In This Together: Building Resilience When Caregiving for Your Partner

32. Spiritual Resilience in Caregiving

• Marika • Season 1 • Episode 32

Share episode

Send us a text

Spiritual resilience might seem a bit abstract, but it’s incredibly important for caregivers. It’s about staying connected to yourself and finding meaning in the midst of caregiving. In this podcast, I explore how nurturing your spirit can make a world of difference.

I dive into why maintaining a mindset that you are important is crucial. Many caregivers, especially women, tend to put their own needs last, but you need to believe that your journey and well-being matter. Next, I talk about the importance of staying connected to who you are—understanding your values, what brings you joy, and your purpose. It’s easy to lose sight of this as caregiving becomes all-consuming, but reconnecting with your true self helps you stay grounded.

We also cover how having something that gives you joy, like a hobby or a personal goal, can uplift your spirit. Plus, I discuss the importance of fulfilling relationships and staying authentic and vulnerable with those around you.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Welcome back caregivers. This is the final episode in my four-part series on building resilience as a caregiver, because caregiving can take a toll on all areas of our lives, which is why it is so important to strengthen our resilience across the board, and I talk about that in terms of having mental resilience, emotional resilience, physical resilience and spiritual resilience. We've already covered mental and emotional and physical resilience in previous episodes, so you can go back and listen to any of those. So now it's time to dive into spiritual resilience, and in some ways, I feel like spiritual resilience is the most intangible of the bunch. But from my own experience and working with other caregivers, I've found that having a strong connection to both ourselves and the world around us makes a huge difference in how we handle the challenges of caregiving. When we nurture our spirit and find meaning in our own lives, it actually gives us more energy to care for other people, to care for our loved ones, and on the flip side of that, when we are disconnected from that deeper part of ourselves, it's draining both emotionally and physically. So it is easy, I think, to lose touch with ourselves when our focus is so intensely on our partner, and I know this firsthand when I was caring for my husband this firsthand. When I was caring for my husband, so much of my time and my energy went into his needs doctor's appointments, we had treatment decisions and just being there for him. This was a major. He was battling cancer and that was huge. So some of that was obviously necessary, of course, but over time I started to feel really disconnected from my own life and it was like I wasn't living for me anymore and that just took a toll on me, on my spirit.

Marika Humphreys:

I think Caregiving can also put a strain on our relationships too, and sometimes that is a difference in how your relationship evolves with your partner, but it could be other people in your life. The dynamics can shift and that can be really tough to navigate. I've seen caregivers become more isolated. Sometimes it's harder just to see people because of logistics, but other times it can be like that you feel your friends just can't relate to what you're going through, so it just feels even hard to see them as much and that leaves people feeling disconnected, disconnected from your support system. And all of these things our relationship with ourselves, our relationship with others and our connection to our own life are what feed our spirit. They give our life meaning, and that meaning is what sustains us through the ups and downs of caregiving.

Marika Humphreys:

When we are spiritually resilient, we have the energy and the inner strength to keep going, even when things get tough. So that's what we're going to dive into today, and I'm going to start with defining what I mean when I say spiritual resilience. That is having a strong connection to yourself and the world around you, so that your life has meaning, and it means valuing yourself in your own life journey. It means having something that you do just for you. It means having a purpose and knowing your why, and it means having relationships that are fulfilling. Now, you don't need to have all of those things, I think, in order to be resilient in this area. And also, resilience isn't something you either have or you don't have, right, it's more about varying degrees of resilience. But I'm going to dive into all of these aspects more in depth in a moment, but first I want to give you an example of two fictional caregivers, one who is strong in this area and one who isn't, just to illustrate how this can make a difference when we're caregiving.

Marika Humphreys:

So Mary has slowly become disconnected from herself over the years that she has been her husband's caregiver. She used to love playing pickleball, but it became too hard to be away from him so she stopped. Her relationship with her husband has also changed. They used to go out together all the time, but now that's not possible and they don't really do anything as a couple anymore, and sometimes she feels more like she's just his nurse than his wife, and that connection that they once had isn't there as much. She also had a close group of friends she used to spend time with, but keeping up just got really tough. So now it's mostly just an occasional phone call, and lately Mary has been feeling stuck and lonely, and while she's starting to feel resentful about her situation, she pushes those feelings down because she feels guilty about it.

Marika Humphreys:

Now on the other side is Marianne, who is also her husband's caregiver and has been for several years now, and like Mary, she had to give up an activity she loved, which was dancing. But instead of letting that stop her, she found a new hobby. Now she paints at home and even has taken some online classes to keep learning. She and her husband had to get creative with how they spent time together. So they used to go out with friends a lot, but now they watch movies or play games inside and they also make an effort to talk and connect just beyond his illness. And in some ways Marianne feels like their relationship has actually grown stronger. She still makes time to meet up with friends at least once a month and talks to them frequently, and she's working towards a long-term dream of hers, which is to become a yoga instructor.

Marika Humphreys:

So, for Marianne, caregiving has its tough moments. So, for Marianne, caregiving has its tough moments, but she believes they'll get through it together and that mindset keeps her grounded. So again, these are fictional situations and fictional people. The names are just names I pulled out of my head, but they are based in truth, based in my own experience, based on that of my clients, and you can see that the difference between Mary and Mary Ann is how connected they have stayed to themselves and their lives. Mary, over time, has just lost herself in caregiving, and I'm sure that it probably felt very necessary at first, but it left her feeling unhappy and resentful. And Marianne, on the other hand, has made adjustments to her life as a caregiver and she hasn't stopped living. She found a hobby she could do at home. She worked with her husband to create new ways to spend time together and she has stayed connected to her friends and, plus, she has a personal goal she's working towards. So that is why, despite the challenges, she has stayed positive and resilient. So I think that's a really good way of encapsulating what spiritual resilience looks like when we're caregiving. But again, those are just made up examples.

Marika Humphreys:

So I want to break it down for you a little bit more and talk about what I think of as the components of spiritual resilience and how they can make a big difference when you're caregiving. And the first one is mindset. It's a knowing, a mindset that you as an individual matter, and it's about believing that your own journey and wellbeing are just as important as anyone else's. I have found, especially with women, that there is often this tendency to put everyone else first, to kind of subjugate their own needs in favor of taking care of others. And when they become caregivers that tendency can go into overdrive. They end up thinking that their own needs and their own life journey are just less important, especially when someone they need or someone they love is in need. So they ignore themselves and put discovered. I was doing it in my own journey. I really kind of found that I just was devaluing my own needs and I really had to realize first that my own journey was also important, even while my husband was battling cancer. So an essential part of building your spiritual resilience is challenging the belief that your own journey isn't important. Right now you have to start with the mindset that your needs matter too.

Marika Humphreys:

And another component of spiritual resilience is a strong connection to yourself, which means knowing yourself, who you are, what you value and what you want. You would be surprised at how many people lose sight of this, especially as they get older. We stop asking ourselves those big questions like who am I, what do I really want? And it's like we think we're already formed and that it's all been decided. But just because you're not 20 anymore, it doesn't mean you stop evolving. And as a caregiver, I think we're faced with a new challenge to evolve, to evolve to the next phase of our life, and so it's even more important to reconnect with yourself during this time, and that includes how you see yourself, your self concept or the mental image of who you are, and knowing what's important to you as an individual. What do you value, what do you want to be, not just as a caregiver. But in all your roles, who do you want to be as a spouse, as a parent, as a friend? Who do you want to be as a spouse, as a parent, as a friend? Who do you want to be for you? So those are all part of reconnecting to yourself.

Marika Humphreys:

Another component is having something that gives you joy, and this is just about doing something that's just for you. It can be a hobby like gardening or painting, or it could be a gym class or a weekly walk. Whatever it is, it doesn't have to be big. You need something in your life that is not caregiving and not work. It's something just for you or your own enjoyment. That is a key to spiritual resilience. These are the things that fill us up, that give us energy. Right, it's that little spark, that thing you look forward to, that reminds me of you, that helps you stay connected to what you want in your own life, what you care about, what you find exciting.

Marika Humphreys:

Right, let's talk about purpose, connection to a purpose. Now, purpose. When I say that word, it may feel big or grand, but I think it might be simpler or easier to think of it as rediscovering your why, why does any of this matter? We all have values, things that are important to us, and when you're caregiving, it's essential to reconnect with those values because they shape our actions. Our values are essentially our why? Why do we do the things we do? It's because of what we value.

Marika Humphreys:

You may have heard people talk about kind of being out of alignment, and I always find that a little vague. What does that actually mean? Well, that's really what happens when you're doing things that don't line up with your values. That's what it means to be out of alignment, and I think over time we lose sight of what our values even are. They may shift as our life changes and we haven't taken time to reconnect with those. I think that absolutely happens. When we're caregiving, our values can shift a little bit. What we think is most important changes because of what we're going through. That's one of the gifts I think that caregiving gives. So connecting to your purpose is important. Just getting back to what's truly important to you Having fulfilling relationships is a huge part of spiritual resilience.

Marika Humphreys:

We humans are social creatures and we need to have meaningful connections with others, and caregiving can change the dynamics of those relationships. It happens to almost every client I've ever worked with and sometimes those changes are subtle and then just one day you wake up thinking what happened? We used to be so close. So you have to be mindful of what is getting in the way of your relationships and then take steps to adjust. And this is something I always spend time on with my clients, figuring out what is blocking their connection with others, whether that's their partner or their friends or other people in their life. And another piece of this is allowing yourself to be authentic and vulnerable.

Marika Humphreys:

Caregiving can sometimes complicate that, especially with our partner. Many caregivers stop opening up to their partners because they don't want to upset them or add to their burden. And it comes from a well-meaning place, right, we love them, we want to protect them, but it usually leads to disconnection over time. I have told the story of one of my clients that she talked about having a cancer filter. When she talked to her husband, she just stopped sharing what was going on for her and she happened to be having some of her own health challenges which were quite scary, and she didn't talk to him about it because she didn't want to burden him and he was recovering from surgery. But he was always her emotional rock and support system and even though he was going through a major thing in his own life, he still was her husband and he still wanted to be that for her. So she started opening up to him more and they ended up becoming closer than they ever had been through being open and vulnerable with each other, because when you do that with your partner, you also provide an opportunity for them to do that with you as well.

Marika Humphreys:

Okay, so to summarize, the five components of spiritual resilience are mindset, connection to yourself, something that gives you joy, connection to your purpose and having fulfilling relationships. All of those things help to fill your cup, to give your life meaning and purpose, and sustain you through the ups and downs of caregiving. That is why they're all part of what I call spiritual resilience. So to wrap up, let's talk about the difference having spiritual resilience makes when you're a caregiver. I think one of the biggest things is it helps you keep perspective. Spiritual resilience helps you keep perspective your whole story in perspective.

Marika Humphreys:

When you're caught up in the everyday demands of caregiving, it is very easy to get overwhelmed and forget about the bigger picture. But when you stay connected to something bigger, whether it's a belief, nature or just your own sense of purpose. It helps you get through those tough moments In caregiving. Having that perspective reminds you that there is more to life than just the stress and the circumstance of what you're dealing with, and it helps you recharge and avoid burnout because you're not stuck in the grind, right? You remember that you matter too and that there's still meaning in life outside of caregiving. So keeping the bigger picture in mind, I think, brings a sense of calm and allows you to be kinder to yourself and others, even when it's really hard. I think it also helps you keep you from feeling isolated. Spiritual resilience helps keep you from feeling lonely because it reminds you that you're not alone in this right. Caregiving can be a lonely and sometimes isolating journey, and especially it feels like that when no one else really understands what you're going through. But when you tap into your spiritual side whether that's connecting with a community or with your faith or for me a lot of times it's just being in nature it helps you feel a part of something bigger.

Marika Humphreys:

A couple weeks ago I went camping for the first time in a long time. One of the things I love about camping is sitting by the fire, but we were camping during a time when they had a fire ban and I was so disappointed. This is Washington, right? So a lot of times we have overcast skies, but this first night what we got there and we couldn't have a fire, which we knew in advance, so it wasn't that big a deal, but what it meant was we just sat out under the stars and it was a clear night and we just looked up at the stars for like an hour and I had forgotten what the stars looked like, because, again, I'm in Washington and I live in a city now, so there's a lot of light pollution, and one of the things that I love about looking up at the stars is I feel like it puts my human life and my challenges in perspective and it feels like a proper perspective. It's almost like reminding me of my proper place in the universe and that's comforting to me. So it's helpful to have something, some way, to remind you of the bigger picture, right? Spiritual resilience helps you do that.

Marika Humphreys:

You don't necessarily need to be physically with people, but when you are with people, it's about feeling connected to them on a deeper level, because we start realizing that we're not the only ones going through tough times and that all human beings struggle with something and that a shared experience even if you only recognize that in your own mind it makes a big difference right, the human condition is. Part of that is struggle, and that can give comfort and remind you that none of us are alone and isolated in this world. Even if it sometimes feels like caregiving pulls you away from people, staying spiritually connected can also help you reach out to those people when you do need support right and keep the loneliness from creeping in. You need support right and keep the loneliness from creeping in. Another thing I think it helps with is it helps you maintain your energy over time and we did a whole podcast on physical resilience which was about maintaining your energy. But spiritual resilience also helps you maintain your energy because it keeps you grounded and focused on what really matters.

Marika Humphreys:

Caregiving can be so exhausting, both physically and mentally and emotionally, and if you're not careful it can drain you completely. But when you have a strong spiritual foundation whether that's through mindfulness or being in nature or your own faith or just finding meaning in the day-to-day, that refuels you in a different way. It's like when you're tapped into something bigger than the daily grind. It helps you pass through the tough times out being totally wiped out. So you're not just running on empty, because you're feeding your spirit in some way. Not just your body and mind, your spirit needs to be filled up too, and this connection to something meaningful gives you a deeper sense of purpose, and that contributes to having energy. So, instead of feeling like you're constantly just trying to survive the day, spiritual resilience helps you feel more at peace and steady, even when things are hard, and that is what can help you keep going for the long haul.

Marika Humphreys:

Another part of that that's kind of in the same vein is I think spiritual resilience also helps you stay grounded when things are hard, because you have that perspective and that stability. When you're caregiving, things can feel overwhelming and out of control and it's easy to feel like you're drowning in your responsibilities or in all that you have going on. But when you're connected to something bigger, it gives you a more solid foundation to stand on. So I think it helps you find a sense of enoughness. Even when life is far from perfect, you realize that it's easier to give yourself grace and understand that you're doing the best you can and that is enough. You don't need to be perfect for everyone and everything that's going on and have everything going according to plan, sufficiency, that sense of I'm okay or we're okay. Even though this is hard, we'll get through us. That is what keeps us grounded and it keeps us from spiraling into stress or feeling like we're constantly failing. Spiritual resilience helps remind us that we're handling things the best we can and that's all any of us can do. And, lastly, I think it helps.

Marika Humphreys:

Our spiritual resilience helps us live authentically. I talked about this again. Us live authentically. I talked about this again. Authentic is sometimes a term that I've thrown around a lot, but it's also really appropriate here, because authentic what I mean when I talk about that is doing things in a way that's right for you, focusing on what's important for you, not what others expect or what you think you should do, because caregiving often comes with a lot of pressure to do things a certain way. Sometimes that is pressure from society or from our family, or even just the voice in our own head telling us what we should be doing. But when you're grounded in your own values, connected to what matters most to you, it's easier to make choices that are true for you, even if they don't line up with what others think about what you should be doing, or old thinking for yourself, old judgment, old programming about what you should be doing.

Marika Humphreys:

Brene Brown has a great quote about authenticity. She says authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we're supposed to be and embracing who we are. And she just goes on to talk about living authentically. And I will just adapt this to caregiving means accepting that you're not perfect and that it's okay. It means setting boundaries and being able to ask for help, and it's about having the courage to be vulnerable, to admit that things are hard and to do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your loved ones, even if that looks different from what people expect. That is real spiritual resilience Staying true to yourself given your own situation.

Marika Humphreys:

Okay, so that sums up my four part series on resilience mental resilience, emotional resilience, physical resilience and spiritual resilience. All are important, and I find that people tend to be stronger in one area than the other. So when you work with me, we focus on the areas that you need to build up right and then also maintaining the areas where you're already strong. Both are important, but all of those components go into having caregiving experience that doesn't burn you out, that doesn't leave you depleted. You can have that, that is possible, but it does take a shift in perspective.

Marika Humphreys:

I think it takes learning new tools. It takes thinking about your own journey in a different way. It takes adapting to the changing environment, to the changing needs, to changing relationships, all the things I've talked about here. Caregiving takes an adjustment in our life and the more conscious you are of that and the more willing you are to embrace it, the more you're going to be able to just adapt to this new period of your life, whatever it looks like, and still continue to have your own life journey and a life that's fulfilling for you. So, if anything, I just want to leave you with the message that that is possible and entirely doable and available to all of us. All right, my friends, I will see you next.