In This Together: Building Resilience When Caregiving for Your Partner

13. Building Resilience Through Borrowed Beliefs in Life and Caregiving

• Marika • Season 1 • Episode 13

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In this episode, I'm excited to share a fantastic hack for overcoming negative thinking: borrowing helpful beliefs from others. It might sound a bit unusual, but let me explain why it works and how it can be a game-changer for resilience, both in daily life and in caregiving.

A belief is essentially a thought we've had repeatedly until it feels true. Sometimes, we hold onto unhelpful beliefs simply because they've been with us for so long. But the great news is that we have the power to change how we think. It's all about being mindful and intentional with our thoughts.

Beliefs can be like tools—you can borrow them to make your life easier without needing to return them. For example, I used to view running as a chore until a friend described it as self-care, which completely shifted my perspective. Similarly, you can adopt thoughts that serve you better.

I'll also share some research from Cornell University that shows 85% of what we worry about never happens, and even when it does, we handle it better than expected. This shows us that much of our worry is unnecessary and unhelpful.

Throughout the episode, I emphasize the importance of being aware of your thoughts and choosing those that help rather than hinder. By trying on new beliefs, you can find ones that feel true and supportive, making your journey through challenging times much more manageable.

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References:
Borkovec, Thomas & Hazlett-Stevens, Holly & Diaz, M.L.. (1999). The Role of Positive Beliefs about Worry in Generalized Anxiety Disorder and its Treatment. Clinical Psychology & Psychotherapy. 6. 126 - 138. 10.1002/(SICI)1099-0879(199905)6:2<126::AID-CPP193>3.0.CO;2-M.

As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.

Marika Humphreys:

Hey caregivers and care partners out there, how are you? How have you been this last week? Has it been a rough week or just kind of same old, same old? I really do wanna know. I want to know what you're struggling with. Perhaps you're struggling with something that has nothing to do with being a caregiver, and I'd love to hear that too. Often, some of the things that stress us in our lives are not directly related to caregiving, but because they drain our energy, it's important to know. So tell me how you are and what you're struggling with right now, and you can send that to me in an email, marika, at coachmarikacom, and that will help me to shape future episodes. So, yes, please tell me how you are doing.

Marika Humphreys:

All right, let's dive into today's episode. What I'm going to talk about today is a super cool little hack that you can use to shift out of negative thinking, and that is to borrow helpful beliefs from someone else and take them as your own, and it's pretty much exactly what it sounds like You're simply borrowing someone else's beliefs, but why you would actually want to do this and why it works does take a little explaining to make sense. So today I'm going to explain what a belief is and why it matters so much to being resilient, just in life in general, but also in caregiving. And then I'll share how you can actually borrow someone else's beliefs and use them for difficult situations or just use them in your life in general. Just like you might borrow a special pan for baking, for example, or you might borrow a tool, you can borrow a belief and you don't even have to give it back. So that's the best part.

Marika Humphreys:

Today I'm going to use the term belief and thought interchangeably. But to just get real clear, belief is just a thought that we've had for a long time. It becomes a way of thinking that we've thought for a long time, and often it's something that just feels true or just feels natural. But that's only because we've thought it for a long time. So it's something that you probably don't even know or question. So oftentimes our beliefs can be settled, begin because we take them for granted that they're true. But, just like all of our thoughts, just because we think them, and sometimes they feel true, doesn't mean they are. And that's something I've talked about quite a bit, about noticing our thoughts. And just because we have a thought doesn't mean it's true. And I will continue to talk about it, because being aware of your thinking is a key step to building resiliency, and the reason for that is because how we think is something that we do have authority over.

Marika Humphreys:

We can actually decide how we want to think in any situation. It's pretty awesome, actually, we can literally decide what we want to think, but it doesn't always mean that that's super easy to do. It is doable. That is why I'm going to teach you a little hack of borrowing thoughts. It's just a cool little trick, and the reason that we might want to borrow someone else's thoughts is because often our thinking is just negative. We're really good at thinking negative thoughts. We're really good at worrying about things, for example. Okay, so this is just a little aside, but it proves my point that we're good at worrying about things or being negative.

Marika Humphreys:

Cornell University actually did a study of how often the things that we worry about actually happen, and they found that 85% of what people worry about never happens. Isn't that crazy? 85% never happens. That's the stuff that we worry about. 85% of the time never happens. And then they also found that, of the 15% of the worries that actually came true, 79% of the time people handled the problems better than they thought they would. So I don't know all the details of that study, but I had this experience just the other day in my own life. I was worried about an upcoming appointment. I was worried about a specific thing about this appointment and had the appointment and what I was worried about was not even a big deal, didn't even happen.

Marika Humphreys:

So that's just a little example, but I bet if you start paying attention to things you worry about and then how often they come to pass, you will probably see this in your own life. So really it is just a really great example that proves that a lot of the ways we think, when we let our brain sort of run wild and go unmonitored, it's just really unhelpful. We can ruminate on things that happened in the past or we worry about things that might happen in the future. All of it can just drain our energy and make things just harder than they need to be. So when it comes to beliefs and remember those are just the thoughts that we've had for a long time A lot of those can be really unhelpful, especially when we're facing the challenges of being a caregiver or a care partner, and I want to give you an example of that. Actually, an example that's not from caregiving but from parenting.

Marika Humphreys:

And let's say your child is really struggling in school and you have the belief that you need to get good grades in school in order to have a happy life and be successful. But if your child is really struggling, you're just going to feel extra awful about their struggle because of that belief, because in your mind you're thinking well, this is just necessary for them to have happiness. Right, good grades equate happiness. But you could easily go into the world and find many successful people who struggled in school. There are actually quite a few famous people who didn't do well in school or dropped out of school. Walt Disney apparently really struggled in school. When I Googled this, his name came up, which was one that I hadn't heard. But just in the regular world also, there are many people who are high functioning, happy adults. And I know this because I've recently asked some of my friends who I was surprised to find, really struggled in school.

Marika Humphreys:

And my point is that just because we believe it right and maybe we've believed it for a long time it doesn't actually mean it's true and believing that our child needs good grades in order to have happiness in life can create just a lot of unnecessary pressure. It might cause you to parent in a certain way, maybe put pressure on your child unnecessarily, maybe strain the relationship. So I use this example because this is one that I really had to work through a few years ago. It was just a belief that I sort of had and grew up thinking and never really questioned until I found that it was just really unhelpful to my parenting when my child was struggling. So my point here is that how we think isn't always helpful and often we create a lot more stress for ourselves than we need to. So how we think and how our ability to manage our mind when we're a caregiver is super important and it can literally make the difference between feeling burned out and hopeless and miserable or full of anxiety all the time, to feeling generally positive, hopeful, optimistic, resilient, right. So when your internal chatter is really negative or fearful, maybe full of worry, it can be useful to borrow someone else's beliefs instead. To explain what I mean by borrowing a belief, I want to give you an example.

Marika Humphreys:

I started running maybe about eight months ago now, and I mostly just wanted to get my heart a little bit stronger shape and a friend of mine has been running regularly for I don't know couple of years and he runs a lot farther than I do, and so when we would talk about running, I always found it interesting the way he would talk about it. For me, running has always felt a little bit like a chore, and so, talking to my friend, he views running as a form of self-care because for him, put his work first and his family first, and now that his kids are grown and they're out of the house and his career is established, he has time to focus more on having a little more balance in his life and prioritizing exercise in a way that he never really did before. So as he was talking about it, he just was saying for him, running is like his form of self-care. And I thought to myself oh my gosh, that's crazy. I don't think of running like that at all.

Marika Humphreys:

But the other day, when I was out for a run and it felt a little bit like a struggle, our conversation popped into my head and it occurred to me what if I thought of this as self-care? And just the idea of that totally changed my focus in the moment. Right, instead of forcing myself to suffer through something. I thought this is me focusing on my health and getting strong, and that is a form of self-care, and it completely shifted my mindset. So that is what I mean by borrowing beliefs. It's simply taking powerful thoughts from someone else and using them in your own life, and the only caveat is that you have to find some truth in the thought, meaning it has to be something that you can see truth of. So in my example, I could see how I could view running as a form of self-care. It might not be something that occurred to me my own and it was a bit of a stretch for me to think of it that way, but it wasn't a huge stretch. It made sense to me that by running something I was choosing to do reasons I wanted to do it was to strengthen my heart, which is a way of taking care of myself and putting my health first in my life, right.

Marika Humphreys:

So in order to borrow a thought and have it work for you, you have to see some truth in it. It has to be something that feels plausible or possible. If it feels impossible or totally fake possible. If it feels impossible or totally fake it won't be something that you'll be able to adopt very easily. So again, just a thought that you want to borrow needs to feel true to you in some way or plausible. So what I'd like to do now is give you some beliefs that I have used in the past, that I use currently sometimes I use with some clients, that you may want to borrow, and I would encourage you just to think about borrowing a thought, like trying on an outfit, just see how it fits, just try it out a little bit. Okay, so some beliefs that you may want to borrow.

Marika Humphreys:

The first one is this is just where we are right now, or this is just where they are right now. I have used that sentence many times in various situations in the last gosh five, seven years. I used it a lot when my husband was going through a particularly difficult treatment period and he was just in a lot of discomfort and pain and it was hard to see him suffer. So, kind of reminding myself this is just where he is right now. It really helped me to stay present and it also reminded me that this wouldn't go on forever. Now I have also used this sentence more recently with the ups and downs of raising a teenager and seeing them struggle. So, again, this is just where they are right now or this is just where we are right now. It really helps to give me perspective and reminder that this isn't going to go on forever.

Marika Humphreys:

Okay, the next one is it's just data or it's just information? So this is a thought that I offer a lot of my clients when they are going to appointments with their spouse or partner, and a lot of times it's appointments to find out the results of a scan or a treatment or a prognosis, and it's really natural to be fearful and anxious about those appointments in advance, because we tend to put a lot of meaning into what the doctors tell us, and it's just good to remember that doctors don't have crystal balls. So, whatever they tell you, when you remind yourself it's just information or it's just data, I feel like it puts their words in context of a bigger picture and it's a reminder that they don't know for sure what's going to happen. Again, they don't have a crystal ball to tell the future, right. So what they do have is information or they might have data, they have an opinion. So I find that it's really helpful to think about it that way, as information, and it just helps keep it in context. Keep what we learn in those appointments, just in context.

Marika Humphreys:

Okay, the next one I'm choosing capability over overwhelm. This is one I recently heard from a coach I follow. She said I'm choosing capability over overwhelm, and I love that, because how often when we are feeling overwhelmed, do we think about how capable we are? We usually don't. When we're feeling overwhelmed, we're just focused on the overwhelm. But what if we focused on our capability instead? It totally shifts our perspective. So that is a great one. It's new to me and I've tried it on just a little bit, and it's something that I really want to write down and practice, because I feel like it flips overwhelm on its head and it shifts it from overwhelm is all the things we have to do or that's outside of us, but when we think about capability, that's us and that's how powerful and strong and smart and capable we are. So it changes the focus. So it's a great one.

Marika Humphreys:

Here's another one real simple, real clear to the point. It's one day at a time I use this as a mantra, almost when my husband was overseas and he was at a treatment facility but he ended up in the hospital because he developed complications from his cancer and I flew over there. He was in Austria and I flew over there and I had to figure out how to bring him home, and it was a very difficult time. He was in rough shape and just to keep myself going and from getting overwhelmed at that time, I would just say to myself each day, one day at a time, just one day at a time, and it kept me focused in the present, because I could have easily gone to all the what ifs and worrying about the future, but all I could focus on, or all I needed to focus on, was just getting through one day at a time. So that can be a really powerful one If you're going through a crisis period or what I call kind of like a survival period, one day at a time.

Marika Humphreys:

Here is another one that is a little bit newer for me, but I really like it, and it is universe. Or you might want to say God is supporting me, the universe or God is supporting me. So it's one I use from time to time when I'm just struggling and I love thinking that there is a greater force or forces out there that are greater than me and that are benevolent and supportive, and it's one that may not suit all of you, but for me if it all feels like there's some truth to it. So if you can see some truth in that for yourself, then it's a really great one to borrow, because a lot of times we look at our present and we may not see what we like or we see things that we don't want. But when I think the universe is supporting me, it makes me think of all the things that are outside of my field of vision, that are working to support me in my life, and I just may not see what. That is exactly Okay.

Marika Humphreys:

Here's another one that I use with my client right now a lot and it is it's okay if it's messy, or let it be messy. She is a doctor and she is used to performing at a very high level and what she is going through with her husband's cancer is just incredibly challenging and she's having to deal with things that she's never dealt with before. So when we're often figuring things out that we've never had to deal with before, it doesn't always go smooth, and that's okay In the beginning. Things are often messy as we figure them out. So this thought or the sentence let it be messy, or it's okay if it's messy is so helpful because it reminds all of us out there who are either perfectionists or who like to have control over everything or like to do it right the first time. It reminds us that it's okay to be messy, especially in the beginning, and that we don't have to have it just perfect right out of the gate.

Marika Humphreys:

Okay, the last one I want to share with you is another one I use a lot, both with my clients and myself as well there is no right way, and another version of this is there is no perfect way. Both of these are great because a lot of times in caregiving or just doing anything new, we put pressure on ourselves to get it right or we think that there's some right way that we just have to find. But often there is no right way, there is no perfect way, and when we think that way, when we look for this perfect way way, and when we think that way, when we look for this perfect way, or we end up putting a lot of pressure on ourselves or we can treat ourselves really harshly. It's unnecessary. So reminding yourself that there's no right way, just find it's super helpful and it can bring a lot of compassion to yourself that this is something you're figuring out right, and there is no perfect path through this journey. All right, so those are just a few of the thoughts that you may want to try on.

Marika Humphreys:

Remember, you just want to see how they fit. You do want to try them on only if you can see the truth in them. If they feel believable to you and you like it, then try it out. But I want to say that you can borrow beliefs from anywhere, from anyone, right? So look around at the people in your life. How do they think? Is there an area, maybe, that your partner seems to just do really well in? What can you borrow from him or her, right? What is it that they're actually thinking? You might even ask them hey, when you do that, what are you thinking about? And then just try it out. Can you see the truth in it?

Marika Humphreys:

I will say, though, that this does require you to be a little mindful of how you think and also how others think, and I think this is something I now do, naturally, but I didn't in the beginning. This is probably one of the biggest tools that I have learned through coaching is the ability to notice my thinking and be really aware of all the thoughts that run through my head often, especially when I'm doing something challenging or when I'm struggling with negative thoughts and feelings. Now I have a lot of awareness around it, but it's something that I had to develop. So this week, try out some of the thoughts I've shared.

Marika Humphreys:

If you like some of them, or find some other thoughts from people in your lives, and just borrow them. Use them as a go-to thought for difficult times. Right? I encourage you to put it on post-it note and post it in a couple of places in the house so that you remember. A lot of making this work is that you need to have it sort of top of mind, so having some way to remember it, to remind yourself of it, is really useful. And let me know how it goes. I would love to hear what thoughts you've borrowed and what ways that you use them, or when you use them. All right, my friends hope this was helpful for you today. I will see you all next week.