you just don't feel in control or confident about what you're doing. It's that sense that, no matter what choice you make, it won't change things, kind of what's the point? You might start doubting yourself, you lose track of your own needs or get really disconnected from yourself. You just go along with what others expect because that's so much easier, right? For caregivers, it's really easy to feel this way and you feel like all you're doing is reacting to the constant demands without any space or support for yourself, and over time. That is draining, it drains your energy and it leaves us feeling really defeated. So when we're feeling disempowered, we lose motivation, we lack purpose, we lack our confidence and everything feels harder and it just is tiring and it will wear you out, and it is no fun to feel that way. So I want to break down the areas that contribute to this feeling and then in future episodes, I'm going to address the various ways that we can feel more empowered in the caregiving journey.

Marika Humphreys:

So to start, lacking clarity and awareness is one of the things that disempowers us. When you lack clarity and self-awareness as a caregiver, it's like driving in a thick fog no sense of direction. Right, you're just gripping the wheel, you're tense, you're just focused on the next few feet, because that's all you can see. So when we're in the state, we're not actually moving towards any meaningful destination, we're just trying to stay on the road. When we don't know, as caregivers, what we want and who we want to be in our role and in this part of our lives, we can very easily fall into survival mode, constantly just reacting to the next crisis or need, without any space to stop and breathe and think and without clarity about our values, our goals, our limits, we will just go on autopilot, sort of just tackling one thing after another, and there's no sense of purpose, and that's very understandable, right? So we all fall into this role, I think, in lots of areas of our life.

Marika Humphreys:

But I want to talk about it in terms of caregiving, because it's very easy to lose sight of ourselves and to become disconnected with what really matters to us and why we're doing this in the first place, when we don't have the space to check in or we don't take the space to check in and reflect and recognize even what's depleting us. So when we get so focused on helping someone else that we can't even see what's dragging ourselves down or identify the blocks that are keeping us from being at our best, that's when we're feeling really disempowered and that will lead to emotional exhaustion, physical exhaustion, and it leaves us feeling stuck. That is very much how I felt when I was caregiving just stuck, kind of like spinning my wheels, like not getting anywhere. And when we're in the state, it's hard to process your emotions in a healthy way, because you're always reacting. There's no time to really pause and ask why am I feeling this way? Or what do I need right now, right, instead feelings of frustration and sadness and guilt. They just build up, often unacknowledged, or often we sort of push them down and or judge ourselves for having them because they're not, we're not being the selfless caregiver that we feel like we should be. All of this just leads to more stress and more disempowerment.

Marika Humphreys:

Without clarity and intention and self-awareness, the daily grind of caregiving can feel endless and exhausting and very unfulfilling. So gaining clarity, self-awareness isn't just about knowing what the next step is. It's about reconnecting with your values, understanding your limits and being honest with yourself about your own needs. And when you have this clarity, you're no longer getting through the day. Instead, you're moving forward with some purpose and caregiving can have more meaning for you. It can be not just for your loved one that you're caring for, but also for you. So lacking this, lacking clarity and lacking self-awareness is one of the ways we feel disempowered.

Marika Humphreys:

The way that we can feel disempowered when we're caregiving is by holding on to things we can't control. Holding on to what we can't control, like, for example, how other people feel or what might happen with our partner's illness, it can drain your energy faster than anything else. Believe me, I speak from experience here. Think about it like have you ever tried to hold water in your hands? You cup your hands together and you can hold water for a little bit of time, but you can't. It will seep through. No matter how tight you grip your hands together, water will seep through. And the tighter you hold, the more you realize you're exhausted from something that you can't hold onto anyway, like for me.

Marika Humphreys:

I always was trying to keep my husband in a good mood or from getting upset, and usually it never worked. If he was frustrated or in pain and it would affect his mood, no matter what I did. When I tried to control his emotions or keep him from feeling upset. It was like trying to keep that water from slipping through my hands. It was just impossible and I would exhaust myself and frustrate myself in the process.

Marika Humphreys:

When we focus on things we can't control, our energy goes into trying to fix something that is not fixable by us, and when it doesn't work, that frustration will build and then we'll feel this sense of failure, even though it's something that was never in our power to change in the first place. And by focusing on what we can't control and holding on tight to those things, we end up drained, frustrated, feeling like we're in a losing battle. But if you step back and let go, you might realize that you have energy to focus on what you can handle, how you can respond, how you care for yourself, how you stay grounded through the uncertainty. So letting go of what's beyond your reach is very freeing because it stops wasting your emotional energy on things you can't change, and it also means you can put your focus on where it matters, on the actions that actually help you stay calm, stay steady, actually help you support your partner and yourself. So when you stop gripping tightly to the things that you can't control, you give yourself some room to breathe and manage what's actually in your power. And that's where resilience really comes in not in controlling everything, but in handling what you can with calm and clarity.

Marika Humphreys:

So holding on to things you can't control is another way that we can feel very disempowered in caregiving. Also, resisting or judging your emotions that is another way that we feel very disempowered in caregiving. Caregiving will bring up a whole range of emotions, from sadness and fear to frustration and anxiety, and these emotions can feel very overwhelming and sometimes we may even be ashamed of the feelings we're having. For example, you might feel a surge of anger when your partner does something or neglects to take care of their health and then you feel guilty about it because you know that they're struggling or you know they're in pain. It's perfectly normal responses to feel these emotional ups and downs when caregiving.

Marika Humphreys:

Feel these emotional ups and downs when caregiving, but they're hard to accept when we see them in ourselves right, and when we see that our partner is suffering so much, it can be really hard to accept this part of ourselves. And sometimes these we call them. We feel like they're forbidden emotions or they're wrong emotions. They will then lead us to feel more guilt and more shame. So you might feel resentment about having to put your life on hold or guilt for feeling relieved when you get a little break from caregiving, right. So judging yourself for these reactions or trying to suppress them can make you feel like you're failing as a caregiver, and then that spirals into self-doubt and even more shame.

Marika Humphreys:

So judging and resisting these feelings is disempowering because it traps us in the very emotions that we're trying to avoid. We get stuck in those feelings when we avoid or reject those uncomfortable emotions. They don't go away. They just go unprocessed. They just sit in our body, kind of waiting for us. So let's say, if you're feeling resentment and you don't really even acknowledge it to yourself, that resentment usually grows quietly in the background and it will show up later. You'll be snappy or you'll feel emotionally exhausted because it never gets fully processed and released. So instead it weighs you down and prevents you from being fully present. But if, on the other hand, you approach that resentment with curiosity rather than judgment, you might actually uncover the unmet need that's fueling it. Maybe the resentment is telling you that you're not getting enough support, or that you need more time to yourself, or that you need more time to yourself. So when we stop judging and start listening, those emotions can be really valuable signals and help us understand what is really going on. What are our deeper needs.

Marika Humphreys:

Another way that we can feel disempowered in caregiving is by neglecting ourself and our needs. In caregiving is by neglecting ourself and our needs. It is really common for caregivers to feel like their needs can take a backseat, like they're somehow less important than their loved ones. And if you find yourself doing this, it's maybe you're telling yourself I'll deal with that later or I just don't have time for me right now. But when we keep sidelining ourselves, believing that our struggles and our problems aren't as important or critical, it will wear you down, so skipping on your own wellbeing. It can feel manageable at first, but over time it will lead to burnout and resentment and emotional exhaustion. I have seen that time and time again and I experienced that myself.

Marika Humphreys:

When you don't give yourself what you need, it is like the old saying trying to pour from an empty cup. No matter how much you try, there's literally nothing left. There's nothing there to pour. So you may feel powerless or even start resenting the role that once came from a place of love and that can lead to feelings of guilt. And then it creates this nasty emotional cycle. So think for a minute about the last time you ignored your own ache, like a physical or an emotional ache. Maybe you told yourself like I'll rest once they're settled or I'll deal with my emotions once this is handled the constant putting off of your own needs. We start to feel unseen, even to ourselves. Right, and without even realizing it, we end up depleted, and that leads to us it being harder to show up as the caregiver that we actually want to be, and it's easy to believe that self-care can wait right, that our needs aren't as pressing. But the reality is, when we don't value ourselves, we won't ever take the time to have those needs met when we need them. So taking care of yourself doesn't have to mean that you're taking away from your partner. Instead, it is actually what allows you to stay stronger and more present as a caregiver and as a partner, and ignoring your own needs keeps you in the cycle of guilt and exhaustion and while, on the other hand, when you honor your own needs, it allows you to stay steady and strong and give with energy and intention, rather than from a place of depletion and disempowerment.

Marika Humphreys:

Okay, and then the last area I want to talk about today that disempowers us is lacking boundaries. This can be a huge source of disempowerment for caregivers, because, without clear limits, we tend to end up trying to meet every demand with no way to sort of protect our own time and our energy or our own wellbeing, and it's easy to feel like there's no room to say no or to step back. But that kind of feeling will lead to overwhelm and resentment and eventually burnout. When boundaries aren't set, caregivers tend to put everyone else's needs first and they tend to sacrifice their own and try to keep going, even when they're on empty. Without boundaries, there is no off switch right, no time to rest or process your emotions, and that imbalance will create a cycle where caregivers often feel powerless to say no because they've just taken on so much without a way to really protect themselves. So you kind of you just don't feel like you even have the ability or know how to say no, and I get it.

Marika Humphreys:

It is tough to set boundaries. You need to have clarity on what's important and where your limits are. And that kind of goes back to the first area about having clarity right. Because as more gets piled on which happens in caregiving we kind of just have more piled onto our plate. We will end up trying to do more and then you'll end up feeling overwhelmed and wanting to hide. But setting boundaries starts with getting clear on what you can handle and what truly matters to you. Boundaries empower caregivers by defining what they're able to give and what they need in return, and so by setting, by setting limits on time, on energy, on your emotions, caregivers can be in their role in a way that honors their own wellbeing. And that is what will allow you to show up consistently and with intention and with love, not just for your partner but for yourself.

Marika Humphreys:

So to wrap up, disempowered caregiving can stem from many places, right, it can stem from lacking clarity, holding on to things beyond your control, judging yourself for your natural emotions, neglecting your needs, not setting boundaries, and each of these traps caregivers in a cycles that drain their energy and make it hard to be the caregiver and person that they want to be. When you lack clarity, you're stuck in survival mode and just constantly reacting, losing sight of who you are and who you want to be. Trying to control everything it only will exhaust you, and often there's little to show for it. That's what's so frustrating. And when we judge our feelings and we bury our emotions instead of giving them attention, it just creates more stress, and ignoring your own needs just adds to burnout. When you don't have the boundaries, you don't have a way to set limits on what you can and can't do.

Marika Humphreys:

So breaking free of these patterns it starts with clarity. It starts with reconnecting with what matters, accepting emotions as they come, honoring your needs and setting boundaries, and those actions will help you care from a place of strength and purpose instead of burnout and resentment. So that is what I'm going to talk about in the following episodes the ways that we can become more empowered in the caregiving journey. Okay, thanks for listening today and remember building resilience. It is a journey, but each step forward, however small, empowers you to be the person that you want to be. If you want to dive deeper in this, check out my coaching program or, of course, like I said, other episodes where I'm going to share some more strategies on how to feel more empowered. Okay, I will see you next time.