Ever feel like you're spinning your wheels, investing energy into your caregiving role without seeing the impact you desire?
This week, let's unlock the secret to transforming that frustration into empowerment. We zero in on the art of maintaining focus amidst the chaos of caregiving, learning how to distinguish between the elements within our control and those we simply have to accept. Discover the transformative power of honing your attention on what truly matters, fostering a serene confidence that is crucial for every caregiver's journey.
I'll be talking about Byron Katie's profound "The Work," as a compass to guide us through the turbulent emotions that often accompany caregiving. I'll highlight the importance of the question, "Whose business am I in?" and how it can serve as a boundary-setting tool, ensuring we provide care that honors everyone's autonomy.
I'll give you some practical strategies to apply this framework in your daily caregiving tasks, helping you stay present and find peace amidst the complexities we face.
Check out Byron Katie's work: https://thework.com/2006/09/whose-business-are-you-minding/
As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.
Ever feel like you're spinning your wheels, investing energy into your caregiving role without seeing the impact you desire?
This week, let's unlock the secret to transforming that frustration into empowerment. We zero in on the art of maintaining focus amidst the chaos of caregiving, learning how to distinguish between the elements within our control and those we simply have to accept. Discover the transformative power of honing your attention on what truly matters, fostering a serene confidence that is crucial for every caregiver's journey.
I'll be talking about Byron Katie's profound "The Work," as a compass to guide us through the turbulent emotions that often accompany caregiving. I'll highlight the importance of the question, "Whose business am I in?" and how it can serve as a boundary-setting tool, ensuring we provide care that honors everyone's autonomy.
I'll give you some practical strategies to apply this framework in your daily caregiving tasks, helping you stay present and find peace amidst the complexities we face.
Check out Byron Katie's work: https://thework.com/2006/09/whose-business-are-you-minding/
As a Resiliency Coach for people who are caregiving for their partner, I'm here to support YOU, the caregiver. Learn more about my work at www.coachmarika.com.
Announcer:
Welcome to In this Together, a podcast for partners turned caregivers, where you'll discover invaluable insights and actionable advice to navigate the ups and downs of caregiving with resilience and strength. Here's your guide, Marika Humphreys.
Marika Humphreys:
Hey, caregivers, I am happy to be back again with you this week, and today we're going to talk about a key resiliency skill in caregiving, which is learning to stay focused on what you can control. Now, this is super challenging when we're caregiving. I really feel like caregiving for our partner brings up a lot of unique challenges in a difficult time, and, while we may experience these challenges throughout our life or similar challenges, when we're caregiving I think it's more compressed and forces us to really do things differently so that we don't burn out or become exhausted or totally depleted, and that requires us to learn new skills. I really felt like that was true for me, and I have found that it's true for my clients as well. Most of us naturally just don't have the skills to cope with the challenges of it. One of the key skills that I think has been really the powerful for me in my own life, in my time as a caregiver, and for my clients too, is learning how to get very good at identifying the things that we can control and the things that we can't, and then learning how to stay focused on those areas that we actually do control. So let me talk about why that matters so much.
Marika Humphreys:
One of the reasons is, when we are focused on areas outside of our control, we end up feeling frustrated and powerless and defeated because we're trying to control something that we can't and how we feel is important. Now we are going to feel all sorts of emotions as caregivers, but we don't want to stay in the emotions that are not helpful for us. We don't want to stay there long. We want those emotions to be able to go through us, because our emotions are the fuel for our actions. So, as a caregiver, we want to stay in the place of calm and confidence and trust and problem solving and those powerful states. But if we're feeling a lot of fear, anxiety, helplessness, powerlessness, we're feeling frustrated, resentful, burnout. Those are not great places to again reside or spend a lot of time. Those emotions will come up, but we want to get through them. So that is why the skill is so important is being focused on things outside of our control are oftentimes the driver of those emotions that are unhelpful.
Marika Humphreys:
Let's dive into this topic a little bit more. As I've mentioned, I think that caregiving, by its very nature, is very challenging, in that we are literally focused on someone else. That is the nature of caregiving. Our energy, our attention, our thoughts and often our emotions are focused solely on someone else. It's the nature of being a caregiver. It's also very similar as a parent, too. We're focused on our children, and it makes it extra hard to delineate the things that we can't control from the things that we can, because we're already solely focused on something outside of us, right Another person their health, their emotions, their actions, their day to day, their schedule, all the things involved with someone else.
Marika Humphreys:
So I first want to share with you the five areas that I see come up the most frequently for my clients when their focus is on something outside of them. The first biggest area that this becomes a problem is when they're focused on their partner, their partner's words, their partner's actions, their partner's emotions, how their partner is feeling, are they angry, are they sad, are they withdrawn, what their partner may be doing or not doing. Often it is, you know, my partner isn't taking good enough care of themself, or they're not following up on their doctor's appointments or they're not making calls. Sometimes it can be focused on what your partner is saying, right or not saying. Maybe they're not sharing, and all of that is just. It's natural to focus there, but again, it's just something outside of our control.
Marika Humphreys:
Another area where this comes up super commonly is when we're focused on other people, not necessarily your partner, but everybody else in your life, like your family members or in-laws, or the doctor, or friends or coworkers, other people's words, actions and emotions. So often that can be what the doctor says or how the doctor acts. It can be other people in your life, like, maybe, your family members and frustration that they're not helping out more, or your work isn't supportive, or your boss is stressing you out. Right, these are all the other people. This is a common area that we tend to get overly fixated on and it's outside of our control.
Marika Humphreys:
A third area is outside events. So the weather, traffic, politics, anything outside of us can often be a draw for our focus. Sometimes you might know someone who's like this that is constantly talking about politics, for instance. They're just very fixated or focused on politics when, for the most part, we don't control a whole lot what happens in politics, especially national politics, being focused on the news or current events. Again, this isn't good or bad. It's more that when we have our attention focused there, it can lead to frustration and feelings of powerlessness, because these are things that we don't control. They're outside of us.
Marika Humphreys:
The fourth area where I see this commonly come up is being focused on the future. Now, again, totally understandable, this is where our brain will go. Our brain wants to have certainty about the future, but unfortunately there is no certainty ever in our life when we're caregiving for someone, especially if there's disease or illness involved. It creates a situation where we're confronted with that uncertainty on a regular basis. That is hard. It's definitely hard, but I bring this up to again, just highlight that when our focus is overly on the future, on not knowing what's going to happen, not knowing how you're going to react if things get worse, we're ultimately focused on something we can't control.
Marika Humphreys:
And then the last area that comes up a lot for people is being focused on the past, on wishing they had done something different, wishing they had gone to the doctor sooner, wishing their partner had checked something out sooner Maybe this wouldn't have happened or we would have caught it earlier or wishing they hadn't done something that led to their condition. We try to second guess the past that's already happened and think, oh, if we had done it differently, it would be better. But again, the past is also an area that's outside of our control. So those five areas our partner, other people, outside events, the future and the past are very common areas where I tend to see my clients focused and that leads to feelings of frustration and powerlessness, feeling like a victim, feeling helpless, resentful, all of those terrible emotions that are just not fun to feel and not useful states to be in. Right, they don't lead us to our most productive self and a person that feels good.
Marika Humphreys:
Why do we do this Again? Why do we focus on things outside of our control? Intellectually, I know we all get that. We all understand that these are things generally outside of our control. Yet most of us focus there, myself included. Even with all this awareness, I find myself getting wrapped up in thoughts and focused around things that are outside of my control.
Marika Humphreys:
So we do it because, simply, we want to feel better and we think that if these outside things are different or better, then we will be able to feel better. Makes total sense, right? If the doctor gives us better news, I'll be able to relax. If I can just get my partner to go to counseling, then they'll be able to cope better and I won't feel so worried about them. If I can just get my family to help out a little more with my caregiving responsibilities, then I won't be so exhausted. If we can have a smooth trip to the hospital, then I won't feel so stressed out.
Marika Humphreys:
We often look to outside events to make us feel better and, yes, if those things happen, it will be easier to feel better. But the problem is focusing on those things and wanting those things to be different, things outside of us to be different in order to feel better, is not a great strategy because, again, it's things we can't control. This is why we end up feeling frustrated and powerless. Wanting things to be different in order to feel better, we end up getting attached to an outcome that we can't control. That is why it creates a problem. That is why we want to develop the skill of identifying this and learning to switch or shift our focus to things that we can control. Because when we're attached to an outcome that we can't control, if that outcome is a person or a person's behavior, we end up becoming either manipulative or we try to persuade or coax or cajole or intimidate or guilt someone into being different or behaving a different way. We try to find all these ways to make someone be different. If that outside focus is on a thing, then often we end up just feeling like a victim. We end up feeling powerless and helpless and defeated. Then we just want to give up. Those are often the responses when we are overly fixated on something outside of our control and wanting it to be different. What do we do instead? How do we shift our focus to what we can control instead? The best way to do that is you need to stay mindful of where your focus is, especially when you're feeling frustrated or powerless. If you're at all feeling those emotions, those are big indicators that your focus is outside of you.
Marika Humphreys:
Byron Katie is an author. She is also famous for a method she developed of self-inquiry called the work. Check her out. She's amazing and has a lot of great quotes. But also her book is. I think she has a few books. Anyway, check her out.
Marika Humphreys:
She talks about identifying whose business you're in. She says mentally ask yourself, who's business am I in? There are only three kinds of business in the universe mine, yours and God's. She goes on later to explain that by God's business she means essentially reality, the things outside of us. You're either in your own business, you're in somebody else's business or you're in God's business. When you're in somebody else's business or God's business, you're going to have those feelings of frustration and powerlessness. When you're in your own business, that is the only place where you can control the outcome. Those are all the things within your control your emotions, your own actions, how you show up each day in the world and what you focus on. Those are the things that we control. My friends, it's so easy to focus on somebody else's business or the universe's business, but really where our power lies is in our business. Only Just imagine for a second if everybody stayed focused on their own business, meaning their own actions, how they were being, how they were showing up to their lives, their work, their marriage, their partnership, their relationships. If we all turned our focus inward and worked on ourselves, it would change the world. But also, it's not human nature to do that. I mean, we're social creatures and we are focused on other people. So you have to be aware of that tendency and, again, when it leads to frustration or when you're feeling overly defeated or helpless, it's because of where your focus is. So your own business. That is where you have to stay mindful of, where your focus is Okay.
Marika Humphreys:
I want to take a minute here and talk about the difference between control versus influence, versus acceptance. So let me just be clear that when I say control, what I mean is trying to get someone or something to be a certain way, a way that we think is better or right. Letting go of control doesn't mean we don't care, and it doesn't mean we're giving up. It just means that we aren't attaching ourselves to an outcome that we ultimately can't affect. It just means that we aren't attaching ourselves to an outcome that is not within our control. I want to make that distinction clear, because when I talk about shifting your focus away from things you can't control, it doesn't mean giving up on wanting things to change perhaps wanting your partner to change or wanting your family to change. It just means not attaching yourself to whether they change or not, right to the result, not being attached to that result, because you can't control that result. People are going to be who they are, and the universe, the world, is going to go as it goes.
Marika Humphreys:
So there are some other ways, though, of focusing your efforts that are more effective, and two of those ways are through influence and through acceptance. So influence is being able to affect someone or something to inspire change, right. But influence is about us being a certain way and that affects or inspires change. It's not about controlling another person. It's about how we are being that can influence another person.
Marika Humphreys:
And the other option I want to offer here is acceptance, and I like to think about acceptance with either love or curiosity. If you are able to accept something that you may not like, whether it's your partner's prognosis or how your family is behaving or the stress you're undergoing at work, there are two ways that we can use acceptance instead of control, and one is finding acceptance with curiosity. So think about you may feel frustrated by how your partner is seemingly not taking care of themself. Well, you can accept this is where they are and be curious and I wonder why. What's going on, that they aren't following up with the doctor's appointments. Curiosity helps us figure out what's going on behind. When we're just trying to control something, we don't get curious, we just try to change it right. So acceptance with curiosity can be a really powerful state and lead to change, potentially If we get to the underlying reason of why someone or something is a certain way.
Marika Humphreys:
Or another option is acceptance with love, and this is a little different. This is moving to a place of this is where things are and it's OK and like if it's someone else and I can still love them. Right, maybe my sister isn't offering as much help as I'd like and I can still love her despite it. But you really have to be willing to let go of wanting control, wanting something to be different, and still find love OK. So acceptance is an option. That's an option that I know is challenging to get to.
Marika Humphreys:
But just identifying, when you're trying to control something that's outside of you, it only leads to frustration ultimately if you can't actually make that change. So acceptance is often a better solution because it feels better, right, and it helps us stay focused on what we can control, which is our business, right, ourselves. To summarize, when we are focused on things outside of ourselves whether that's another person outside event, whether that's the future or the past we are trying to change it because we want to feel better in some way. But this will lead to a sense of frustration because ultimately it's something outside of our control. So we'll end up feeling frustrated and powerless. The way to shift your focus is to ask yourself who's business am I in.
Marika Humphreys:
Another action step you can take to help you identify if you're focused outside of yourself is if you're feeling frustration or anxiety around something, you can make a list, put the topic and then two columns what I can control and what I can't control around like an event, another person, an upcoming appointment. Make a list. You will find that helps you get a lot of clarity about what is outside of your control so that you can just focus your energy and efforts on the column that is within your control. And then a follow-up question to ask is can I have influence here or can I find acceptance with curiosity or love? Can I trust or believe that this is going to turn out okay or I'm going to be okay or we'll get through this? Those are all great questions to ask to help you shift your focus outside of what you can't control. All right, caregivers, I hope that was helpful. I know that's kind of a lot to think about, but remember asking yourself whose business am I in? It's a great question. All right, I will see you all next week.
Announcer:
Thanks for listening to this episode of In this Together. If you would like to learn more about Marika's work, go to www. coachmarika. com.