In This Together: Building Resilience When Caregiving for Your Partner

35. The Transformative Power of Coaching in Caregiving

• Marika

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What if the key to managing stress and avoiding burnout lies in shifting your mindset? Join us as we unravel the transformative power of coaching, especially for caregivers navigating the ups and downs of life. Discover how coaching has reshaped my life by bringing awareness to ingrained thought patterns that once left me feeling overwhelmed. This episode promises to teach you how to recognize and shift these thoughts, empowering you to focus on what you can control—your reactions and self-care. By gaining perspective from your future self, you'll also learn how to guide yourself through challenging times with resilience and clarity.

This journey doesn't stop at personal growth; it's about embracing the natural ebb and flow of life and relationships. Understand how others' reactions are often reflections of their state of mind, freeing you from the pressure of managing their emotions. This insight has led to healthier, more fulfilling connections in my life as I've let go of the need to control others. Additionally, I share how coaching inspired my career shift, highlighting its profound impact. Curious about how coaching might benefit you? Let's connect to explore this possibility together.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Hey, caregivers and care partners out there, welcome back to the podcast. Today I wanna dive into something that has truly changed my life, and that is coaching. Now I've talked about it on this podcast, but today I wanna really dive into all the ways that coaching has made a difference for me. If you are a caregiver, like I was, you know how draining and overwhelming it can feel at times, and coaching was the tool that helped me not just survive it, but actually find joy and balance and strength through that journey, and continues to be an anchor for me really ever since I use it daily in my life. So it continues to be for me a source of grounding and strength and growth daily, and I have actually been getting a lot of coaching lately. I've gotten coaching on caregiving, my career, parenting, relationships and, of course, my business, and when I'm going through something, I know a coach will help me work through it. They will help me see things from a different perspective, often something that I cannot see on my own. So today I'm going to share what makes coaching so valuable, based on my own experience with it.

Marika Humphreys:

When I first started coaching, one of the most surprising things that I learned was how unaware I was of my own thoughts. Now it's funny because I always thought I knew what was going on in my head. I've always been a person who's been in my head a lot and I've tended to overanalyze things or overthink them. But once I began working with a coach, I realized that I was operating so much on autopilot and I had all these ingrained thoughts running the show without me even realizing it. So, for example, as a caregiver, one of the things I used to constantly think was I just have to do more. And that thought wasn't even conscious most of the time, but it was driving my behavior and really causing me to feel overwhelmed driving my behavior and really causing me to feel overwhelmed. So it was through coaching that I started noticing my thought patterns and once I became aware of them, I could choose new thoughts, like I'm doing my best and that's enough. And that was a huge shift. It lifted a weight off of my shoulders. So coaching has taught me how to pay attention to my mental chatter, especially when I'm experiencing negative emotions like overwhelm or anxiety, and I've learned to look at my thoughts and see what I'm thinking that's causing those emotions, whereas before I learned how to do this, I was just living at the effect of my thinking without actually realizing it. We all have so many ingrained thought patterns that don't serve us, but we're so used to thinking them that we can't even see what they are. Often One of those common thought patterns for a lot of people, especially when they're caregiving that I see as a coach now is some version of. They are more important than I am right now and that type of thought has most caregivers neglecting their own needs. I also had that thought running through my head at the time when I was caregiving. So through coaching I have just become very aware of my thoughts in my everyday life and it's been a huge game changer for me.

Marika Humphreys:

Another thing I've learned from coaching is how to take control of what I can as caregivers. There's so much we can't control. We can't control our partner's health, their emotions sometimes, how much we have to accomplish during the day, what the doctor says. But before coaching I was constantly trying to control those things and sometimes it was the situation we were in or how my husband was feeling or trying to protect my child, and I will tell you it did not work and I most of the time felt frustrated and then I eventually felt burnout and, through coaching, it taught me how to refocus on what is within my control, and that is me, and how I think and how I react, how I take care of myself. All of those things are within my control and I just learned how to manage myself better. So when my husband was having a really tough day, instead of getting swept up in his mood, I could remind myself I don't have to change how he feels, I can stay calm and I can offer love, and that small shift really helped me feel so much more empowered when the situation often felt chaotic.

Marika Humphreys:

So the lesson of focusing on what I can control is something that I come back to again and again, and it's so easy for us to get caught up in the things that are outside of our control. As I record this, we're in the presidential election season in the US and this has caused so many people so much angst and uncertainty. But most of politics are outside of our control. What happens in this election is outside of my control, right. So, on a smaller scale, there are always things outside of our control in daily life, at work, with our families, what other people say and do and we get focused and caught up in wanting those things to be a certain way or to be different than they are, and that is when we feel most frustrated and powerless. So the key is to refocus back on what you can control, and that's what coaching has helped me to do again and again in my life.

Marika Humphreys:

Another thing that I've learned from coaching is how to get perspective from my future self. So that may sound a little strange, but getting perspective, of course, is so useful. But before coaching, I would easily get overwhelmed and I often felt really stuck, especially when my husband was battling cancer. I just felt stuck in my life and between caregiving, raising our child, working full time. I was just trying to hold it all together and it felt like a constant uphill battle and my mind would immediately go to I can't get through this, I can't continue like this, or it's just all too much. So through coaching, I learned how to tap into a powerful tool, which is my future self. Now stay with me here.

Marika Humphreys:

One of the things that I was introduced to in coaching is how to think from your future self and ask her what would she tell me to do in this moment? What would she remind me? That is truly important, and what that does is it allows us to access our inner wisdom, because we all have it, but sometimes it gets so buried under the weight of our daily struggles that we don't have the ability to access it. And coaching has helped me learn how to access that wisdom and I can get some clarity and perspective when I need it most. So now, when I face challenges whether it is navigating through the challenges of being a parent of a teenager or managing my business, or challenges in my relationships I often will look to my future self and I remind myself that this difficult moment won't last forever. And then I ask my future self for guidance and often I will tell you her advice is simple but powerful, and it comes down to take a deep breath, focus on the very next step and trust that you'll get through this Trust in yourself. So this strategy I do also use with my clients. I often have them consult their future selves and it's been a game changer. It can help you find calm in the chaos and it reminds all of us that we have strength and wisdom within us to keep going, even when we don't feel like it in the moment. So, no matter how things are. Your future self, who has been through it, has the wisdom. Talk to her, ask her what she would tell you for this present moment.

Marika Humphreys:

Another thing that I've learned from coaching is how to untangle from my partner's emotions. So one of the hardest things for me when I was caregiving was separating my emotions from my husband, and as caregivers it is easy to get wrapped up in what they're feeling, right, what our loved one is feeling. If they're anxious, we're anxious, right. If they're having a bad day, we're having a bad day. And I lived like that for so long, feeling I was like on this constant emotional rollercoaster.

Marika Humphreys:

But it was through coaching that I learned how to untangle myself from that, and one of the things I learned is that all emotions are okay and they're just simply part of the human experience. We are going to have good emotions and bad emotions, and it's only when we judge them or fear them that we make it worse for ourselves. And then, secondly, I also learned that I didn't need to fix my husband's emotions, nor could I. He was in charge of his own emotions, just like I was in charge of mine, and I could still be compassionate and supportive without letting his emotions dictate my own. So if he was upset I could remind myself this is just where he is right now and I can stay grounded in my own feelings. And it didn't mean that I wasn't immune to his feelings, but I was just no longer at the mercy of them because I could separate myself and that allowed me to be so much more calm and loving instead of anxious and on edge. And that lesson what I learned during caregiving. I'm no longer caregiving but to this day I have learned and I consistently use the ability to separate or untangle myself from another person's emotions. And sometimes it's not always easy to do, but it is so, so powerful because we are the only ones in charge of our emotions. And kind of to pile onto that, I just learned through coaching I learned so much more about emotions and how to understand them.

Marika Humphreys:

I didn't really understand my own emotions before I was introduced to coaching. I didn't understand what caused them and often I wasn't even really aware of what emotions I was feeling. I was used to being in my head and the emotions that I experienced when my husband got cancer. That's when I, probably for the first time, on a consistent basis, felt very overwhelmed with the emotions I was feeling because there were so many ups and downs in his cancer battle. So coaching was so helpful for me to understand what emotions are and that there are no good emotions or bad emotions. They're all just emotions and they're just part of being human.

Marika Humphreys:

And emotions are caused by our thoughts. I never really realized that before and they don't mean anything about us. Think about it. Sometimes we have a feeling or we think a certain thing and we feel like we're a bad person for even feeling that way or thinking that way. So if we feel guilty about something, it's simply because we're having a thought that's causing the feeling of guilt, and that thought may or may not even be true. It's just a thought. It doesn't mean we're a bad person. So learning to separate the experience of an emotion from my self-worth essentially is what that deeper understanding of emotions has given me, and I've learned how to recognize how emotions feel in my body.

Marika Humphreys:

I didn't ever know or realize that there is a physical experience of an emotion, and now I understand that all emotions have a physical. We will feel them in a physical way in our body. So I often use the example of anxiety because for me that was a big one when I felt anxious. Before I didn't actually know what was happening in my body, but I just knew that I couldn't focus and I would often get derailed. In my day I just felt like I couldn't concentrate. But now when I feel anxious, instead of getting derailed, I know how it feels and it's a vibration in my stomach and I recognize it immediately because I'm very tuned into that experience, that physical sensation, and I tell myself, okay, that's just anxiety, I know what it is and I know it will pass if I relax and I just let it be there. I don't fight against it, I don't try to escape it, I just see it for what it is. It's this vibration in my stomach. So that has been huge for me. Once you understand your emotions, they lose some of their power over you, right? You stop being scared of them because they become something that you can handle so much more, so much better.

Marika Humphreys:

Another thing from coaching that has impacted my life tremendously is that realizing what other people say and do is about them and it's not about me. Now, this is one of the biggest light bulbs for me in coaching, because I used to take things very personally If someone said something hurtful or acted in a way that felt dismissive, I would immediately think it was a reflection of me. Maybe I wasn't doing enough or I had somehow upset them. But through coaching I have learned a very powerful truth what other people say and do is about them, their thoughts, their emotions and what they are going through. It is not about me. So when someone now reacts negatively or says something unkind, it is just for all of us. It's very easy to assume it's because of something that we did or something we said, and I used to spend so much time replaying conversations in my head or thinking what did I do wrong or how could I have said that better?

Marika Humphreys:

But coaching that has helped me to understand that it is what people say and people do and their reactions are a reflection of their state of mind, not a judgment on me. Their state of mind, not a judgment on me. So if a coworker was sort of short with me or my husband seemed distant, my first thought used to be oh, they must be upset. But when I started to grasp this idea that their people's behavior comes from their thoughts and their emotions, I was able to step back and kind of put myself in their shoes. Maybe they're stressed about something completely unrelated, maybe they're tired or maybe they're overwhelmed. Right, people are having their own struggles in their own life. We are all in our own heads. Most of the time in fact, all the time it's not about us, it's about them, and it's such a freeing realization to have that, and that shift has really helped me to let go of unnecessary guilt.

Marika Humphreys:

I no longer feel responsible for fixing other people's emotions or making sure everyone around me is happy, because I have learned to focus on what I can control, which is my own thoughts and reactions, and instead of trying to manage the emotional and the emotions of everyone else and that has lifted just a huge burden off of my shoulders, especially in family dynamics or close relationships. When you stop personalizing every comment or action, it's just like a weight lifts. You realize that everyone is living through their own internal world, shaped by their own thoughts and experiences, and their reactions about what they're thinking and feeling in that moment are not about you and how you showed up. It's about them. When I say this, it doesn't mean that I don't care about the people in my life. It just means that I can show up for them with more compassion and less pressure when I'm not taking responsibility for their emotional state. That was especially true of my husband, but it's true even to this day when I think about my teenager and their struggles, or other people in my life that I love and their struggles. When I don't take responsibility for their emotional state, I'm able to show up with more compassion and love. And in caregiving, that was really important and I will say, if you're a caregiver now that this is so important when emotions run high and stress is frequent, it is easy to misinterpret people's words and actions, but when you can remind yourself that their reactions are about them, it can help you keep your own peace and show up with more patience. Instead of getting caught up in their emotions, you can support them without absorbing their frustration or stress. So, ultimately, understanding that other people's behavior is about them has given me a huge sense of freedom. I don't take responsibility for other people's feelings or reactions. It's not my job to make sure they're happy or they're calm. That's only something that they can do for themselves. And this doesn't mean that I'm not responsible for my own words or actions and how that might contribute to another person's feelings, because obviously, what we do and how we show up does influence other people. But I would say I think it's actually easier to take responsibility for how I show up now because I don't make it mean something about my worth. It actually lifts the weight and it's easier to take responsibility if I said something that maybe came off wrong, and it's easier to see that now and take responsibility for it than it was before when I felt responsible for other people's emotions. And to kind of pile onto this theme really about relationships, coaching has helped me find freedom in my relationships because of what I've learned through coaching.

Marika Humphreys:

I used to feel like I needed the people around me to behave in a certain way in order for me to feel okay. So that could have been my husband, my child, even friends me to feel okay. So that could have been my husband, my child, even friends and sometimes coworkers, family members sometimes, and I would unknowingly try to control their actions so I could feel better. I did this especially with my husband. But now I understand that they don't have to be a certain way, they don't have to act a certain way in order for me to be at peace, be a certain way. They don't have to act a certain way in order for me to be at peace. I don't need their mood or behavior to align with my expectations in order for me to be okay, and that has made my relationships, now especially, so much richer and less stressful, because I'm not trying to manage or control everything and everyone around me. I can just show up, I can be present and I can let people be who they are, without it dictating my emotions. It's brought me more peace and definitely more harmony into my life, because I'm not wasting energy trying to fix things that I can't control. So I'm instead much more focused on what I control my thoughts, my reactions, how I choose to show up. And this does take work, I will say, and it is not always easy, but it's just so much better. So learning that I'm responsible for my own emotions has been one of the most empowering lessons in my life, I would say, and it's allowed me to create stronger, healthier relationships. It's allowed me to be open and vulnerable with people that I care about, which has created so much deeper and more meaningful connections, because I decide how I want to show up, regardless of how they are being, because it's about me, right, it's about who I want to be. And then the last one I want to talk about here that coaching has really brought to my life.

Marika Humphreys:

This big lesson that I have learned is that life is 50-50. There will always be good days and always be bad days. There will always be joy and there will be sorrow. There is sometimes things are easy and sometimes things are a struggle. And I used to think and I think it was unconscious more than anything, but I used to think that I needed to somehow reach this perfect state where everything would be fine and smooth and everything would be under control and life would be fine all the time. But that is not how life works. I mean, we know that intellectually, all of us know that life doesn't work that way, but I think subconsciously we want it to. And so when you're caregiving, you're very confronted with the negative 50 part of life.

Marika Humphreys:

Caring for a loved one can bring a lot of uncertainty and emotional ups and downs. There are moments of exhaustion, of frustration. You're sad sometimes, but there's also moments in there of deep connection, of gratitude, of love and being able to accept that life is always a mix of both. You stop fighting so hard against the tough days, right? It's easier to allow yourself to have bad days because there are also good days, and instead of feeling like something was wrong when things got difficult, I just started to see it as more of the ebb and flow of life. Like this is just part of the journey, and I know that sounds a little cliche, but it is one thing to say it. It's another thing to really understand it.

Marika Humphreys:

I was, several years ago, wrote an article called some days are just going to suck and that's okay. It's okay to have those crappy days, and in caregiving I get that there are a lot of crappy days, sometimes in a row. That is true. It's not always a balanced day to day, but there is always a balance in there. There is always joy in the sorrow, there is always love in the sadness. You have to look for the beautiful moments, but when you realize that life always has both they're in there, and when we stop resisting the challenges in our life, we open ourselves up to fully experiencing life as it is.

Marika Humphreys:

And so I'm more able to embrace the tough days, knowing that they don't mean that I'm failing in my life or that things are always going to be hard. And I'll admit, I definitely have moments when I think that way, but I do have to pull myself out of it because I know that's not true and I understand now very profoundly that all of the ups and downs are just part of the balance in life. Along with the tough days come the beautiful moments moments of laughter, of connection, quiet moments. So this shift in perspective has really made it easier for me to be happy day to day, because I'm not striving for this unrealistic idea of a perfect life or believing that when things are bad that it's wrong. I recognize that when things are bad, that's just part of life, and it has allowed me to let go of the pressure and be more present and in the moment, even when that moment is a hard one, but also sometimes that moment is a joyful one. Life becomes more manageable because I'm not constantly struggling against it. So I'm more able now to find peace, knowing that, no matter what tough days will pass, and also so will the good days. Together, it's the good days and the bad days that make up our human life and that's what makes it rich and fulfilling and ultimately worth living.

Marika Humphreys:

So, to wrap up, these are just a few of the lessons and the ways that coaching has really changed my life, from noticing my thoughts to understanding my emotions, coaching has helped me become more resilient, more present, more empowered. So bringing it back to you. If you are feeling overwhelmed or stuck or like you're constantly reacting to life or your situation, this is where I just want to invite you to check out coaching. Consider coaching I would be so coach and if you are interested in finding out what that looks like, then set up a call with me and we will just talk about how coaching might be able to help you through what you're struggling with.

Marika Humphreys:

So coaching has changed my life and I love it dearly, and it's why I do what I do now in my life, when I used to have a very different career, but I wanted to just share with you some of the ways that it has profoundly affected me in both in the past and continues to be a part of my life day in and day out. All right, so that is what I've got for you today. Schedule a call with me. If you're interested in learning more about coaching, I would love to talk with you. All right, everybody, I'll see you next week.